Fic - I Wept Not [9/24]
Jan. 27th, 2012 10:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arcadianmaggieSummary: Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for? AU, slash.
Chapter 8 | Masterpost
"I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."
- Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XI," l. 9-14, trans. by Stephen Tapscott
Chapter 9 – Sniffing the Twilight
JPOV
I now knew his name, the beautiful boy with the magnolia skin.
Edward Masen.
I briefly recalled Alice mentioning him to me, Bella's ex-boyfriend with whom she hoped I'd become friends.
I wanted to meet him, to be near him, to be close enough to smell him, but Alice took my hand and led me from the room when class was over. When he was no longer in my sight, I felt a pang at his absence.
We paused in the hall, outside the room to my next period prep class. "I'll introduce you at lunch," she said. "The two of you are going to become very close friends." She gave me a reassuring smile and my hand a tight squeeze. I sensed excitement and anticipation from her.
I didn't ask who she meant. Alice, in her special way, always seemed to know.
I spent the next two periods turning over images of the boy in my head, his tall and straight form, his beautiful features, the angle of his jaw, the curve of his lips. His elegant fingers, the turn of his wrist. My mind was absorbed with his presence, completely filled with thoughts of him. Bella was in both my classes and sat in the seat next to me. I had to stop myself several times from asking her about Edward. I pushed aside the irrational jealousy I was feeling, knowing they had been close.
I didn't understand why I was obsessing over this boy, why I couldn't stop thinking about him from the moment he came into my sight. All I knew was that I was anxious for the period to be over so Alice could make the promised introduction at lunch. I wanted to hear his voice, to learn his scent. I wanted to be near him again.
Bella walked with me to the cafeteria and we took seats on either side of Alice. The blonde boy who sat with Edward during our English class sat down beside me. He introduced himself as Mike Newton. We chatted briefly about mundane topics until his girlfriend joined him.
I felt Alice's mood change moments later as her excitement ramped up exponentially. I reached out a hand to calm her as she called Edward over the table. As he approached and our eyes met, I could hear his heartbeat quicken. My senses came alive. I drank in his verdant gaze, deep and pure and penetrating. I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent and let his fragrance fill me, consuming him into my very body. The sound of his tongue caressing my name sent a shot of pleasure through me and I felt an answering pulse from him as his danced from between my lips like a parting kiss.
We were once again lost in each other's eyes. Bella broke the spell, motioning for Edward to join her at the end of the table. They moved their chairs slightly away from the rest of the group and I was disappointed at the brevity of our interaction.
I was completely attuned to him, his scent still filling my lungs. I didn't want to exhale, desiring to keep him close to me. I couldn't stop myself from listening to his voice, regardless of the privacy he and Bella had obviously attempted to create for themselves.
Even though I knew they were seeing each other last year—I had heard Bella talk about Edward numerous times in the past, I was still overtaken with another surge of jealousy. I tried to calm myself as I listened to their conversation.
What I heard filled me with relief and even more jealousy. I gathered that although they had been intimate, Edward's homosexuality prevented him from feeling anything for Bella other than friendship. I don't know why it bothered me so much to hear about their physical relationship. I had only just met the boy today. Yet I felt a strange possessiveness towards him that I could not explain. I was unsettled, agitated.
What happened next disturbed me even further. Edward began to tell Bella about a boy in a London nightclub. At the thought of another's mouth on him, I began emitting a low growl from my throat. I felt myself tensing, my body coiling in an instinctive response. My reaction was completely involuntary and I fought to control myself. Alice placed her hand on my arm and pulled me out of the moment.
"Jasper, calm down," she said softly to me. "It's okay."
I looked at her face and saw sympathy and concern.
"Come with me," she said, pulling me to my feet and leading me from the cafeteria.
I reluctantly followed, not wanting to be separated from Edward again, but saw the sense of her actions immediately after we stepped outside.
Once away from the crowd of teenagers with all their emotional volatility, I felt myself relaxing. Undoubtedly, being among so many people in such an enclosed space had exacerbated my reaction to Edward's revelations.
That did not, however, explain the visceral response I had had to the suggestion of another man's touch on his body. It was confusing.
"Are you feeling better now?" she asked.
I nodded. "Thank you, Alice," I said. "I'm not sure what happened in there. I think so many people in that room together set me on edge. I'll be better prepared tomorrow." I didn't mention my unusual reaction to Edward.
It didn't matter. Alice understood more than I was saying.
"It's the same for him, Jasper," she said.
I looked at her in surprise. "What?"
"Edward," she replied. "He feels the same. There's something special between you. I've seen it."
"What have you seen, Alice?" I asked curiously.
She hesitated, as if not sure what to reveal. I had seen Alice respond this way many times in the past, weighing how much information to impart, not wanting to influence the future.
"You and Edward. You grow close. As close as Bella and I. Maybe even closer. You're important to each other." She was leaving something out, but I had known her long enough to know that this was all she would share.
I certainly couldn't deny my preoccupation with him today; I had thought of little else. The prospect of becoming closer to Edward in the future filled me with a myriad of emotions: excitement first and foremost—oh to be close to that beautiful boy. Anxiety at the same. What in the world would I have in common with a human boy, especially one so young and innocent? But most of all I felt fear. Fear, as always, about my ability to control my blood lust. And more importantly, fear at what he might think of me. I didn't want him to know the monster in me.
Alice watched the emotions play across my face. "Jasper, everything will work out fine. I promise." She reached over to give my hand a squeeze. "Now let's go back inside. Everyone will be heading to class soon."
I nodded following her into the building.
Since I was excused from the physical education requirement—Carlisle had provided a medical exemption—I had another prep period to fill my time. I pondered Alice's words, again consumed with thoughts of the boy: "It's the same for him." Could that be true?
Could Edward feel the same inexplicable attraction towards me that I felt for him? I knew my vampiric nature had engineered me to be enticing to my prey; my voice, my face, even my scent drew my victims in. If he did feel a pull, was it simply a matter of my predatory design, or was there something more, something specific to me? How could that be? He didn't even know me. "You're important to each other," she had said.
I resolved that next period I would filter out the teeming emotions of the crowd, get my own reactions under control and try to discern for myself what Edward was feeling.
When Alice and Edward entered the room I was instantly aware. His scent drifted through the air, aromatic tendrils that coiled around and in and through me as I breathed him in, encapsulating me in a delectable embrace. I focused my gaze on Alice, not yet prepared to drown in the vortex of his leafy eyes, determined to maintain at least a modicum of control. I would be lost all too soon.
I returned her smile with one of my own and heard the thump, thump, thump of his heart increase in time. "It's the same for him," she had said. I focused my gift on only Edward and recognized the truth of her words.
He took the seat to my left and reintroduced himself, as if I might have forgotten. I basked in his delicious fragrance, the sound of his voice, the heat from his body, content to be near him. Several times I caught him staring at me; the blood rose to the surface of his magnolia skin, flushing his cheeks. I remained still, holding my breath, not yet understanding all the feelings he brought out in me, but knowing that blood lust was one I could ill afford.
He was so beautiful.
When class was over, I placed my books in my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I allowed myself one last look in Edward's eyes before we were forced to part. "See you tomorrow, Edward," I told him.
Eternity itself had never seemed as long.
-o-
I paced restlessly, like a caged animal. Alice had invited Edward and Bella over after school and they would be here any minute. I had been a bundle of nerves since first seeing Edward, a jumble of emotions. I didn't understand my reaction to this boy. He made me… feel things, things I hadn't felt in over a hundred years. I still hadn't been able to sort my emotions out.
My second day at Forks High School had gone much as the first, with Edward completely filling my thoughts. The hours I was near him, I reveled in his scent, the sound of his voice; the hours we were apart, I longed for his company. I replayed every last interaction in my head, over and over, recollecting his beautiful face, his velvet hair, his tall lean body.
Now he would be here, in my home, without the distraction of teachers and lectures and other students and the millions of tiny things that made up the school day.
Alice bounded down the steps, her excitement apparent. "They're almost here!" she exclaimed.
She noticed my agitation. "Jasper," she said, grasping my hands in hers and stilling my restless movements. "There's no reason to be nervous. I told you that you are meant to be friends. You'll see. Just let it happen."
"Why would a human boy want to become friends with me, Alice?" I asked. "It doesn't make sense."
"It makes as much sense as a human girl wanting to be friends with me," she replied.
I disagreed, but didn't say so out loud. Alice was charming and lovable and a delight to everyone she met. She blended in seamlessly with the humans around us. I, on the other hand, still struggled to control my demon nature, the monster always at the ready to override my tenuous control, poised to surface should a weakness appear. It was the reason why I had not started high school with the rest of my family until this year.
As usual, Alice seemed to know what I was thinking anyway. "You're not a monster, Jasper," she said. I eyed her dubiously. "If you are, then I am too," she asserted strongly.
I started to protest, but she stopped me, saying, "Don't." I felt a pang of sadness from her and I was filled with remorse. I hadn't meant to upset her. She squeezed my hands once more, saying softly, "I only want you to be happy."
Before I could respond, the door bell rang and Alice released me to answer it.
"Edward! Bella!" she greeted them, giving them each a quick hug in turn. I felt a pang of envy watching her embrace Edward, wishing that I felt so free.
"Hi Jasper," Bella said shyly, as she entered.
"Hello Bella," I answered, fighting back the urge to growl. The envy I had felt at Alice's embrace transformed into jealousy as I re-lived Bella's lunch conversation with Edward in my head. I needed to get a hold of myself. This was still Bella, Alice's dearest friend, and someone whom until two days ago I had begun to almost think of as a little sister.
Alice hooked her elbow through Bella's and tugged her towards the stairs. "Come with me, Bella. I want to show you some of the new things I got in Seattle this summer. Let's let the boys get to know each other."
I gave her a slightly panicked look, but she just smiled and pulled Bella after her, leaving Edward and me standing awkwardly in the foyer.
"Hello, Edward," I finally addressed him. "Won't you please come in?"
"Hi Jasper," he said, walking towards me.
"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked.
"Sure," he answered. "Some water would be fine."
I nodded and turned to walk towards the kitchen. He followed me.
I reached into the refrigerator stocked full of the food Esme had delivered weekly and pulled out a bottle of water. I set it on the counter in front of him.
"Thanks, Jasper," he said, reaching for it and twisting off the cap. He brought it to his lips and took a deep drink, draining over half the bottle before setting it back down. I watched mesmerized as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down with each swallow. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to lick the column of his neck.
He brought the bottle down away from his face and saw me staring at him. "I guess I was thirsty," he said with a sheepish smile.
"No worries. There's more where that came from," I replied with a grin, pushing aside my disturbing impulse. I wondered how it was possible that this human boy and I were to become friends when the first time we were left alone together, I fixated on his throat. Alice would surely have warned me were he in any serious danger.
My uncertainty returned as we both stood in the kitchen, unsure of what to say to one another. Since I was the host, I knew I should be the one to try and make him feel comfortable.
"Come on. Let's go into the family room. We can put on some music?"
"Sounds good," he replied, following me into the other room.
When we entered, he spied the chess table that was set up in the corner near the fireplace. He walked over to examine it. "Do you play?" he asked me.
"Yes. Carlisle and I were in the middle of a game. Do you?"
"Yeah. My Dad taught me. I don't get to play a lot because he's been so busy lately and none of my friends are really into it. First person shooters are more their style." He was examining one of the pieces, turning it over in his hands, admiring the detailed carving and inlaid jewels. "This is a beautiful set."
"It is. Carlisle got it in Italy, I believe. Would you like to play a game?" I asked, hesitantly.
His eyes lit up then fell slightly. "I don't want to mess up your game," he said, nodding to the one in progress on the board.
"Carlisle won't mind," I reassured him. "He's about four moves from losing anyway." Plus, I'd easily be able to recreate our game from memory later.
Edward chuckled. The sound went straight to my gut, spreading warmth slowly throughout my body. I was momentarily stunned by the sensation. "Uh oh. What am I getting myself into?" he jokingly asked.
I was asking myself that very question.
I gave him a small smile and gathered my wits as I joined him at the chess board, rearranging the pieces into their starting positions. I picked up a black pawn and a white pawn and held them behind my back, enclosing them in my fists, one in each hand. I brought my arms back around to my front and held them out towards Edward automatically.
He reached out to touch my right hand and when his fingers met my skin, it was as if I'd been struck by lightning. A jolt of electricity shot through my arm and his warmth burned into my cold flesh like the heat of a thousand suns. I heard him gasp and I jerked my hand away from his in response. I couldn't meet his eyes, not wanting to see the disgust I was sure to find there; I had the skin of a killer.
I was too focused on my own unsettled reaction to pay attention to his, but once I calmed myself, I was able to feel residual traces of emotion coming from Edward: curiosity… wonder… rejection? No, never that. I quickly raised my gaze to his, seeking to reassure him.
His eyes were dark with something I couldn't name. As before when our eyes met, we were caught in each other's gaze; nothing existed but the beat of his heart, the heat from his skin, that irresistible pull, like the gravity of Jupiter.
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Edward broke the moment first, a slight blush forming delicately across his beautiful cheekbones. "Are you ready to play?"
"Yes, of course," I answered, slightly flustered.
I reached out my hand and opened my palm, revealing the white pawn.
"It looks like the first move is yours," I told him.
-o-
Edward and I had played three games of chess. I won them all easily, but the number of moves it took increased each time. I considered letting the game play appear more evenly matched, but rejected the idea almost immediately. So much of our lives were crafted from deceit and misperception. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted him to know me. Since there were so many secrets we had to keep, I took the opportunity to reveal myself in whatever little ways I could.
Our games gave me plenty of time to observe him; I was fascinated watching him while we played—the way his brow would furrow when he was lost in thought, his nervous habit of running his fingers through his hair, the way he'd smile when he'd discern the pattern of my movements. I catalogued each and every action, each time our knees accidentally bumped under the table—the shock that surged through my body—each blush on his cheek. His scent permeated the air and I drank it in greedily, his essence filling my lungs and becoming part of me. Somehow, it grounded me.
After the first game we were both more relaxed; bits and pieces of conversation began to take shape. He talked about his parents and I sensed the warmth and love he held for them. I felt a pang of longing, remembering days from another life, sitting under a covered porch on lazy summer afternoons. He asked me about mine and I faltered, finally settling on a simple, "I don't remember much about them." Instead I told him of Esme's kindness, her nurturing spirit. I told him about Carlisle, the most compassionate being I had ever met. How he always had words of wisdom for me whenever I was troubled.
We talked about Alice and I smiled as he told me stories from school, his affection for her obvious. He regaled me with tales of the antics he and his friends had partaken in over the years, growing up in the small town of Forks where entertainment was whatever they were able to create for themselves. He was so young and vibrant and carefree, quick with a laugh and a ready smile.
I found myself staring at him time and time again, the chess game already fixed in my mind and requiring little of my attention. I was more interested in watching the creases that formed at the corner of his eyes when he smiled, the way one side of his mouth rose higher than the other when he grinned. I was quiet, lost in thought, turning over these little details in my head, imprinting them onto my memory.
When I was quiet for too long, caught up in my observations, he looked at me with a little laugh and asked, "What?"
"Nothing," I responded. "I like listening to you talk." I did. When he spoke, I forgot I was a monster. I forgot my loneliness, my aching emptiness. Instead I remembered a life long ago, a place of laughter and love and family. And home. My countless conversations with Alice over the decades regarding my human life in Texas had never made it come alive like this one afternoon spent talking with this beautiful boy.
"I like listening to you talk too," he responded, almost shyly, that gorgeous flush appearing on his cheeks again. "I like your accent," he added. "Where are you from originally?"
"Texas. Outside of Houston."
"Do you miss it?" he asked.
"Sometimes," I answered softly. Truthfully, I hadn't missed it. Texas reminded me of Maria and a roadside west of Galveston where life as I knew it had ceased to exist. Texas reminded me of the Southern Wars, a time of battle and carnage and killing and decades of fighting. I had fled from that existence without looking back. But now… sitting across from this marvelous creature, I wished that I could be that youth I so faintly remembered, the one with the easy smile on his dimpled face, who fished by the river with his brother, his heart light and free and full of happiness.
"I only want you to be happy," Alice had said and I wondered if that were even possible, or if hope for such a thing had died that day over a century ago when my heart had grown silent and stilled to stone.
We were so different, he and I. Like the chess pieces before us, he was light and innocent, his visage bright like the rays from the sun. I was dark and soulless, a monster cloaked in human camouflage, the better to lure my unsuspecting prey to their doom. And even if it were possible that that boy from Texas still somehow existed somewhere deep inside of me, at his age I had been commanding men in the Confederate Army for over two years, a veteran of war. Of death. Before that I had had responsibilities at home far greater than I'm sure this boy had ever seen. It was a different time. Thinking about these realities made the gulf between us seem almost insurmountable.
But yet… here I sat, mesmerized by his tiniest movement, caught in a spell of longing that he wove effortlessly and without even knowing, this bewitching, magical boy.
Alice and Bella had come downstairs and interrupted our play; Bella needed to get home to start dinner for her father. Edward and I finished our game and he toppled his king with a rueful smirk.
"That's something you don't see every day," Bella remarked.
"What's that?" I asked her.
"Edward Masen being outsmarted."
"Somehow, I still feel like I won," Edward responded, looking at me with a small smile. His words sunk into my belly and spread warmth slowly through my gut.
"I see your ego hasn't suffered from your loss," Bella quipped back. I was envious of their easy camaraderie. He just laughed and the room was full of summer.
Edward gave Alice a quick hug goodbye and turned to step toward me. As he reached in my direction, I instinctively took a step back, convinced I would be unable to handle an embrace. I was still unsure of how to manage human contact in general, and even less sure of my control around this particular human when a simple touch of his hand and the brush of his knee had jolted me so thoroughly.
I felt his sharp stab of disappointment and uncertainty as he stepped back from me. He cleared his throat in discomfort.
"Thank you for the chess games, Jasper," he said politely, quickly masking the hurt in his expression. "I had fun."
"Maybe you'd like a rematch sometime," I suggested, trying to let him know with my words and with my eyes that I was not rejecting him, that I had enjoyed his company. That I wanted more of it.
He visibly relaxed and I sensed the relief he allowed himself to feel. "I'd like that," he said with a smile. I returned it and we stood staring at each other until Bella tugged his arm, asking, "Are you ready to go, Edward?"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Jasper. Alice."
"Tomorrow," I repeated. I made it sound like a promise.
Once they had gone, Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me into the other room, demanding that I tell her all the details about my time with Edward.
"We played a few games of chess. We talked. It was pleasant." I wasn't ready to discuss Edward with Alice. These feelings he evoked were all so confusing and intense. I wanted time to think them through. I could tell she wasn't satisfied with my response, but she didn't push further.
Edward had a meeting with his cross country coach the following day after school, but he came over again on Thursday to lose a few more games of chess to me. I was finding it easier to talk to him the more time we spent together. What Alice had predicted appeared to be coming true: "You're important to each other." I didn't know why or how, but I did know when he wasn't near, I craved his company.
I grew agitated as Friday was coming to close. I soon realized I was reacting to the prospect of not seeing him again until Monday. I heard the students discussing their weekend plans and I found myself wishing I was just another boy whose biggest concerns were getting into a good college or sneaking in late after curfew. The familiar drift towards melancholy began to occur.
For once I understood Alice's fascination with her friend Bella, her obsession with the clothing and customs of the humans around her, her yearning to discover that part of her self she lost so long ago. I found myself wanting things that were… simply impossible.
By Friday night I was practically moping, unable to find interest in anything. Maybe I actually was turning into a teenager in spite of myself. Alice suggested I get out of the house and go hunting. Because of my increased exposure to humans, I was doing my best to keep my thirst firmly at bay. A few days had passed since I had last hunted; it was a good idea. She recommended an area far to the north and told me that should work out well for me.
I ran for hours, enjoying the familiar pounding of my feet in the earth, losing myself in the rhythmic cadence of my steps. I caught a deer easily and drank quickly, taking the edge off my thirst. The taste was bitter and unsatisfying, but it served its purpose. I ventured farther into the forest, hoping to catch the scent of a predator—a bear or a mountain lion would be nice. The wind shifted and I was in luck; a mountain lion was just ahead.
I moved stealthy and silently through the trees, stalking my prey. The wind shifted again and it caught my scent just as I reached it. The lion turned towards me its ears laid back against its head, its teeth bared in a savage snarl. The muscles of its haunches bunched as it prepared to spring at me. I launched myself at the great cat before it could act, wrapping my arms around its body, sinking my hands into its lush, tawny fur. My teeth sliced through its throat and I greedily drank down its savory blood. The lion struggled in my embrace, its sharp claws uselessly clawing the air, its body bucking and thrashing against my hips and torso. My senses came alive as its movements slowly ceased and its life was gradually subsumed into my body.
I drew my head back, licking my lips in satisfaction, gently caressing the luxurious pelt that had housed my sustenance, enjoying the feel of it, soft and wild against my skin.
After disposing of the body, I began the journey back to Forks. The sun was making its appearance over the horizon and the world was bathed in a soft golden light. My body sang with a sanguine pleasure; my skin thrilled to the rush of the wind as I raced towards home. The essence of the mountain lion coursed through my veins and I felt vibrant and powerful and almost alive, my senses heightened and fully aroused.
As I exited the trees I spied a solitary figure jogging down the road. Even from this distance I already knew who it was. I waited at the edge of the forest with heady anticipation, enjoying the play of his muscles, his elegant form. I could tell the moment he recognized me by his quickened breathing and the tell-tale beating of his traitorous heart. I felt his excitement, equal to my own.
When he finally reached me, he stopped just feet away, panting heavily, his chest heaving from exertion. His skin was covered with a slight sheen of sweat and he reached up his arm to wipe the beads from his forehead, using the band on his wrist to absorb the moisture. I could feel the heat pouring off him, the flush of his cheeks deepening as he stood.
My mind was seized with images—his body bucking and thrashing against my own, my arms wrapped around his torso, my mouth at his neck, my hands on his skin. I saw us together in countless ways, our bodies joining and moving and touching and straining, his head thrown back in pleasure, his voice calling out my name, my body pulsing deep inside him, my face buried between his legs.
No longer could I pretend confusion about the emotions this boy brought out in me. I knew I had refused to face them head on; they were wildly inappropriate. He was an innocent, and although of legal age, he was just a boy. I was a monster, a demon, a soulless fiend, over a century older than he. If I touched him in the ways that were now filling my mind, in ways that were causing my body to thrum and awaken from the images alone, I would surely kill him.
But standing there by the side of the road, staring at my beautiful boy, I couldn't find it in me to push my hunger aside any longer. Now that my tumultuous emotions had fully surfaced, I could no longer pretend that the pull I felt was anything other than what it truly was.
It didn't matter that I was over a century older than he. It didn't matter that I was a monster, that I could kill him easily with one careless move. It didn't matter that our situation seemed worse than impossible.
I only knew that I wanted Edward Masen.
And from the waves of desire I felt pulsing from his direction, I knew that Edward wanted me too.
Chapter 10 | Masterpost | Poetry
Chapter 8 | Masterpost
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."
- Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XI," l. 9-14, trans. by Stephen Tapscott
Chapter 9 – Sniffing the Twilight
JPOV
I now knew his name, the beautiful boy with the magnolia skin.
Edward Masen.
I briefly recalled Alice mentioning him to me, Bella's ex-boyfriend with whom she hoped I'd become friends.
I wanted to meet him, to be near him, to be close enough to smell him, but Alice took my hand and led me from the room when class was over. When he was no longer in my sight, I felt a pang at his absence.
We paused in the hall, outside the room to my next period prep class. "I'll introduce you at lunch," she said. "The two of you are going to become very close friends." She gave me a reassuring smile and my hand a tight squeeze. I sensed excitement and anticipation from her.
I didn't ask who she meant. Alice, in her special way, always seemed to know.
I spent the next two periods turning over images of the boy in my head, his tall and straight form, his beautiful features, the angle of his jaw, the curve of his lips. His elegant fingers, the turn of his wrist. My mind was absorbed with his presence, completely filled with thoughts of him. Bella was in both my classes and sat in the seat next to me. I had to stop myself several times from asking her about Edward. I pushed aside the irrational jealousy I was feeling, knowing they had been close.
I didn't understand why I was obsessing over this boy, why I couldn't stop thinking about him from the moment he came into my sight. All I knew was that I was anxious for the period to be over so Alice could make the promised introduction at lunch. I wanted to hear his voice, to learn his scent. I wanted to be near him again.
Bella walked with me to the cafeteria and we took seats on either side of Alice. The blonde boy who sat with Edward during our English class sat down beside me. He introduced himself as Mike Newton. We chatted briefly about mundane topics until his girlfriend joined him.
I felt Alice's mood change moments later as her excitement ramped up exponentially. I reached out a hand to calm her as she called Edward over the table. As he approached and our eyes met, I could hear his heartbeat quicken. My senses came alive. I drank in his verdant gaze, deep and pure and penetrating. I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent and let his fragrance fill me, consuming him into my very body. The sound of his tongue caressing my name sent a shot of pleasure through me and I felt an answering pulse from him as his danced from between my lips like a parting kiss.
We were once again lost in each other's eyes. Bella broke the spell, motioning for Edward to join her at the end of the table. They moved their chairs slightly away from the rest of the group and I was disappointed at the brevity of our interaction.
I was completely attuned to him, his scent still filling my lungs. I didn't want to exhale, desiring to keep him close to me. I couldn't stop myself from listening to his voice, regardless of the privacy he and Bella had obviously attempted to create for themselves.
Even though I knew they were seeing each other last year—I had heard Bella talk about Edward numerous times in the past, I was still overtaken with another surge of jealousy. I tried to calm myself as I listened to their conversation.
What I heard filled me with relief and even more jealousy. I gathered that although they had been intimate, Edward's homosexuality prevented him from feeling anything for Bella other than friendship. I don't know why it bothered me so much to hear about their physical relationship. I had only just met the boy today. Yet I felt a strange possessiveness towards him that I could not explain. I was unsettled, agitated.
What happened next disturbed me even further. Edward began to tell Bella about a boy in a London nightclub. At the thought of another's mouth on him, I began emitting a low growl from my throat. I felt myself tensing, my body coiling in an instinctive response. My reaction was completely involuntary and I fought to control myself. Alice placed her hand on my arm and pulled me out of the moment.
"Jasper, calm down," she said softly to me. "It's okay."
I looked at her face and saw sympathy and concern.
"Come with me," she said, pulling me to my feet and leading me from the cafeteria.
I reluctantly followed, not wanting to be separated from Edward again, but saw the sense of her actions immediately after we stepped outside.
Once away from the crowd of teenagers with all their emotional volatility, I felt myself relaxing. Undoubtedly, being among so many people in such an enclosed space had exacerbated my reaction to Edward's revelations.
That did not, however, explain the visceral response I had had to the suggestion of another man's touch on his body. It was confusing.
"Are you feeling better now?" she asked.
I nodded. "Thank you, Alice," I said. "I'm not sure what happened in there. I think so many people in that room together set me on edge. I'll be better prepared tomorrow." I didn't mention my unusual reaction to Edward.
It didn't matter. Alice understood more than I was saying.
"It's the same for him, Jasper," she said.
I looked at her in surprise. "What?"
"Edward," she replied. "He feels the same. There's something special between you. I've seen it."
"What have you seen, Alice?" I asked curiously.
She hesitated, as if not sure what to reveal. I had seen Alice respond this way many times in the past, weighing how much information to impart, not wanting to influence the future.
"You and Edward. You grow close. As close as Bella and I. Maybe even closer. You're important to each other." She was leaving something out, but I had known her long enough to know that this was all she would share.
I certainly couldn't deny my preoccupation with him today; I had thought of little else. The prospect of becoming closer to Edward in the future filled me with a myriad of emotions: excitement first and foremost—oh to be close to that beautiful boy. Anxiety at the same. What in the world would I have in common with a human boy, especially one so young and innocent? But most of all I felt fear. Fear, as always, about my ability to control my blood lust. And more importantly, fear at what he might think of me. I didn't want him to know the monster in me.
Alice watched the emotions play across my face. "Jasper, everything will work out fine. I promise." She reached over to give my hand a squeeze. "Now let's go back inside. Everyone will be heading to class soon."
I nodded following her into the building.
Since I was excused from the physical education requirement—Carlisle had provided a medical exemption—I had another prep period to fill my time. I pondered Alice's words, again consumed with thoughts of the boy: "It's the same for him." Could that be true?
Could Edward feel the same inexplicable attraction towards me that I felt for him? I knew my vampiric nature had engineered me to be enticing to my prey; my voice, my face, even my scent drew my victims in. If he did feel a pull, was it simply a matter of my predatory design, or was there something more, something specific to me? How could that be? He didn't even know me. "You're important to each other," she had said.
I resolved that next period I would filter out the teeming emotions of the crowd, get my own reactions under control and try to discern for myself what Edward was feeling.
When Alice and Edward entered the room I was instantly aware. His scent drifted through the air, aromatic tendrils that coiled around and in and through me as I breathed him in, encapsulating me in a delectable embrace. I focused my gaze on Alice, not yet prepared to drown in the vortex of his leafy eyes, determined to maintain at least a modicum of control. I would be lost all too soon.
I returned her smile with one of my own and heard the thump, thump, thump of his heart increase in time. "It's the same for him," she had said. I focused my gift on only Edward and recognized the truth of her words.
He took the seat to my left and reintroduced himself, as if I might have forgotten. I basked in his delicious fragrance, the sound of his voice, the heat from his body, content to be near him. Several times I caught him staring at me; the blood rose to the surface of his magnolia skin, flushing his cheeks. I remained still, holding my breath, not yet understanding all the feelings he brought out in me, but knowing that blood lust was one I could ill afford.
He was so beautiful.
When class was over, I placed my books in my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I allowed myself one last look in Edward's eyes before we were forced to part. "See you tomorrow, Edward," I told him.
Eternity itself had never seemed as long.
I paced restlessly, like a caged animal. Alice had invited Edward and Bella over after school and they would be here any minute. I had been a bundle of nerves since first seeing Edward, a jumble of emotions. I didn't understand my reaction to this boy. He made me… feel things, things I hadn't felt in over a hundred years. I still hadn't been able to sort my emotions out.
My second day at Forks High School had gone much as the first, with Edward completely filling my thoughts. The hours I was near him, I reveled in his scent, the sound of his voice; the hours we were apart, I longed for his company. I replayed every last interaction in my head, over and over, recollecting his beautiful face, his velvet hair, his tall lean body.
Now he would be here, in my home, without the distraction of teachers and lectures and other students and the millions of tiny things that made up the school day.
Alice bounded down the steps, her excitement apparent. "They're almost here!" she exclaimed.
She noticed my agitation. "Jasper," she said, grasping my hands in hers and stilling my restless movements. "There's no reason to be nervous. I told you that you are meant to be friends. You'll see. Just let it happen."
"Why would a human boy want to become friends with me, Alice?" I asked. "It doesn't make sense."
"It makes as much sense as a human girl wanting to be friends with me," she replied.
I disagreed, but didn't say so out loud. Alice was charming and lovable and a delight to everyone she met. She blended in seamlessly with the humans around us. I, on the other hand, still struggled to control my demon nature, the monster always at the ready to override my tenuous control, poised to surface should a weakness appear. It was the reason why I had not started high school with the rest of my family until this year.
As usual, Alice seemed to know what I was thinking anyway. "You're not a monster, Jasper," she said. I eyed her dubiously. "If you are, then I am too," she asserted strongly.
I started to protest, but she stopped me, saying, "Don't." I felt a pang of sadness from her and I was filled with remorse. I hadn't meant to upset her. She squeezed my hands once more, saying softly, "I only want you to be happy."
Before I could respond, the door bell rang and Alice released me to answer it.
"Edward! Bella!" she greeted them, giving them each a quick hug in turn. I felt a pang of envy watching her embrace Edward, wishing that I felt so free.
"Hi Jasper," Bella said shyly, as she entered.
"Hello Bella," I answered, fighting back the urge to growl. The envy I had felt at Alice's embrace transformed into jealousy as I re-lived Bella's lunch conversation with Edward in my head. I needed to get a hold of myself. This was still Bella, Alice's dearest friend, and someone whom until two days ago I had begun to almost think of as a little sister.
Alice hooked her elbow through Bella's and tugged her towards the stairs. "Come with me, Bella. I want to show you some of the new things I got in Seattle this summer. Let's let the boys get to know each other."
I gave her a slightly panicked look, but she just smiled and pulled Bella after her, leaving Edward and me standing awkwardly in the foyer.
"Hello, Edward," I finally addressed him. "Won't you please come in?"
"Hi Jasper," he said, walking towards me.
"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked.
"Sure," he answered. "Some water would be fine."
I nodded and turned to walk towards the kitchen. He followed me.
I reached into the refrigerator stocked full of the food Esme had delivered weekly and pulled out a bottle of water. I set it on the counter in front of him.
"Thanks, Jasper," he said, reaching for it and twisting off the cap. He brought it to his lips and took a deep drink, draining over half the bottle before setting it back down. I watched mesmerized as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down with each swallow. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to lick the column of his neck.
He brought the bottle down away from his face and saw me staring at him. "I guess I was thirsty," he said with a sheepish smile.
"No worries. There's more where that came from," I replied with a grin, pushing aside my disturbing impulse. I wondered how it was possible that this human boy and I were to become friends when the first time we were left alone together, I fixated on his throat. Alice would surely have warned me were he in any serious danger.
My uncertainty returned as we both stood in the kitchen, unsure of what to say to one another. Since I was the host, I knew I should be the one to try and make him feel comfortable.
"Come on. Let's go into the family room. We can put on some music?"
"Sounds good," he replied, following me into the other room.
When we entered, he spied the chess table that was set up in the corner near the fireplace. He walked over to examine it. "Do you play?" he asked me.
"Yes. Carlisle and I were in the middle of a game. Do you?"
"Yeah. My Dad taught me. I don't get to play a lot because he's been so busy lately and none of my friends are really into it. First person shooters are more their style." He was examining one of the pieces, turning it over in his hands, admiring the detailed carving and inlaid jewels. "This is a beautiful set."
"It is. Carlisle got it in Italy, I believe. Would you like to play a game?" I asked, hesitantly.
His eyes lit up then fell slightly. "I don't want to mess up your game," he said, nodding to the one in progress on the board.
"Carlisle won't mind," I reassured him. "He's about four moves from losing anyway." Plus, I'd easily be able to recreate our game from memory later.
Edward chuckled. The sound went straight to my gut, spreading warmth slowly throughout my body. I was momentarily stunned by the sensation. "Uh oh. What am I getting myself into?" he jokingly asked.
I was asking myself that very question.
I gave him a small smile and gathered my wits as I joined him at the chess board, rearranging the pieces into their starting positions. I picked up a black pawn and a white pawn and held them behind my back, enclosing them in my fists, one in each hand. I brought my arms back around to my front and held them out towards Edward automatically.
He reached out to touch my right hand and when his fingers met my skin, it was as if I'd been struck by lightning. A jolt of electricity shot through my arm and his warmth burned into my cold flesh like the heat of a thousand suns. I heard him gasp and I jerked my hand away from his in response. I couldn't meet his eyes, not wanting to see the disgust I was sure to find there; I had the skin of a killer.
I was too focused on my own unsettled reaction to pay attention to his, but once I calmed myself, I was able to feel residual traces of emotion coming from Edward: curiosity… wonder… rejection? No, never that. I quickly raised my gaze to his, seeking to reassure him.
His eyes were dark with something I couldn't name. As before when our eyes met, we were caught in each other's gaze; nothing existed but the beat of his heart, the heat from his skin, that irresistible pull, like the gravity of Jupiter.
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Edward broke the moment first, a slight blush forming delicately across his beautiful cheekbones. "Are you ready to play?"
"Yes, of course," I answered, slightly flustered.
I reached out my hand and opened my palm, revealing the white pawn.
"It looks like the first move is yours," I told him.
Edward and I had played three games of chess. I won them all easily, but the number of moves it took increased each time. I considered letting the game play appear more evenly matched, but rejected the idea almost immediately. So much of our lives were crafted from deceit and misperception. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted him to know me. Since there were so many secrets we had to keep, I took the opportunity to reveal myself in whatever little ways I could.
Our games gave me plenty of time to observe him; I was fascinated watching him while we played—the way his brow would furrow when he was lost in thought, his nervous habit of running his fingers through his hair, the way he'd smile when he'd discern the pattern of my movements. I catalogued each and every action, each time our knees accidentally bumped under the table—the shock that surged through my body—each blush on his cheek. His scent permeated the air and I drank it in greedily, his essence filling my lungs and becoming part of me. Somehow, it grounded me.
After the first game we were both more relaxed; bits and pieces of conversation began to take shape. He talked about his parents and I sensed the warmth and love he held for them. I felt a pang of longing, remembering days from another life, sitting under a covered porch on lazy summer afternoons. He asked me about mine and I faltered, finally settling on a simple, "I don't remember much about them." Instead I told him of Esme's kindness, her nurturing spirit. I told him about Carlisle, the most compassionate being I had ever met. How he always had words of wisdom for me whenever I was troubled.
We talked about Alice and I smiled as he told me stories from school, his affection for her obvious. He regaled me with tales of the antics he and his friends had partaken in over the years, growing up in the small town of Forks where entertainment was whatever they were able to create for themselves. He was so young and vibrant and carefree, quick with a laugh and a ready smile.
I found myself staring at him time and time again, the chess game already fixed in my mind and requiring little of my attention. I was more interested in watching the creases that formed at the corner of his eyes when he smiled, the way one side of his mouth rose higher than the other when he grinned. I was quiet, lost in thought, turning over these little details in my head, imprinting them onto my memory.
When I was quiet for too long, caught up in my observations, he looked at me with a little laugh and asked, "What?"
"Nothing," I responded. "I like listening to you talk." I did. When he spoke, I forgot I was a monster. I forgot my loneliness, my aching emptiness. Instead I remembered a life long ago, a place of laughter and love and family. And home. My countless conversations with Alice over the decades regarding my human life in Texas had never made it come alive like this one afternoon spent talking with this beautiful boy.
"I like listening to you talk too," he responded, almost shyly, that gorgeous flush appearing on his cheeks again. "I like your accent," he added. "Where are you from originally?"
"Texas. Outside of Houston."
"Do you miss it?" he asked.
"Sometimes," I answered softly. Truthfully, I hadn't missed it. Texas reminded me of Maria and a roadside west of Galveston where life as I knew it had ceased to exist. Texas reminded me of the Southern Wars, a time of battle and carnage and killing and decades of fighting. I had fled from that existence without looking back. But now… sitting across from this marvelous creature, I wished that I could be that youth I so faintly remembered, the one with the easy smile on his dimpled face, who fished by the river with his brother, his heart light and free and full of happiness.
"I only want you to be happy," Alice had said and I wondered if that were even possible, or if hope for such a thing had died that day over a century ago when my heart had grown silent and stilled to stone.
We were so different, he and I. Like the chess pieces before us, he was light and innocent, his visage bright like the rays from the sun. I was dark and soulless, a monster cloaked in human camouflage, the better to lure my unsuspecting prey to their doom. And even if it were possible that that boy from Texas still somehow existed somewhere deep inside of me, at his age I had been commanding men in the Confederate Army for over two years, a veteran of war. Of death. Before that I had had responsibilities at home far greater than I'm sure this boy had ever seen. It was a different time. Thinking about these realities made the gulf between us seem almost insurmountable.
But yet… here I sat, mesmerized by his tiniest movement, caught in a spell of longing that he wove effortlessly and without even knowing, this bewitching, magical boy.
Alice and Bella had come downstairs and interrupted our play; Bella needed to get home to start dinner for her father. Edward and I finished our game and he toppled his king with a rueful smirk.
"That's something you don't see every day," Bella remarked.
"What's that?" I asked her.
"Edward Masen being outsmarted."
"Somehow, I still feel like I won," Edward responded, looking at me with a small smile. His words sunk into my belly and spread warmth slowly through my gut.
"I see your ego hasn't suffered from your loss," Bella quipped back. I was envious of their easy camaraderie. He just laughed and the room was full of summer.
Edward gave Alice a quick hug goodbye and turned to step toward me. As he reached in my direction, I instinctively took a step back, convinced I would be unable to handle an embrace. I was still unsure of how to manage human contact in general, and even less sure of my control around this particular human when a simple touch of his hand and the brush of his knee had jolted me so thoroughly.
I felt his sharp stab of disappointment and uncertainty as he stepped back from me. He cleared his throat in discomfort.
"Thank you for the chess games, Jasper," he said politely, quickly masking the hurt in his expression. "I had fun."
"Maybe you'd like a rematch sometime," I suggested, trying to let him know with my words and with my eyes that I was not rejecting him, that I had enjoyed his company. That I wanted more of it.
He visibly relaxed and I sensed the relief he allowed himself to feel. "I'd like that," he said with a smile. I returned it and we stood staring at each other until Bella tugged his arm, asking, "Are you ready to go, Edward?"
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Jasper. Alice."
"Tomorrow," I repeated. I made it sound like a promise.
Once they had gone, Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me into the other room, demanding that I tell her all the details about my time with Edward.
"We played a few games of chess. We talked. It was pleasant." I wasn't ready to discuss Edward with Alice. These feelings he evoked were all so confusing and intense. I wanted time to think them through. I could tell she wasn't satisfied with my response, but she didn't push further.
Edward had a meeting with his cross country coach the following day after school, but he came over again on Thursday to lose a few more games of chess to me. I was finding it easier to talk to him the more time we spent together. What Alice had predicted appeared to be coming true: "You're important to each other." I didn't know why or how, but I did know when he wasn't near, I craved his company.
I grew agitated as Friday was coming to close. I soon realized I was reacting to the prospect of not seeing him again until Monday. I heard the students discussing their weekend plans and I found myself wishing I was just another boy whose biggest concerns were getting into a good college or sneaking in late after curfew. The familiar drift towards melancholy began to occur.
For once I understood Alice's fascination with her friend Bella, her obsession with the clothing and customs of the humans around her, her yearning to discover that part of her self she lost so long ago. I found myself wanting things that were… simply impossible.
By Friday night I was practically moping, unable to find interest in anything. Maybe I actually was turning into a teenager in spite of myself. Alice suggested I get out of the house and go hunting. Because of my increased exposure to humans, I was doing my best to keep my thirst firmly at bay. A few days had passed since I had last hunted; it was a good idea. She recommended an area far to the north and told me that should work out well for me.
I ran for hours, enjoying the familiar pounding of my feet in the earth, losing myself in the rhythmic cadence of my steps. I caught a deer easily and drank quickly, taking the edge off my thirst. The taste was bitter and unsatisfying, but it served its purpose. I ventured farther into the forest, hoping to catch the scent of a predator—a bear or a mountain lion would be nice. The wind shifted and I was in luck; a mountain lion was just ahead.
I moved stealthy and silently through the trees, stalking my prey. The wind shifted again and it caught my scent just as I reached it. The lion turned towards me its ears laid back against its head, its teeth bared in a savage snarl. The muscles of its haunches bunched as it prepared to spring at me. I launched myself at the great cat before it could act, wrapping my arms around its body, sinking my hands into its lush, tawny fur. My teeth sliced through its throat and I greedily drank down its savory blood. The lion struggled in my embrace, its sharp claws uselessly clawing the air, its body bucking and thrashing against my hips and torso. My senses came alive as its movements slowly ceased and its life was gradually subsumed into my body.
I drew my head back, licking my lips in satisfaction, gently caressing the luxurious pelt that had housed my sustenance, enjoying the feel of it, soft and wild against my skin.
After disposing of the body, I began the journey back to Forks. The sun was making its appearance over the horizon and the world was bathed in a soft golden light. My body sang with a sanguine pleasure; my skin thrilled to the rush of the wind as I raced towards home. The essence of the mountain lion coursed through my veins and I felt vibrant and powerful and almost alive, my senses heightened and fully aroused.
As I exited the trees I spied a solitary figure jogging down the road. Even from this distance I already knew who it was. I waited at the edge of the forest with heady anticipation, enjoying the play of his muscles, his elegant form. I could tell the moment he recognized me by his quickened breathing and the tell-tale beating of his traitorous heart. I felt his excitement, equal to my own.
When he finally reached me, he stopped just feet away, panting heavily, his chest heaving from exertion. His skin was covered with a slight sheen of sweat and he reached up his arm to wipe the beads from his forehead, using the band on his wrist to absorb the moisture. I could feel the heat pouring off him, the flush of his cheeks deepening as he stood.
My mind was seized with images—his body bucking and thrashing against my own, my arms wrapped around his torso, my mouth at his neck, my hands on his skin. I saw us together in countless ways, our bodies joining and moving and touching and straining, his head thrown back in pleasure, his voice calling out my name, my body pulsing deep inside him, my face buried between his legs.
No longer could I pretend confusion about the emotions this boy brought out in me. I knew I had refused to face them head on; they were wildly inappropriate. He was an innocent, and although of legal age, he was just a boy. I was a monster, a demon, a soulless fiend, over a century older than he. If I touched him in the ways that were now filling my mind, in ways that were causing my body to thrum and awaken from the images alone, I would surely kill him.
But standing there by the side of the road, staring at my beautiful boy, I couldn't find it in me to push my hunger aside any longer. Now that my tumultuous emotions had fully surfaced, I could no longer pretend that the pull I felt was anything other than what it truly was.
It didn't matter that I was over a century older than he. It didn't matter that I was a monster, that I could kill him easily with one careless move. It didn't matter that our situation seemed worse than impossible.
I only knew that I wanted Edward Masen.
And from the waves of desire I felt pulsing from his direction, I knew that Edward wanted me too.
Chapter 10 | Masterpost | Poetry
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