Fic - I Wept Not [7/24]
Jan. 27th, 2012 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arcadianmaggieSummary: Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for? AU, slash.
Chapter 6 | Masterpost
"One day, they cleared a space and made a park
There in the city's slums; and suddenly
Came stark glory like lighting in the dark,
While perfume and bright petals thundered slowly.
I learnt no names, but hue, shape and scent mark
My mind, even now, with symbols holy."
- Dennis Craig, "Flowers," l. 9-14
Chapter 7 – Lightning in the Dark
JPOV
I waited upstairs nervously. Alice had invited her friend Bella over for the afternoon and we were all going out to watch a movie. High school would be starting up again in a few weeks and this was yet another test to see if I was ready to be around humans for extended periods of time. Alice assured me that I would be fine; she claimed she would never risk endangering her dearest friend, but I wasn't as confident. I had struggled with my bloodlust for over a century and I had learned not to overestimate my control.
It had been over fifty years since I had joined the Cullens. Almost every aspect of my life had changed since the day Alice found me in that Philadelphia diner. Back then I had been lonely and desperate. Now I was surrounded by family and, if not happy, certainly no longer tormented.
When Alice stretched out her hand for mine, and I reached out to take it, I could not have known she would be leading me out of my dark depression into a new way of life. The beautiful golden color of her eyes was the result of drinking animal blood in the stead of human. I was intrigued and eager to try it. The idea had never crossed my mind, and if it had, I probably would have dismissed it as impossible. But here was this small slip of a girl, not only telling me that she had survived on such a diet for over two decades, but that there were others who lived this lifestyle together peacefully, and we were destined to join them. The hope in my chest began to bloom stronger as she spoke.
Like me, Alice was gifted. And like me, her gift was also her curse. She had no memory of her human life. She had awoken, terrified and alone, with no knowledge of who or what she was. Her blood lust had overwhelmed her, and she had fled from Mississippi, horrified by the wake of destruction she left in her path. She cowered in the forests, lonely and afraid, confused and disoriented as her mind was assaulted by visions she couldn't understand. She was like an animal, feral and wild. Savage and untamed.
Over the years she had studied the humans around her and learned to live a credible approximation of their lives. She had gained control of her gift and began to understand that these visions were glimpses of the future. That was how she had found me: waiting day after day after day in a Philadelphia diner, hopeful and eager for her lonely vigil to be over, until I had finally arrived.
She spoke of the Cullens and how visions of their way of life had given her freedom from her human diet, a freedom I could now share. She told me how we would travel together to find them, and make our home with them. She had seen it. She sounded so happy speaking of our future that even had I thought to walk away from her, I knew I could not, for I would never be able to bear to disappoint her.
She taught me how to hunt the animals in the forest. As the bitter, unpleasant taste of their blood coated my throat, I felt my thirst fade and I wanted to weep with gratitude for my deliverance. We cleaned up near a stream and sat side by side, the bubbling water an echo of the happiness emitting from my slight companion. Without looking at me, she reached out her small hand and slipped her fingers in mine, and I felt her. The touch of her hand, her pain, her deep loneliness, her joy. Her hope. A hope that mirrored my own.
I gave her hand a gentle squeeze of understanding and felt her whole body relax. A feeling of peacefulness radiated from her. It was an emotion I wasn't sure I had ever experienced before and I let it wash over me, reveling in the unfamiliar sensation.
We traveled for almost two years, searching for the Cullens. Her visions were imperfect and incomplete, but she never wavered in her belief that we would find them. I placed my faith in her willingly. I knew I would not leave her even if we never found them; I would never be able to bear the loneliness again, nor would I ever send her back to such a fate.
We learned much about each other during our travels. She was fascinated with my human life and I often found her questions disturbing. Those first 20 years of my existence were not something I had ever given much thought to in my eighty plus years as a vampire, other than my experiences as a soldier. In fact when images of my former life had drifted into my consciousness, I would often push them away to escape the dull ache they caused in my gut. Now here was Alice, probing and curious and relentless. Her need, her longing to know, was so palpable that I did my best to haul my ancient memories out of the locked chest I had placed them in and dust them off for her inspection.
She wanted to know about my family—my mother, my father, my siblings.
I thought about the image I had seen so clearly in my mind on one of my darkest days, starving and desperate, hiding under willow tree: two boys, fishing by the side of a stream, their laughter bright and loud in the afternoon sun.
"I had a brother I think? A younger brother. We used to fish together," I told her.
And then I was assailed with another image. A tall boy with blonde curls on his head, standing proud in his uniform, readying to go off to war. A woman with blonde hair, her grey eyes filled with tears.
"And another brother," I said thoughtfully. "An older brother. He was a soldier."
"What were their names?" she asked.
I thought hard for a moment, reaching deep, trying to remember them. I saw my younger self standing in the doorway of a kitchen, watching as the blonde woman opened the front door. A man stood on the other side. They spoke briefly, then the woman sunk to her knees, wrapping her arms around her waist, rocking and weeping. I watched myself go to her to help her to the couch and we held each other, crying. Then I was running, my face streaked with tears. Running as fast and as far as I could go.
Next I was standing in front of the woman, tall and straight in my own uniform. She was weeping and pleading, but I was committed.
"I don't remember their names," I answered. "My brother was killed in the war. I was angry. I ran away to enlist and lied about my age so I could become a solider and fight. I was sixteen years old. My mother was heartbroken…"
"What was your mother like?" she asked next, her tone wistful.
"She was beautiful," I said thoughtfully. "Warm and kind. Strong. My father and older brother were off fighting in the war and she kept things going at home for me and my younger brother."
As I spoke, more and more images started flooding my mind. A family laughing around a table. My mother standing in the kitchen, her apron covered with flour.
"She baked pies," I added, feeling somewhat foolish after I spoke. It was a somewhat insignificant fact, and it revealed nothing about the kind of woman she was, but I had so few memories to hold on to, this was at least a concrete image I could take out and hold. Less concrete were the feelings I was experiencing, trying to resurrect the life I had so long ago forgotten. My head in her lap, her hand in my hair, the sun on my face, a soft breeze caressing my skin. I had been happy. Loved. Cared for. I ached with longing.
"I don't even know if I had a family," Alice mused forlornly. "I don't remember anything. Anything at all. It's as if I didn't exist before 1921."
Her lovely face was so sad. Her longing, a too familiar feeling. I hated seeing her like this, her natural vibrancy subdued beneath her growing melancholy.
I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm your family now," I told her softly. Her shoulders relaxed and her face took on a peaceful expression. Her calm eased the aching pangs in my chest.
Nothing fascinated Alice more than the clothing humans wore. She studied people, imitating them; she tried on different outfits like costumes, donning various personas and different vocations, examining closely the difference in significance between an inch of a skirt hem. I understood somewhat, remembering the feelings of pride I had experienced when I had first put on my uniform—the scratchy wool of my coat, the buckle on my belt with the letters of the Confederate army embossed in the metal. The way the soldiers regarded me when I was promoted, my rank evidenced by way of my clothing, a symbol of my new responsibilities.
Today she was a young girl, heading to the movies with her beau. Her brightly colored skirt swirled around her legs and her feet were encased in heels. A scarf was knotted around her neck and her lips were adorned with a bright red lipstick. She had dressed me in khaki pants and a short sleeve shirt that buttoned down the middle. I was content to play along.
I had attempted to accompany her in the past. Being in the dark theater, surrounded by dozens and dozens of humans in close proximity, their hearts pumping beneath their skin, their blood coursing through their veins, the smell of them, rich and warm and delicious was too much for me. I had bolted from the theater, attempting to rein in the monster that was always at the ready, just under the surface. I managed to get beyond the crowded streets, but was unable to tame my hunger once my bloodlust had been awoken. I drank from a man I found vomiting in a secluded alleyway, his blood reeking of alcohol.
I spun into despair at my weakness.
Alice was apologetic. She had denied herself human blood for so long that it was almost effortless for her now. She recalled her early days and the struggles she had had and assured me that it would get better in time. She blamed herself for what had happened, but I knew what I was and that there was no one to blame but myself.
Now I would only stay if the theater was practically empty. Otherwise, I would buy the tickets, escort Alice to her seat, and slip out to wait for her outside. She didn't seem to mind. After the movie I'd see Alice acting out small scenes, repeating lines of dialog, practicing the gestures of the actors she had watched. Her ability to imitate them was uncanny and it was almost as if I was watching the movie myself.
Sometimes she'd be lost in thought, thinking about the movie she had just seen.
"Have you ever been in love, Jasper?" she asked me after one such time.
My mind immediately turned to Peter, remembering the feel of his body under mine, the way he'd lose himself in pleasure, writhing and moaning beneath me, his soft smile and smiling eyes, his whispered words of affection.
I missed him.
Then another image flitted through my mind and I grabbed onto it tightly, dredging it up from my memories and examining it with curiosity. I was a soldier, not yet an officer. We were awaiting orders, possibly engaging in combat the following day. Someone slipped into my tent. Another boy like me… young. His light brown hair was thick and straight. His green eyes held fear.
"Are you afraid?" he asked me in a whisper.
I motioned for him to sit next to me. I put my arm around his shoulder.
"A little," I told him. "More nervous than scared."
He didn't answer, just burrowed a little closer to me under my arm. I could feel him trembling. I reached my other arm around him and held him close until his shaking ceased. Then I felt his lips softly on my neck, his tongue darting out to taste my skin, and my own body started to tremble. I pulled away to look at him.
His eyes were dark and serious. He reached out his hand and laid it flat against my chest. I could feel my heart hammering under his fingers. Then our lips were on each other's, our hands in each other's hair and it was glorious. We frantically removed our clothing until we were naked and pressed together, our legs tangled, our bodies rubbing, our mouths everywhere.
Then I was inside him, draped over his back, our skin hot and covered in sweat, my arms wrapped around him, holding him near, our hearts pounding. My lips were on the back of his neck, my breath hot in his ear, and he cried out as he pushed back into me, trying to get closer still.
I looked at Alice, pulling myself out of the memory, away from the hot and sweet arms of the unknown boy, so many years ago.
"No, I've never been in love," I told her. "There was a boy, when I was in the army. Maybe I could have loved him."
"What was his name?" she asked me.
"I don't remember." But I remembered the feel of his hands on my skin, the way my body trembled with his touch, being buried inside his heat and losing myself in pleasure.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
"He was killed in the war," I answered. I would have lost him anyway, once Maria turned me. He would be long dead now, had he survived the war, while the years between us grew and stretched endlessly forward. I would never have been able to keep him.
"Peter loved me," I added. "I loved him too, but not the way he needed. I was not capable of loving him back that way."
I felt a flash of understanding from Alice. I had told her about Peter before. About my life as a soldier in Maria's army, about my time with him and Charlotte. She knew the full extent of my depravity.
"I would like to be in love one day," she said wistfully. "It seems wonderful."
Her voice grew despondent. 'How could anyone love me, though? I don't even know who I am. I'm just bits and pieces of other people put together like a patchwork quilt."
"That's not true," I reassured her. "You're Alice. And I love you." It was the first time I had ever said that to anyone out loud. I did love her, even though we had known each other less than a year. She had saved me, delivered me from darkness, from my loneliness. She would always be dear to me.
"Alice," she scoffed in a bitter tone. "I don't even know my real name! I chose it from a book. But…" she continued, "There was something about it. It seemed to fit. It felt comfortable when I tried it on, like I had worn it before, so maybe…" she trailed off, but her spirits seemed to have lifted.
She turned to look at me. "I love you too, you know."
I did know. I smiled at her, relieved to see that her low mood was passing. It seemed wrong for her to be anything other than her usual cheery self. I wasn't sure why or how she could love someone like me, but I could feel her affection and was grateful for it.
We did eventually find the Cullens. They were living in upstate New York at the time. After months of seeing glimpses of them in her visions, Alice was finally able to narrow the location down to somewhere near the Catskills. We drove through town after town, until she suddenly began to vibrate in the seat next to me.
"We're close," she said excitedly. "I'm recognizing landmarks."
Her enthusiasm was contagious, but I still felt apprehension. Alice had told me there were four vampires, two mated pairs. She was adamant they would accept us, but that was not my main concern. I was still not certain I wanted to become part of their coven. Their way of life, blending amongst the humans, was foreign to me. I had done so periodically for varying reasons over the years, but to do so full time? I didn't know how that could possibly work for a monster like me. For Alice, however, I would keep an open mind. I knew she wanted this with her entire being.
She began to direct me towards the countryside. We wound down a one lane road until we finally reached a large stately colonial, nestled in the trees. The vampires were waiting on the porch to greet us.
I parked the car in the drive and took a moment to steady my nerves. Alice had no such reservations. She bounded out of the car, calling, "Jasper, what are you waiting for? Come meet the Cullens!"
I could feel the surprise from the vampires at her words. I got out of the car slowly, showing I meant no harm. I could feel their guarded attitude. They were wary and cautious and their defensive stance intensified as I approached. I knew the kind of impression I made on others of our kind. My multiple scars were evidence of my countless battles; my eyes were tinged with red. I had not yet mastered the animal diet. I was dangerous and it was evident from looking at me. The two males tensed as I grew closer, shifting to stand slightly in front of their mates. The blonde female looked annoyed at her mate's protection; the big one looked prepared to fight.
Alice seemed unaware of the charged atmosphere between us. She danced up on the porch and stood before the tall blonde male. "You must be Carlisle," she stated, bouncing slightly in front of him. "And you're Esme!" she exclaimed reaching out to hug the female. The woman returned the hug automatically with a confused look on her face.
"I'm Alice, and this is Jasper," she said gesturing to me. "We've come to live with you! I can't tell you how excited we are to finally find you!"
The males were becoming more agitated as I neared the porch. I sent a wave of reassurance out. The blonde male regarded me intently and with curiosity; I don't know how, but he was aware of what I had done.
I stood before them, extending my hand to the blonde male. "I'm Jasper Whitlock," I said, introducing myself. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir."
He shook my hand in a firm grip. "Carlisle Cullen, and this is my wife Esme, my daughter Rosalie and her husband Emmett," he said gesturing to his wife, then the blonde female and the big male. Interesting. "Please come inside and we can talk."
I nodded and walked towards the door which he held open for me, while Alice chattered with Esme, asking, "Which is my room?" Esme smiled, seemingly charmed, and I felt the maternal affection coming from her directed towards my small companion. My unease lessened, and I knew we would be staying.
Life with the Cullens was different from anything I had ever known. Carlisle was their leader and he referred to the other vampires as his family, rather than as a coven. He was a doctor and worked daily in a hospital, surrounded by humans and exposed regularly to blood. I soon realized that although he was a gentle and compassionate man, he was mentally stronger than anyone I had ever known. I eventually learned that he was almost three hundred years old and had even lived with the Volturi. That alone elicited my respect. Maria had feared no one, save the Volturi. When the wars in the south had gotten too widespread and out of hand, it was the Volturi who came from Italy to destroy the newborn armies and punish those vampires who were recklessly risking the exposure of our existence. I marveled at how peaceful Carlisle was, even with this curious history.
The '60s were a hard decade for me. While Alice enthusiastically embraced the role of a flower child, dressing in flowing skirts and tie dye, gallivanting to rock concerts and participating in protest marches, I struggled with the Civil Rights movement and my involvement in the Civil War.
Although I had not fought for three quarters of a century, I still thought of myself primarily as a soldier. After my disillusionment with Maria's cause, I was now faced with the fact that I had clearly been on the wrong side during my human years in the Confederate army. It was confusing, thinking that so much of my existence had been spent wandering in loneliness or in meaningless endeavors.
Carlisle noticed my returning melancholy.
"The idea of eternity is unbearable at times," I told him, when he convinced me to share my thoughts one day. "What is the point of it all? How have you borne it for so long?"
He regarded me with a sympathetic look. "I struggled too, Jasper," he told me. "I was lonely for a very long time. And then I found Esme. I hated myself for wanting to turn her, for condemning her to this existence, for the responsibility I would bear for any she harmed. But in the end I was selfish. I was tired of being alone. I was able to convince myself that since she was dying anyway, I would be saving her.
"Did I save her? Or did I condemn her? It depends on the day to which answer I'd give you," he said with a small smile.
He paused, as if wanting to say more. "I've made peace with my decision, and I can never regret the love she has brought into my life. Freud speaks of Eros and Ananke—love and necessity—as being the very foundations of society. Or as some like to put it: love and work are the keys to our mental health. I'm surrounded by love. I've found a calling that I enjoy dearly. Being a doctor is something that gives me great satisfaction, being able to put my special abilities to work for a greater good. We may not have chosen this existence, but we can choose to rise above our instincts and reach for a better life. It may have taken me over two hundred years, but I've achieved happiness. You eventually will too, my son."
I felt his gentle acceptance of me, his understanding and non-judgmental attitude towards my frequent slips, his empathy for my struggles. He sounded so sure of what he said, so sure about me. I wanted to believe him.
It had been over twenty years since I had last slipped, twenty years since I had been consumed by darkness, frustrated by my weakness and unable to forgive myself for the evil I perpetrated. This was the longest I had ever gone without killing a human. I was determined to prove I had finally conquered the beast within.
I heard the doorbell ring and then the voice of Bella and Alice downstairs. I could smell the sweet fragrance of her blood, so incredibly appealing. I felt the slight burn in my throat in response to the temptation. It was bearable.
As I walked down the stairs, I heard Alice squeal in excitement.
"Jasper! I want you to meet my dearest friend. Bella, this is Jasper Whitlock, my foster brother." She gestured to me.
Bella smiled. "Hi Jasper," she said in a friendly voice.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, miss," I answered. Old habits die hard.
She giggled. "A southern gentleman, I see," she said.
"A southerner, at least," I said with a smile. She smiled back. So far, so good.
"So you're going to be in our class this year at Forks High?" she asked.
"That's the plan," I responded. If today went well, that is.
She nodded. There was a short minute of uncomfortable silence as we both struggled to think of something to say. What did one talk about with a seventeen year old human girl? Alice, fortunately, jumped in.
"We better get going if we don't want to be late."
We were taking Carlisle's Mercedes, since Alice's car was too small for the three of us. She drove and Bella sat in the front with her. I sat in the back. Alice and Bella chatted about school, books, movies, their friends the entire way to Port Angeles. I listened, and occasionally offered a comment, but spent the majority of the ride assessing how well I was handling Bella's potent human scent in the closed confines of the vehicle.
My nervousness returned as we approached the theater. We were seeing a summer blockbuster and it was likely to be crowded. Alice parked and we purchased our tickets then entered the lobby. Bella and Alice stood in line to get popcorn while I waited nearby. We entered through the heavy doors then picked out our seats, settling in. Alice sat on one side of Bella and I on the other.
As more and more patrons started filling the seats, I was reminded of my many attempts to accompany Alice when it had been just the two of us many years ago. This time, however, I was not driven from the theater by the cacophony of heartbeats surrounding me. I was not overwhelmed by the heady smell of the blood coursing through the myriad of veins. I was not tempted to drink. I felt a sense of accomplishment with that realization. Alice leaned around Bella to look at me and I could read the "I told you so" look she threw my way. I just gave a small smile and turned back to the screen, waiting for the movie to begin.
When we got back to the house later that evening, I said goodnight to Bella then went upstairs to my room, giving the girls some time to talk. I could hear Alice asking Bella what she thought of me and Bella asking questions in return.
"Esme's been homeschooling him this past year," Alice told Bella. "He had a… rough time of things before and my parents thought it would better for him to adjust to our family before having to adjust to something like high school."
"I can understand that," Bella replied.
"I would really appreciate it if you and Edward could look out for him once school starts. He won't know anyone but me, really."
"Of course, Alice," Bella responded. "You're like my sister. I think of Jasper as sort of my brother already."
I couldn't see her, but I knew Alice was probably beaming.
I tuned the two of them out and thought about the day. Everything had gone fine, just as Alice had predicted. I had been in control. I had not wavered even being surrounded by the scent of warm delicious humans.
This could only mean one thing: I was going to high school.
The day had finally arrived; I was going to spend my first day as a Senior at Forks High School. I understood why this was important to the Cullens. The younger we could start school in a given location, the longer we could stay. I had watched Alice, Rosalie and Emmett attend schools numerous times as we had moved around over the years. It was problematic to explain my lack of participation or to hide my existence for so long. This would make things easier on everyone in the long run.
The story was that I had joined the Cullens last year as their foster child, even though I had been living secretly with them through the others' last few years of school. I knew from Alice what to expect. She had spoken to me so much about her day to day life in high school that I practically felt like I attended already. She was in her element in this role—a cheerleader who was dating a popular football player. Not only that but she had Bella, her first true girlfriend. They were practically inseparable. I didn't really understand her affection for this human girl, but she brought Alice such happiness that I was grateful to her.
Alice and I pulled into the parking lot at the school. She had dressed me in jeans, a concert T-shirt, a black leather jacket and cowboy boots. I deferred all matters of wardrobe to Alice. It didn't matter to me what I wore, although I appreciated the boots.
As we entered the building, I could feel the curiosity emanating from the other students. In a town this small, I was clearly the main topic of conversation today. It was rare for the school to get a new student, and that I was living with the Cullens, whom most seemed to regard with a combination of respect, envy, and admiration, made me even more intriguing. I tried to ignore them and focused on getting through the day without killing anyone.
Alice helped me find my first class. I had Physics and she was heading to a Prep hour. She walked me to the door of the classroom then squeezed my hand in hers. "You'll be fine, Jasper," she assured me. "I'll see you next period."
I nodded.
"Oh look! There's Bellla!" She waved at the girl in the room.
Bella smiled and waved me over, indicating the seat next to hers.
"You'll be fine," Alice repeated then waved a goodbye to Bella before flitting down the hall towards her own classroom.
I took a deep breath then entered the room, starting my official new life as a high school student.
The first hour wasn't bad. The material was easy enough for a vampire with an impeccable memory. The smell of humans was tolerable. The most uncomfortable part of the hour was dealing with the emotions coming from the other students. Teenagers seemed to be more emotionally volatile than most other humans I had been in contact with. I felt fear, nervousness, jealousy, lust, excitement, insecurity and so much more. It was tempting to blanket the room with calm just to give myself a break from it. This would definitely take some getting used to.
When the period was over, Bella offered to walk with me to our next class. She and Alice were both in Advanced English, as was I. I smiled at Alice when we entered the room and she indicated the seats next to her which she had claimed with books and her jacket.
I sat down to her left and let her know the first hour went well. She turned to Bella and they leaned their heads down and started chatting away in quiet voices. I felt a quick flash of emotion from Bella and turned to look at her, watching as her face lost focus on the conversation and her eyes darted to the door.
I turned to see what she was looking at and saw a boy entering the room. He was tall and lean with broad shoulders. He smiled, greeting a blonde haired boy and took the seat next to him, his long legs sprawling in front of him. I was vaguely aware of the teacher entering the room and speaking to the class, but I barely noticed; I couldn't take my eyes off the boy.
His skin was pale, with the slightest blush on his cheeks, like the petals of a magnolia blossom. His hair was in disarray, as if he had just run his fingers through it. The color reminded me of the velvety underside of the magnolia leaf, a rich reddish brown. I wondered if it was as soft as it looked. I was mesmerized as his long slender fingers reached up and moved through it. I could almost feel the silky strands under my own hands. Then as if he could sense me staring at him, his eyes looked up and locked onto mine. I froze. They were a beautiful deep green, like the waxy broad leaves of the magnolia tree. He was beautiful.
As we stared at each other, unable to look away, I was filled with a rush of emotions. I was transported to a wide porch on a sunny day, a tall tree towering nearby, soft fingers in my hair, a cool breeze caressing my face. He reminded me of a time long, long ago, before war had wearied me and death had robbed me of any contentment. He brought me back to a time when two boys laughed by the river, their hearts filled with the joy of a summer afternoon. He reminded me of something, this beautiful boy, with his magnolia skin and velvet hair, and eyes as green as living things. I stared silently at him, held hostage by his arresting gaze, trying to puzzle it out. And then I realized what it was.
Out of the corner of my eye I felt a shock of surprise from Alice and saw her head whip up and turn toward me, eyes wide.
He reminded me of home.
Chapter 8 | Masterpost | Poetry
Chapter 6 | Masterpost
There in the city's slums; and suddenly
Came stark glory like lighting in the dark,
While perfume and bright petals thundered slowly.
I learnt no names, but hue, shape and scent mark
My mind, even now, with symbols holy."
- Dennis Craig, "Flowers," l. 9-14
Chapter 7 – Lightning in the Dark
JPOV
I waited upstairs nervously. Alice had invited her friend Bella over for the afternoon and we were all going out to watch a movie. High school would be starting up again in a few weeks and this was yet another test to see if I was ready to be around humans for extended periods of time. Alice assured me that I would be fine; she claimed she would never risk endangering her dearest friend, but I wasn't as confident. I had struggled with my bloodlust for over a century and I had learned not to overestimate my control.
It had been over fifty years since I had joined the Cullens. Almost every aspect of my life had changed since the day Alice found me in that Philadelphia diner. Back then I had been lonely and desperate. Now I was surrounded by family and, if not happy, certainly no longer tormented.
When Alice stretched out her hand for mine, and I reached out to take it, I could not have known she would be leading me out of my dark depression into a new way of life. The beautiful golden color of her eyes was the result of drinking animal blood in the stead of human. I was intrigued and eager to try it. The idea had never crossed my mind, and if it had, I probably would have dismissed it as impossible. But here was this small slip of a girl, not only telling me that she had survived on such a diet for over two decades, but that there were others who lived this lifestyle together peacefully, and we were destined to join them. The hope in my chest began to bloom stronger as she spoke.
Like me, Alice was gifted. And like me, her gift was also her curse. She had no memory of her human life. She had awoken, terrified and alone, with no knowledge of who or what she was. Her blood lust had overwhelmed her, and she had fled from Mississippi, horrified by the wake of destruction she left in her path. She cowered in the forests, lonely and afraid, confused and disoriented as her mind was assaulted by visions she couldn't understand. She was like an animal, feral and wild. Savage and untamed.
Over the years she had studied the humans around her and learned to live a credible approximation of their lives. She had gained control of her gift and began to understand that these visions were glimpses of the future. That was how she had found me: waiting day after day after day in a Philadelphia diner, hopeful and eager for her lonely vigil to be over, until I had finally arrived.
She spoke of the Cullens and how visions of their way of life had given her freedom from her human diet, a freedom I could now share. She told me how we would travel together to find them, and make our home with them. She had seen it. She sounded so happy speaking of our future that even had I thought to walk away from her, I knew I could not, for I would never be able to bear to disappoint her.
She taught me how to hunt the animals in the forest. As the bitter, unpleasant taste of their blood coated my throat, I felt my thirst fade and I wanted to weep with gratitude for my deliverance. We cleaned up near a stream and sat side by side, the bubbling water an echo of the happiness emitting from my slight companion. Without looking at me, she reached out her small hand and slipped her fingers in mine, and I felt her. The touch of her hand, her pain, her deep loneliness, her joy. Her hope. A hope that mirrored my own.
I gave her hand a gentle squeeze of understanding and felt her whole body relax. A feeling of peacefulness radiated from her. It was an emotion I wasn't sure I had ever experienced before and I let it wash over me, reveling in the unfamiliar sensation.
We traveled for almost two years, searching for the Cullens. Her visions were imperfect and incomplete, but she never wavered in her belief that we would find them. I placed my faith in her willingly. I knew I would not leave her even if we never found them; I would never be able to bear the loneliness again, nor would I ever send her back to such a fate.
We learned much about each other during our travels. She was fascinated with my human life and I often found her questions disturbing. Those first 20 years of my existence were not something I had ever given much thought to in my eighty plus years as a vampire, other than my experiences as a soldier. In fact when images of my former life had drifted into my consciousness, I would often push them away to escape the dull ache they caused in my gut. Now here was Alice, probing and curious and relentless. Her need, her longing to know, was so palpable that I did my best to haul my ancient memories out of the locked chest I had placed them in and dust them off for her inspection.
She wanted to know about my family—my mother, my father, my siblings.
I thought about the image I had seen so clearly in my mind on one of my darkest days, starving and desperate, hiding under willow tree: two boys, fishing by the side of a stream, their laughter bright and loud in the afternoon sun.
"I had a brother I think? A younger brother. We used to fish together," I told her.
And then I was assailed with another image. A tall boy with blonde curls on his head, standing proud in his uniform, readying to go off to war. A woman with blonde hair, her grey eyes filled with tears.
"And another brother," I said thoughtfully. "An older brother. He was a soldier."
"What were their names?" she asked.
I thought hard for a moment, reaching deep, trying to remember them. I saw my younger self standing in the doorway of a kitchen, watching as the blonde woman opened the front door. A man stood on the other side. They spoke briefly, then the woman sunk to her knees, wrapping her arms around her waist, rocking and weeping. I watched myself go to her to help her to the couch and we held each other, crying. Then I was running, my face streaked with tears. Running as fast and as far as I could go.
Next I was standing in front of the woman, tall and straight in my own uniform. She was weeping and pleading, but I was committed.
"I don't remember their names," I answered. "My brother was killed in the war. I was angry. I ran away to enlist and lied about my age so I could become a solider and fight. I was sixteen years old. My mother was heartbroken…"
"What was your mother like?" she asked next, her tone wistful.
"She was beautiful," I said thoughtfully. "Warm and kind. Strong. My father and older brother were off fighting in the war and she kept things going at home for me and my younger brother."
As I spoke, more and more images started flooding my mind. A family laughing around a table. My mother standing in the kitchen, her apron covered with flour.
"She baked pies," I added, feeling somewhat foolish after I spoke. It was a somewhat insignificant fact, and it revealed nothing about the kind of woman she was, but I had so few memories to hold on to, this was at least a concrete image I could take out and hold. Less concrete were the feelings I was experiencing, trying to resurrect the life I had so long ago forgotten. My head in her lap, her hand in my hair, the sun on my face, a soft breeze caressing my skin. I had been happy. Loved. Cared for. I ached with longing.
"I don't even know if I had a family," Alice mused forlornly. "I don't remember anything. Anything at all. It's as if I didn't exist before 1921."
Her lovely face was so sad. Her longing, a too familiar feeling. I hated seeing her like this, her natural vibrancy subdued beneath her growing melancholy.
I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm your family now," I told her softly. Her shoulders relaxed and her face took on a peaceful expression. Her calm eased the aching pangs in my chest.
Nothing fascinated Alice more than the clothing humans wore. She studied people, imitating them; she tried on different outfits like costumes, donning various personas and different vocations, examining closely the difference in significance between an inch of a skirt hem. I understood somewhat, remembering the feelings of pride I had experienced when I had first put on my uniform—the scratchy wool of my coat, the buckle on my belt with the letters of the Confederate army embossed in the metal. The way the soldiers regarded me when I was promoted, my rank evidenced by way of my clothing, a symbol of my new responsibilities.
Today she was a young girl, heading to the movies with her beau. Her brightly colored skirt swirled around her legs and her feet were encased in heels. A scarf was knotted around her neck and her lips were adorned with a bright red lipstick. She had dressed me in khaki pants and a short sleeve shirt that buttoned down the middle. I was content to play along.
I had attempted to accompany her in the past. Being in the dark theater, surrounded by dozens and dozens of humans in close proximity, their hearts pumping beneath their skin, their blood coursing through their veins, the smell of them, rich and warm and delicious was too much for me. I had bolted from the theater, attempting to rein in the monster that was always at the ready, just under the surface. I managed to get beyond the crowded streets, but was unable to tame my hunger once my bloodlust had been awoken. I drank from a man I found vomiting in a secluded alleyway, his blood reeking of alcohol.
I spun into despair at my weakness.
Alice was apologetic. She had denied herself human blood for so long that it was almost effortless for her now. She recalled her early days and the struggles she had had and assured me that it would get better in time. She blamed herself for what had happened, but I knew what I was and that there was no one to blame but myself.
Now I would only stay if the theater was practically empty. Otherwise, I would buy the tickets, escort Alice to her seat, and slip out to wait for her outside. She didn't seem to mind. After the movie I'd see Alice acting out small scenes, repeating lines of dialog, practicing the gestures of the actors she had watched. Her ability to imitate them was uncanny and it was almost as if I was watching the movie myself.
Sometimes she'd be lost in thought, thinking about the movie she had just seen.
"Have you ever been in love, Jasper?" she asked me after one such time.
My mind immediately turned to Peter, remembering the feel of his body under mine, the way he'd lose himself in pleasure, writhing and moaning beneath me, his soft smile and smiling eyes, his whispered words of affection.
I missed him.
Then another image flitted through my mind and I grabbed onto it tightly, dredging it up from my memories and examining it with curiosity. I was a soldier, not yet an officer. We were awaiting orders, possibly engaging in combat the following day. Someone slipped into my tent. Another boy like me… young. His light brown hair was thick and straight. His green eyes held fear.
"Are you afraid?" he asked me in a whisper.
I motioned for him to sit next to me. I put my arm around his shoulder.
"A little," I told him. "More nervous than scared."
He didn't answer, just burrowed a little closer to me under my arm. I could feel him trembling. I reached my other arm around him and held him close until his shaking ceased. Then I felt his lips softly on my neck, his tongue darting out to taste my skin, and my own body started to tremble. I pulled away to look at him.
His eyes were dark and serious. He reached out his hand and laid it flat against my chest. I could feel my heart hammering under his fingers. Then our lips were on each other's, our hands in each other's hair and it was glorious. We frantically removed our clothing until we were naked and pressed together, our legs tangled, our bodies rubbing, our mouths everywhere.
Then I was inside him, draped over his back, our skin hot and covered in sweat, my arms wrapped around him, holding him near, our hearts pounding. My lips were on the back of his neck, my breath hot in his ear, and he cried out as he pushed back into me, trying to get closer still.
I looked at Alice, pulling myself out of the memory, away from the hot and sweet arms of the unknown boy, so many years ago.
"No, I've never been in love," I told her. "There was a boy, when I was in the army. Maybe I could have loved him."
"What was his name?" she asked me.
"I don't remember." But I remembered the feel of his hands on my skin, the way my body trembled with his touch, being buried inside his heat and losing myself in pleasure.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
"He was killed in the war," I answered. I would have lost him anyway, once Maria turned me. He would be long dead now, had he survived the war, while the years between us grew and stretched endlessly forward. I would never have been able to keep him.
"Peter loved me," I added. "I loved him too, but not the way he needed. I was not capable of loving him back that way."
I felt a flash of understanding from Alice. I had told her about Peter before. About my life as a soldier in Maria's army, about my time with him and Charlotte. She knew the full extent of my depravity.
"I would like to be in love one day," she said wistfully. "It seems wonderful."
Her voice grew despondent. 'How could anyone love me, though? I don't even know who I am. I'm just bits and pieces of other people put together like a patchwork quilt."
"That's not true," I reassured her. "You're Alice. And I love you." It was the first time I had ever said that to anyone out loud. I did love her, even though we had known each other less than a year. She had saved me, delivered me from darkness, from my loneliness. She would always be dear to me.
"Alice," she scoffed in a bitter tone. "I don't even know my real name! I chose it from a book. But…" she continued, "There was something about it. It seemed to fit. It felt comfortable when I tried it on, like I had worn it before, so maybe…" she trailed off, but her spirits seemed to have lifted.
She turned to look at me. "I love you too, you know."
I did know. I smiled at her, relieved to see that her low mood was passing. It seemed wrong for her to be anything other than her usual cheery self. I wasn't sure why or how she could love someone like me, but I could feel her affection and was grateful for it.
We did eventually find the Cullens. They were living in upstate New York at the time. After months of seeing glimpses of them in her visions, Alice was finally able to narrow the location down to somewhere near the Catskills. We drove through town after town, until she suddenly began to vibrate in the seat next to me.
"We're close," she said excitedly. "I'm recognizing landmarks."
Her enthusiasm was contagious, but I still felt apprehension. Alice had told me there were four vampires, two mated pairs. She was adamant they would accept us, but that was not my main concern. I was still not certain I wanted to become part of their coven. Their way of life, blending amongst the humans, was foreign to me. I had done so periodically for varying reasons over the years, but to do so full time? I didn't know how that could possibly work for a monster like me. For Alice, however, I would keep an open mind. I knew she wanted this with her entire being.
She began to direct me towards the countryside. We wound down a one lane road until we finally reached a large stately colonial, nestled in the trees. The vampires were waiting on the porch to greet us.
I parked the car in the drive and took a moment to steady my nerves. Alice had no such reservations. She bounded out of the car, calling, "Jasper, what are you waiting for? Come meet the Cullens!"
I could feel the surprise from the vampires at her words. I got out of the car slowly, showing I meant no harm. I could feel their guarded attitude. They were wary and cautious and their defensive stance intensified as I approached. I knew the kind of impression I made on others of our kind. My multiple scars were evidence of my countless battles; my eyes were tinged with red. I had not yet mastered the animal diet. I was dangerous and it was evident from looking at me. The two males tensed as I grew closer, shifting to stand slightly in front of their mates. The blonde female looked annoyed at her mate's protection; the big one looked prepared to fight.
Alice seemed unaware of the charged atmosphere between us. She danced up on the porch and stood before the tall blonde male. "You must be Carlisle," she stated, bouncing slightly in front of him. "And you're Esme!" she exclaimed reaching out to hug the female. The woman returned the hug automatically with a confused look on her face.
"I'm Alice, and this is Jasper," she said gesturing to me. "We've come to live with you! I can't tell you how excited we are to finally find you!"
The males were becoming more agitated as I neared the porch. I sent a wave of reassurance out. The blonde male regarded me intently and with curiosity; I don't know how, but he was aware of what I had done.
I stood before them, extending my hand to the blonde male. "I'm Jasper Whitlock," I said, introducing myself. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir."
He shook my hand in a firm grip. "Carlisle Cullen, and this is my wife Esme, my daughter Rosalie and her husband Emmett," he said gesturing to his wife, then the blonde female and the big male. Interesting. "Please come inside and we can talk."
I nodded and walked towards the door which he held open for me, while Alice chattered with Esme, asking, "Which is my room?" Esme smiled, seemingly charmed, and I felt the maternal affection coming from her directed towards my small companion. My unease lessened, and I knew we would be staying.
Life with the Cullens was different from anything I had ever known. Carlisle was their leader and he referred to the other vampires as his family, rather than as a coven. He was a doctor and worked daily in a hospital, surrounded by humans and exposed regularly to blood. I soon realized that although he was a gentle and compassionate man, he was mentally stronger than anyone I had ever known. I eventually learned that he was almost three hundred years old and had even lived with the Volturi. That alone elicited my respect. Maria had feared no one, save the Volturi. When the wars in the south had gotten too widespread and out of hand, it was the Volturi who came from Italy to destroy the newborn armies and punish those vampires who were recklessly risking the exposure of our existence. I marveled at how peaceful Carlisle was, even with this curious history.
The '60s were a hard decade for me. While Alice enthusiastically embraced the role of a flower child, dressing in flowing skirts and tie dye, gallivanting to rock concerts and participating in protest marches, I struggled with the Civil Rights movement and my involvement in the Civil War.
Although I had not fought for three quarters of a century, I still thought of myself primarily as a soldier. After my disillusionment with Maria's cause, I was now faced with the fact that I had clearly been on the wrong side during my human years in the Confederate army. It was confusing, thinking that so much of my existence had been spent wandering in loneliness or in meaningless endeavors.
Carlisle noticed my returning melancholy.
"The idea of eternity is unbearable at times," I told him, when he convinced me to share my thoughts one day. "What is the point of it all? How have you borne it for so long?"
He regarded me with a sympathetic look. "I struggled too, Jasper," he told me. "I was lonely for a very long time. And then I found Esme. I hated myself for wanting to turn her, for condemning her to this existence, for the responsibility I would bear for any she harmed. But in the end I was selfish. I was tired of being alone. I was able to convince myself that since she was dying anyway, I would be saving her.
"Did I save her? Or did I condemn her? It depends on the day to which answer I'd give you," he said with a small smile.
He paused, as if wanting to say more. "I've made peace with my decision, and I can never regret the love she has brought into my life. Freud speaks of Eros and Ananke—love and necessity—as being the very foundations of society. Or as some like to put it: love and work are the keys to our mental health. I'm surrounded by love. I've found a calling that I enjoy dearly. Being a doctor is something that gives me great satisfaction, being able to put my special abilities to work for a greater good. We may not have chosen this existence, but we can choose to rise above our instincts and reach for a better life. It may have taken me over two hundred years, but I've achieved happiness. You eventually will too, my son."
I felt his gentle acceptance of me, his understanding and non-judgmental attitude towards my frequent slips, his empathy for my struggles. He sounded so sure of what he said, so sure about me. I wanted to believe him.
It had been over twenty years since I had last slipped, twenty years since I had been consumed by darkness, frustrated by my weakness and unable to forgive myself for the evil I perpetrated. This was the longest I had ever gone without killing a human. I was determined to prove I had finally conquered the beast within.
I heard the doorbell ring and then the voice of Bella and Alice downstairs. I could smell the sweet fragrance of her blood, so incredibly appealing. I felt the slight burn in my throat in response to the temptation. It was bearable.
As I walked down the stairs, I heard Alice squeal in excitement.
"Jasper! I want you to meet my dearest friend. Bella, this is Jasper Whitlock, my foster brother." She gestured to me.
Bella smiled. "Hi Jasper," she said in a friendly voice.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, miss," I answered. Old habits die hard.
She giggled. "A southern gentleman, I see," she said.
"A southerner, at least," I said with a smile. She smiled back. So far, so good.
"So you're going to be in our class this year at Forks High?" she asked.
"That's the plan," I responded. If today went well, that is.
She nodded. There was a short minute of uncomfortable silence as we both struggled to think of something to say. What did one talk about with a seventeen year old human girl? Alice, fortunately, jumped in.
"We better get going if we don't want to be late."
We were taking Carlisle's Mercedes, since Alice's car was too small for the three of us. She drove and Bella sat in the front with her. I sat in the back. Alice and Bella chatted about school, books, movies, their friends the entire way to Port Angeles. I listened, and occasionally offered a comment, but spent the majority of the ride assessing how well I was handling Bella's potent human scent in the closed confines of the vehicle.
My nervousness returned as we approached the theater. We were seeing a summer blockbuster and it was likely to be crowded. Alice parked and we purchased our tickets then entered the lobby. Bella and Alice stood in line to get popcorn while I waited nearby. We entered through the heavy doors then picked out our seats, settling in. Alice sat on one side of Bella and I on the other.
As more and more patrons started filling the seats, I was reminded of my many attempts to accompany Alice when it had been just the two of us many years ago. This time, however, I was not driven from the theater by the cacophony of heartbeats surrounding me. I was not overwhelmed by the heady smell of the blood coursing through the myriad of veins. I was not tempted to drink. I felt a sense of accomplishment with that realization. Alice leaned around Bella to look at me and I could read the "I told you so" look she threw my way. I just gave a small smile and turned back to the screen, waiting for the movie to begin.
When we got back to the house later that evening, I said goodnight to Bella then went upstairs to my room, giving the girls some time to talk. I could hear Alice asking Bella what she thought of me and Bella asking questions in return.
"Esme's been homeschooling him this past year," Alice told Bella. "He had a… rough time of things before and my parents thought it would better for him to adjust to our family before having to adjust to something like high school."
"I can understand that," Bella replied.
"I would really appreciate it if you and Edward could look out for him once school starts. He won't know anyone but me, really."
"Of course, Alice," Bella responded. "You're like my sister. I think of Jasper as sort of my brother already."
I couldn't see her, but I knew Alice was probably beaming.
I tuned the two of them out and thought about the day. Everything had gone fine, just as Alice had predicted. I had been in control. I had not wavered even being surrounded by the scent of warm delicious humans.
This could only mean one thing: I was going to high school.
The day had finally arrived; I was going to spend my first day as a Senior at Forks High School. I understood why this was important to the Cullens. The younger we could start school in a given location, the longer we could stay. I had watched Alice, Rosalie and Emmett attend schools numerous times as we had moved around over the years. It was problematic to explain my lack of participation or to hide my existence for so long. This would make things easier on everyone in the long run.
The story was that I had joined the Cullens last year as their foster child, even though I had been living secretly with them through the others' last few years of school. I knew from Alice what to expect. She had spoken to me so much about her day to day life in high school that I practically felt like I attended already. She was in her element in this role—a cheerleader who was dating a popular football player. Not only that but she had Bella, her first true girlfriend. They were practically inseparable. I didn't really understand her affection for this human girl, but she brought Alice such happiness that I was grateful to her.
Alice and I pulled into the parking lot at the school. She had dressed me in jeans, a concert T-shirt, a black leather jacket and cowboy boots. I deferred all matters of wardrobe to Alice. It didn't matter to me what I wore, although I appreciated the boots.
As we entered the building, I could feel the curiosity emanating from the other students. In a town this small, I was clearly the main topic of conversation today. It was rare for the school to get a new student, and that I was living with the Cullens, whom most seemed to regard with a combination of respect, envy, and admiration, made me even more intriguing. I tried to ignore them and focused on getting through the day without killing anyone.
Alice helped me find my first class. I had Physics and she was heading to a Prep hour. She walked me to the door of the classroom then squeezed my hand in hers. "You'll be fine, Jasper," she assured me. "I'll see you next period."
I nodded.
"Oh look! There's Bellla!" She waved at the girl in the room.
Bella smiled and waved me over, indicating the seat next to hers.
"You'll be fine," Alice repeated then waved a goodbye to Bella before flitting down the hall towards her own classroom.
I took a deep breath then entered the room, starting my official new life as a high school student.
The first hour wasn't bad. The material was easy enough for a vampire with an impeccable memory. The smell of humans was tolerable. The most uncomfortable part of the hour was dealing with the emotions coming from the other students. Teenagers seemed to be more emotionally volatile than most other humans I had been in contact with. I felt fear, nervousness, jealousy, lust, excitement, insecurity and so much more. It was tempting to blanket the room with calm just to give myself a break from it. This would definitely take some getting used to.
When the period was over, Bella offered to walk with me to our next class. She and Alice were both in Advanced English, as was I. I smiled at Alice when we entered the room and she indicated the seats next to her which she had claimed with books and her jacket.
I sat down to her left and let her know the first hour went well. She turned to Bella and they leaned their heads down and started chatting away in quiet voices. I felt a quick flash of emotion from Bella and turned to look at her, watching as her face lost focus on the conversation and her eyes darted to the door.
I turned to see what she was looking at and saw a boy entering the room. He was tall and lean with broad shoulders. He smiled, greeting a blonde haired boy and took the seat next to him, his long legs sprawling in front of him. I was vaguely aware of the teacher entering the room and speaking to the class, but I barely noticed; I couldn't take my eyes off the boy.
His skin was pale, with the slightest blush on his cheeks, like the petals of a magnolia blossom. His hair was in disarray, as if he had just run his fingers through it. The color reminded me of the velvety underside of the magnolia leaf, a rich reddish brown. I wondered if it was as soft as it looked. I was mesmerized as his long slender fingers reached up and moved through it. I could almost feel the silky strands under my own hands. Then as if he could sense me staring at him, his eyes looked up and locked onto mine. I froze. They were a beautiful deep green, like the waxy broad leaves of the magnolia tree. He was beautiful.
As we stared at each other, unable to look away, I was filled with a rush of emotions. I was transported to a wide porch on a sunny day, a tall tree towering nearby, soft fingers in my hair, a cool breeze caressing my face. He reminded me of a time long, long ago, before war had wearied me and death had robbed me of any contentment. He brought me back to a time when two boys laughed by the river, their hearts filled with the joy of a summer afternoon. He reminded me of something, this beautiful boy, with his magnolia skin and velvet hair, and eyes as green as living things. I stared silently at him, held hostage by his arresting gaze, trying to puzzle it out. And then I realized what it was.
Out of the corner of my eye I felt a shock of surprise from Alice and saw her head whip up and turn toward me, eyes wide.
He reminded me of home.
Chapter 8 | Masterpost | Poetry
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