Fic - I Wept Not [22/24]
Jan. 30th, 2012 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arcadianmaggieSummary: Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for? AU, slash.
Chapter 21 | Masterpost
"I have embalmed the days,
Even the sacred moments when we played,
All innocent of passion, uncorrupt,
At noon and evening in the flame-heart's shade.
We were so happy, happy, I remember,
Beneath the poinsettia's red in warm December."
- Claude McKay, "Flame-Heart," l. 25-30
Chapter 22 – The Sacred Moments
EPOV
I woke up to see Jasper sitting next to me, watching me with a worried expression as he leaned against the headboard. He was dressed in one of my t-shirts and a pair of my sweats. God, he was so fucking gorgeous. My stomach fluttered as I remembered his hands on my skin, his mouth all over me.
"Hi," I said with a shy smile.
He smiled back and his face relaxed slightly.
"Hi. How are you feeling?"
I knew he could simply reach out with his gift and discover for himself, but I appreciated that he was asking instead. I thought for a minute. The grief, the anger, the huge adjustments I had had to make in my thinking after finding out about Jasper and the rest of the Cullens had been overwhelming. Jasper had been right; I needed to let it all out. My breakdown and subsequent physical release had been cathartic. Cleansing.
So many thoughts had gone through my head over the past weeks. I had held him at arm's length while I tried to sort through everything. Hearing the details of his violent past helped me understand so much. I even understood why he left. That hadn't stopped the anger, though, or the hurt that he had made the decision without me. After much reflection, I'd come to the same conclusion I had reached when I learned he had killed prior to my attacker: it didn't matter. What had been harder to overcome was his leaving me. But he had given me space, had been completely open, and had to tried to convey in every way possible that he was here to stay. Alice had filled me in on his unwavering devotion and unwillingness to leave my side for even a moment while I had been ill, even going so far as to lie with me, his cool skin against my own, to try and bring my fever down. In the end his patient persistence had gotten through to me. He was Jasper, and he was here, and was there ever really a choice? Was there even the smallest possibility that I would send him away again?
All my confusion and mixed emotions had seemed to crystallize into a moment of complete clarity: I loved Jasper and he loved me. Everything else would sort itself out in time. When I felt his lips against mine, the world faded away. There was no pain, no uncertainty, nothing but him and me and exquisite pleasure and a feeling of complete and total rightness. I felt whole again.
"I feel… better," I finally said.
"Good." He still looked worried. Nervously, he started talking: "I borrowed some of your clothes. I hope you don't mind. I threw ours from earlier in the wash. I would have run home, but I didn't want you to wake up and find me gone, and I didn't know if you'd want me here or if you'd rather be alone. If you want me to leave..."
"Jasper," I interrupted his rambling. I don't know if I had ever seen him like this, stumbling and uncertain. "It's fine. I'm glad you're here. I want you here."
"Alright." He still hadn't relaxed.
"C'mere," I directed, grabbing his hand and tugging him down on the bed so that he was no longer sitting up but lying down facing me.
"I'm okay. Really."
"I was worried you might think I took advantage of you while you were emotionally vulnerable," he confessed.
I laughed. "I was the one who attacked you. Believe me; you did not take advantage of me. If anything, I took advantage of you."
He smiled in response then whispered, "I love that sound."
"What sound?" I asked.
"You, laughing."
Warmth filled me and I was smiling back at him, lost in the adoring look in his eyes. I noticed the worry had never completely left him. He probably still had questions about what it had meant, whether it had just been a way for me to forget for a while, or was it something more.
I reached out to touch his face, tracing my fingers across his forehead, trying to soothe the lines of tension away. I watched him go completely still as I trailed my fingers across his cheekbones and down to his jaw, sliding my hand to the back of his neck.
"I don't regret what happened, Jasper, if that's what's worrying you."
He swallowed, searching my face.
Instead of saying more, I moved closer to him, my eyes locked on his. I could literally see his pupils expanding as he realized what I intended to do. I heard his breath hitch and saw his eyes fluttering shut, then mine did the same as our mouths connected.
It was the same as before, that feeling of total rightness, as if nothing in the world could go wrong while we were together like this.
His lips were soft and cool and sweet, so sweet. When I reached out my tongue to taste him, to savor the taste of him, the flavor I had craved for so long, he gasped into my mouth and I felt his hand reach out to tentatively grasp my hip.
When I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss, he groaned and his grip on my hip tightened. Desire flared in my belly and I shifted closer to him, eager to feel his body against mine. My hand roamed down his back and under the hem of his shirt, gliding over the cool skin, marveling at the muscles coiling under my touch. I felt him pulling the sheet down from my body as his hand slid over the curve of my ass, pulling me closer so that I could feel his arousal, gloriously hard against my own. Our hips pressed against each other as we moved together in small rocking motions. God, the feel of him, hard and wanting and so very close, was electrifying. Every nerve ending in my body was aware of him, on fire, pleasure rippling through me in heady pulses.
I pulled my mouth away from his and buried my face against his neck, trying to gain control before I embarrassed myself and came right then. I didn't want this to be another fast and furious release, as our last desperate actions had been; I wanted to revel in his presence, learn every inch of his body, and know him in ways that had been impossible before.
As I moved away from him leaning up on my elbow, his eyes opened. His expression was questioning.
"Take this off," I requested, tugging at his shirt.
He sat up and pulled it over his head as I drank in the smooth planes of his chest, his chiseled torso and abdomen, his broad shoulders. Fucking beautiful.
My hand reached out to touch him, lightly smoothing over his collarbone before sliding down his chest. I brushed my thumb across his nipple and I watched in fascination as it hardened in response.
A flare of desire blazed white hot within me as I raised my eyes to his and caught his hungry gaze—fervid and desirous. Burning. He held himself still as I explored his skin, and I marveled at the way his muscles twitched as I stroked his abdomen and ran my fingernails gently through the light trail of hair below his belly button. I slipped my fingertips underneath the waistband of his sweats and said, "Take these off too."
He leaned back on his elbows and lifted his hips as he removed his pants. His erection bounced gently against his stomach, thick and long and even sexier than I remembered. When I reached out my hand, grasping his cock loosely in my fist, he dropped back his head with a cry and his hips gave an involuntary jerk upwards. When I gave it a few slow strokes, his elbows gave out and he collapsed backwards on the bed, his body arching up into my hand. I was stunned by the rush I felt watching this gorgeous, powerful creature trembling under my touch.
He gasped and whimpered as I stroked him and all the insecurity I had felt when I learned of his sexual past melted away as I realized the amazing truth: it was the same for him as it was for me. My touch did to him what his did to me. It didn't matter that he was vampire with a history I had yet to fully comprehend. It didn't matter that I had only a fraction of his years and experience. What we had together transcended our differences. It was real and deep and timeless.
I leaned up and over him so I could reach his mouth with mine and kissed him deeply once again, all the while moving my hand in a steady rhythm. When I pulled away so that I could explore his body with my lips, I heard him whisper, "love you… love you." I felt suffused with warmth as I let his declaration wash over me.
As I moved down his body, he gave another cry when I flicked at his nipple with my tongue. He tasted incredible. I lay my head sideways on his chest, my ear pressed against him, curiously noting his silent heart and cool skin. The incongruity of a body technically dead struck me as he writhed beneath me, responding to the motion of my hand on his cock. His noises filled my ears; his delicious scent filled my lungs and he had never seemed so alive, or made me feel more alive. I wanted to lick every inch of his body.
My mouth continued its exploration and I returned some of the teasing he had inflicted on me earlier, running my tongue over the muscles of his stomach, feeling them quivering beneath me, biting him gently on his hips and investigating the impenetrability of his skin beneath my teeth. I wondered how that would feel to him if I did that to his cock.
I pulled back to stare at it, suddenly nervous. He looked up as my hand stilled and propped himself up on his elbows again. I wanted it to be good for him, but I had no idea what I was doing.
"I've never done this before," I said as I slid my thumb across the bit of wetness at the tip of his dick. Was that really venom, I wondered? It looked exactly like pre-cum to me. Jasper had told me that all the fluid in his body was now venom in various dilutions. Unless it was injected directly into my bloodstream in substantial amounts, it wouldn't harm me. I leaned closer to taste it with the tip of my tongue and was pleasantly surprised at the tangy sweetness. It was similar to the taste of his mouth, but more… intense. My tongue tingled a bit where I had touched it.
I looked up to see him staring at me in rapt fascination, his mouth slightly open and his eyes pitch black.
"Is this okay?" I asked.
He nodded, his expression dumbstruck.
I licked him again at the tip then ran my tongue all the way up the side of his dick, trying to imitate the things I liked having done to me. He let out a sort of gargled moan. The sound went straight to my cock and I did it again. This time when I reached the head, I took it into my mouth, wrapping my lips around him. I looked up to see how he was reacting and I felt a flush through my entire body when I saw the raw hunger on his face. I had no idea giving a blow job would be this much of a turn on. Seeing his response made my dick that much harder. Experimentally, I moved my head, trying to see how much of him I could fit in my mouth, keeping my eyes on his the entire time, only tearing them away when I found myself getting too excited. Instead I concentrated on moving my head back and forth, wrapping my tongue around his length as I sucked, and stroking the base of his cock with my hand.
When I had a good rhythm going, I looked up again and was mesmerized by the sight. Jasper had his head thrown back, the tendons in his neck taut; his hands were in tight fists at his side and he was making soft panting cries at each stroke. I could see the effort he was taking not to thrust up into my mouth. He looked so fucking hot that I couldn't stand it and I reached down with my other hand to grab my own aching cock. After a quick tug or two, I moaned against his dick and his head snapped up, eyes burning.
"Gonna come," he gasped, reaching out to push at my shoulder. I pulled off with my mouth, but kept my hand moving as Jasper cried out, arching and shooting thick spurts over his stomach, his chest, and my hand. He was so beautiful, lost in pleasure, and I felt a sudden possessiveness and a determination that no one was ever going to see him this way again but me.
Watching him come was probably the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. With another quick pull at my dick my own release spiraled through me and my cries joined his as I came all over the bed.
After my last tremors had subsided, my eyes drifted up to Jasper, gorgeously splattered with his own cum. I wondered how it tasted. He hadn't wanted to come in my mouth and I didn't know if he was trying to be considerate because it was my first blow job or if there was anything dangerous about his seminal fluid.
"Will it hurt me if I swallow?" I asked.
When he shook his head no, I leaned over to lick a stripe of white from his stomach. Again I was surprised by the sweetness. It tasted very different from mine—I still remembered the earthy flavor from my experimentation with Bella so long ago—and it made my mouth tingle again, almost as if I had sucked on a menthol cough drop, but it wasn't unpleasant in the least. I would have no problem swallowing the next time. I shivered a bit in anticipation, just thinking about it. As I moved to lick some more cum from his stomach, Jasper leaned over to pull me up his body.
"Fuck, Edward," he whispered breathlessly before crashing his lips to mine and plunging his tongue in my mouth. My head spun from the passion of his kiss and I returned it enthusiastically. After a few blissful minutes of tongues sliding, breaths mingling, Jasper pulled away, covering my face in soft kisses, holding me to him as if I were the most precious thing in the world.
"I love you, Edward. I love you," he whispered against my skin over and over.
"You're not just saying that because I gave you a blow job, are you?" I joked in a shaky voice, needing to somehow ease the intensity of the moment. My emotions overwhelmed me; I felt as if I was drowning in the smell of him, the feel of him, losing myself completely in him, not sure where I left off and he began.
He pressed his forehead to mine and chuckled.
"No, I'm not just saying that because of the incredible blow job."
I smiled against his face.
"I love you, too, you know," I said quietly.
His arms pulled me even closer. "I know," he whispered. "Thank you."
He held me against him for a long moment before asking, "Have you forgiven me?" I could feel the tension in his arms.
I realized right then that I had. I didn't want a future without Jasper, and there was no way we could go forward if I was holding on to my anger and hurt.
I pulled back to look at him. "Yes. I can't promise that I'm not going to ever get angry again or throw it in your face when we're fighting, but I want this with you. I want you. I want us."
I kissed him this time, my actions reinforcing my words, and let myself fall into heady oblivion.
-o-
"That first time, when you gave me a hand job at the house, why did you run off?"
"I was afraid I would bite you."
"Do you still worry you might bite me in the heat of the moment?"
"No. Not after seeing you deathly ill and being terrified I might lose you. I could never do anything that would risk having to feel that way again.
"That's not to say that you don't smell delicious," he added seductively as he trailed his nose up the side of my neck and nibbled at my earlobe, his breath in my ear and his cool tongue circling the shell. I shivered and melted into his embrace, sinking into delirium as I felt his hips shift to press his erection into mine.
-o-
"Hi honey, I'm home," I called out as I walked in the door. I threw my backpack with my school books on the hall table, tossed my jacket on top of it and headed toward the kitchen. Jasper was sitting at the table sipping coffee and reading a book. When I came through the door he looked up and my breath caught as a radiant smile lit up his face. So fucking beautiful. He stood up, opening his arms to me. I jumped into them, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He laughed, spinning me around, his strong arms supporting my weight as our lips met in a passionate kiss.
He backed me to the counter and set me down on the edge, then cupped my face in his hands, kissing me thoroughly, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, stealing my breath and making my head swim. My heart pounded and I felt my body flushing with desire. God, the way he could make me feel. I had only been home minutes and I was already hard. I pulled his body closer to me with my legs so I could grind my erection up against his body.
I tugged at his shirt while our lips clashed hungrily and he reached between us, never parting our lips, to rip it from his body before tearing mine down the middle as if it were tissue paper. As our clothes fell away, he continued his assault on my mouth, kisses like drugs that had my mind swimming.
I laughed as he mumbled, "I hope that wasn't your favorite shirt," against my lips. He knew I loved it when he showed off his super human strength, what a turn on I found it that he had all this amazing power that he kept tightly leashed so that he could be with me. His hands were as talented as his lips, moving over my skin, plying my nipples to hardness, then sliding around to cup my ass and pull me ever closer to him.
"Alice?" I asked breathlessly.
"Not home," he mumbled as his lips found that spot on my neck, just below my ear, that made me wild.
"Bedroom," I groaned while frantically rubbing against him.
He growled and desire pulsed through me at the sound, then I was back in his arms and we were in the bedroom before I could barely blink. I was laughing as he tossed me onto the mattress like a ragdoll. He stood before me with a sexy smile on his face as he stripped off his pants, freeing his erection. I shimmied out of my jeans in seconds and then he was crawling over me, like a great prowling cat, and his body slid against mine and our cocks rubbed together and he was moving his hips just like that and it felt so good, so fucking good...
-o-
He lay on his stomach in the middle of the bed. A small patch of sunlight courtesy of a rare sunny Seattle day caused small rainbows of color to shimmer off his shoulder. I was indulging in my desire to lick every inch of him, slowly exploring his body while he answered random questions and told me stories about his past. I had started with his feet and ankles, then worked my way up his long legs.
His memories of his human life were fragmented and incomplete, but I heard tales of the Civil War, of his mother and brother and his life growing up in Texas so long ago.
I straddled the back of his thighs, staring appreciatively at his sculpted ass. He purred as my hands kneaded his flesh and I smiled at the sound. Unbelievably sexy. How was it possible for anyone to be this gorgeous? I leaned over to kiss the small of his back, dipping my tongue into the dimples above his ass. Then I ran my tongue up his spine, slowly, leisurely, all the way up to his neck where I peppered his skin with kisses and soft nips, my hands roaming over his shoulders, my chest pressed against his back.
He gave one of his sexy growls and then he flipped over underneath me, wrapping me in his arms and rolling us over so that he was leaning over me. He kissed me, slow and deep, humming into my mouth. "You're driving me crazy," he whispered as he pulled away, staring at me with a small smile and a look of complete adoration.
I smiled in return, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering at his intensive gaze. His tawny curls were hanging in his face and I reached up to push them back.
"What color were your eyes?" I asked curiously.
A shadow flickered across his face and a small crease formed on his forehead.
"I… don't remember."
My fingers smoothed over his furrowed brow. I stared at the golden eyes that conveyed so much love and said, "They couldn't have been more beautiful than they are now."
Then he kissed me again and again and again and again.
-o-
"Are you sure?" he asked, searching my face.
"Yes," I panted. "Yes, I'm sure."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't. And if you do, it will be okay. I want you. I want you to make me yours. Truly yours. I want you inside me."
I was so wound up. I didn't know it was possible to feel this aroused. Our sexual activities had gotten progressively more intimate and I was shaking with want, half crazed with desire after his fingers, his mouth, his tongue, had teased my entrance until I was practically begging for him to fuck me.
"You keep saying I'm your mate; now mate with me already," I demanded in frustration. He had always held back from this final step and I wasn't sure of his exact reasons.
He laughed softly into my neck and I whined, "Jasper," in response, bucking my hips against him to remind him how hard I was.
"I need you," I begged. "Please."
"I just want you to be sure, Edward," he said seriously, pulling back so he could see my face.
"I am sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you and I want you. Right now, preferably," I added, grinding against him again. "Don't you want me?" I asked.
"God, yes."
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's your first time like this. I just want you to be sure."
Comprehension dawned slowly through my lust addled brain. Could he still have doubts about my feelings for him? Did he think I was going to change my mind about us?
I knew immediately how to fix this.
"Jasper, I want you to use your gift on me. I told you I was sure. I want you to be sure too. I want you to know without a doubt how I feel about you." I knew he had avoided sensing my feelings, wanting to give me the space I needed, and not wanting to inadvertently manipulate me by reacting to things he sensed rather than things I said. I appreciated his effort, but this wasn't the time for nobility.
He opened his mouth to speak and I cut him off: "And don't ask me again if I'm sure."
"Alright," he smiled.
Without wasting any more time, I kissed him, pouring everything I felt into it—the desperate want, the aching need, and most importantly, the unwavering love I had for him, a love that was strong and sure and true. I wasn't going to stop loving him ever. He was mine and I was his.
He moaned into my mouth and I practically felt his capitulation.
"Do you see now?" I whispered. "Do you understand?"
In response he gave me another dizzying kiss. After only a few moments I was back to a fevered state, whimpering and thrusting against him, needy and wanting.
"Please, Jasper, please."
He moved up the bed, so that he was on his back, leaning against the headboard. He pulled me over him so that his cock was sliding against the crack of my ass.
"I think we should do it this way, so you can control the pace. I don't want to hurt you."
"Okay," I panted, my eyes closing at the erotic feeling of him so near my entrance.
Even though his fingers and tongue had been in my ass moments earlier, he coated his fingers with lube and reached behind me to prepare me some more. He pressed a finger gently inside, watching my face. We had done this many times before, so I wasn't uncomfortable with the intrusion. I knew what pleasure his fingers could bring deep inside me. I wanted to feel more.
"Jasper, I'm ready," I reassured him. "I want you. I want to feel your cock inside me."
He groaned at my words and removed his finger. He used a bit more lube to coat his cock and I reached behind me to cover his hand with my own, stroking his length, hard and slick.
His eyes were pitch black and I stared directly into them as I shifted up on my knees to place his tip at my entrance. My one hand was behind me, guiding him into me, the other braced on his muscular chest. As I slowly lowered myself down, I watched his face, his eyelids fluttering as he struggled to keep them open, his jaw clenching as the tendons in his neck went taut, then his lips parted with a gasp.
The stretch of him entering me burned, but it was a good pain. I didn't pause in my movement—I had waited long enough—but sunk slowly lower on him until my ass was flush against his body and he was seated deep inside me. God, he was inside me. My eyes drifted closed and my head dropped toward my chest as the enormity of the moment overwhelmed me. We were as close as we could possible be, joined together in this way.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up and was stunned by the emotions playing across his face, concern, hunger, barely contained passion and most of all love, as if I were the answer to every question in the universe.
I nodded, too overcome to speak.
"I love you," he whispered urgently, "more than anything."
I nodded again, because I knew; I felt the same way. This was right. This was perfect.
I began to move, lifting myself up and settling back down, feeling him sliding in and out, stretching me and filling me up. I had imagined this countless times and it was better than anything I had ever fantasized about, because even when I had dreamed about his cock inside my ass, I hadn't factored in how much more intense it would be to have him staring at me like he was—hungry and so fucking beautiful and as if it were taking everything in him not to ravage me senseless.
His eyes beckoned me and I leaned over to kiss him, melting at the sensation of his tongue plunging into my mouth as my hips ground down on his. I almost fell apart when I felt his cool hands moving over my heated skin, first skimming along my thighs then up my chest to rub my nipples. All the myriad stimulation had me moaning and panting into his mouth. I could barely think.
Then his hands were under my ass, holding me steady as he began to thrust up into me, angling his body so that he was hitting just the right spot inside of me. His movements were careful and slow, but devastatingly effective. I reached between us to stroke my cock and then I was coming, my cries filling his mouth as he continued to move deep within me. As I shuddered against him, he tore his mouth from mine and flung his head back away from me, growling as he arched up into me, finding his own release. I watched him in rapt amazement, my body still shaking with tremors. I had never seen anything more stunning. He was otherworldly beauty, savage wildness.
He was mine.
-o-
Jasper's cool fingers trailed up and down my arm and he smiled as goose bumps broke out upon my skin. He loved all my human reactions—the increased beat of my heart whenever his lips met mine, the flush on my skin as I became aroused. We were lying in bed on our sides, facing one another, completely sated after another long afternoon of lovemaking. He was reciting poetry to me, ever the romantic, and I was enjoying the ache in my muscles, ignoring the paper I was supposed be writing and mentally calculating where I'd have bruises from his eager fingers and enthusiastic lips.
These past few weeks had been like a dream. We couldn't get enough of each other. After our long separation and heartache, it was as if we both were desperate to make up for lost time. I'd have my bad days, where the pain of losing my parents would still hit me hard, but having him there to lean on was a gift.
I had loved him when I was in high school. Truly loved him. But it simply couldn't compare to what I felt for him now. I could never have imagined the depths of our intimacy, the simple joy in the knowing of someone and being known in return. When he said he'd never leave me, I believed him, because I couldn't image life without him again.
"Mmmm. I could stay like this forever," I said in a lazy voice, a satisfied smile on my face.
His fingers on my arm stilled and I realized what I had said. It was the unspoken shadow over our current bliss. We would eventually have to part. I would grow older day by day, and then I would die and he would go on, endlessly into the future, forever frozen in his youthful body. Alice had brought up the idea of changing me, but it was something Jasper and I had never discussed.
"You could, you know," he said in a quiet, serious voice. "Stay like this forever."
"Yes, I know. Alice mentioned it."
"Would you want that?"
"I don't know. I haven't thought it through."
"When you were ill, Carlisle wanted me to choose whether you should be turned if you took a turn for the worse."
Alice had mentioned this as well. "What did you tell him?"
"I… refused to decide. I couldn't bear to lose you, but I feared you despising me for all eternity. I prayed that if you pulled through, it could be something we decided on together."
And here we were, discussing my potential immortality.
"Is it really so terrible?" I asked in a whisper. "Do you still hate your life? Yourself?"
"No, not anymore," he said with a soft smile, reaching out to gently rub my cheek with the back of his hand.
"What do you want, Jasper? Do you wish I was like you?"
Conflicting emotions flitted across his face. "That's a difficult question to answer," he finally said.
We talked for the remainder of the day, exploring the ramifications of each decision: what if I were to be turned; what if I were to remain human? It wasn't a question to be decided in one afternoon. I was glad, however, that it was out in the open. Whatever decision we made, it was clear that our future was something we both saw as happening together.
-o-
"So a werewolf, huh?" I asked with cock of my eyebrow.
"A vampire, huh?" she shot back with a grin.
Charlie had just left for work and Bella and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after Thanksgiving dinner. This was my first holiday without my parents and I was grateful for the invitation. I had gotten choked up once earlier in the evening and the hug Bella gave me let me know that no matter what, we would always be friends.
I had spoken to Bella about the Cullens prior to tonight, but only in the most basic of terms—dealing with accepting their existence to start. This was the first time we'd have a chance to talk about things in terms of our current love lives.
"Where is the big bad wolf, anyway?" I asked.
"At home. Thanksgiving isn't really something the tribe celebrates, you know."
"Right. Still, I'm a little surprised he's not around, if only for the fact that you're fraternizing with a known leech lover."
"You've been talking to Alice, I see," she sad with shake of her head and a wry grin.
I grinned back. "She is my roommate, after all. So does he really not let you hang out with her anymore?"
She huffed and rolled her eyes. "He doesn't 'let' or 'not let' me do anything, thank you very much. I think I'm capable of making my own decisions about who I spend time with."
She was still so easy to rile up.
"Fuck you, Edward," she said when she saw my grin.
I just laughed. We spent the next twenty minutes putting the rest of the food away and washing up the dishes before we went to the living room to have some coffee and really talk.
I told her about the conversations I had had with Jasper about becoming a vampire. Interestingly, she was faced with a somewhat similar dilemma herself. The werewolves stopped aging when they phased, apparently. It was only after they ceased phasing for a significant period of time that they began to age again. Bella, also, was facing growing older while her boyfriend remained young. Of course she didn't have the option I had been offered. I wondered how she and Jacob would decide to handle it.
Boyfriend, I also discovered, wasn't really the right word. I learned wolves imprinted on their mates, creating a permanent bond. Jacob had imprinted on Bella. It's why she was moving back and transferring to Seattle. It was very difficult on imprints to be apart.
"Who would ever guess that we'd both be bound for life to supernatural beings before we can even legally order a drink in a bar," she said with a laugh. I joined in thinking that it really was fucking surreal.
"Why doesn't Jacob just stop phasing?" I asked. Unlike Jasper, he had the ability to continue to age.
"It's not that simple. While there's a threat, they're obligated to protect the tribe. By the Cullens' simple presence here, even though they don't hunt humans, there will always be members who will phase. Then when you take into account the nomad vampires who occasionally make their way through the area, it's really unlikely they'd choose to just stop. As a matter of fact, Jacob was telling me about a pair of vampires they chased off just this past weekend—a red haired woman and her mate."
She sighed. "I suppose I'm just going to look like a cradle robber, or God forbid, a cougar, as I get older and Jake stays adorably young."
"Oh, you've got it bad," I said.
"I do," she agreed quite happily.
"Me too," I admitted with a sheepish smile.
"No shit."
-o-
"What are you thinking?" Jasper asked, propping himself up on his elbow.
I was on my back, my hands behind my head, lost in thought. I turned my head to look at him.
"I'm not ready to become a vampire." I watched his reaction carefully. Would he be disappointed?
I saw something that looked like relief flash across his face, and maybe a little disappointment too. I wished I could read his mind.
"I'm not saying not ever," I continued, wanting him to understand how I came to my decision. "But you said for the first year, all I'll be able to think about is blood. And there's always the chance that I'll be actually killed, that whoever turns me gets carried away and doesn't stop in time."
"That's true."
"I want to finish school first, at the very least. There are so many risks and unknowns, it seems foolish to voluntarily choose that path when what we have here and now is, to my mind at least, pretty fucking perfect.
"In a few years, we can reevaluate."
"Sounds reasonable."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Of course not."
"I don't want you to think it's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, because I do."
A smile began to grow on his gorgeous face.
"And I don't want you to think that I view becoming a vampire as some horrible awful fate, because I don't. Granted, there are aspects of it that sound exceedingly… unpleasant. But I know you'll do everything you can to keep me from attacking anyone."
"I will."
"And frankly, spending eternity with you sounds not so bad."
"Not so bad, is it?" he asked with a smile.
"Not so bad," I said, smiling back.
There was one other thing I needed to tell him. "I want you to promise me something."
"What's that?" He sensed the seriousness in my voice.
"If there's ever a situation like Mexico, I mean where I'm sick enough that I'm going to die, I want you to promise that you'll turn me. Will you promise?"
His eyes searched my face. "I promise."
I let out a breath in relief. "Thank you. I… I just can't stand the thought of you being alone after I'm gone."
He leaned over and kissed me then, the kind of kiss that made my stomach swoop and my head spin.
"Edward?" he said as he pulled back.
"Hmmm?" I asked, still dazed from his kiss.
"You're pretty fucking perfect," he said before he kissed me again.
Chapter 23 | Masterpost | Poetry
Chapter 21 | Masterpost
Even the sacred moments when we played,
All innocent of passion, uncorrupt,
At noon and evening in the flame-heart's shade.
We were so happy, happy, I remember,
Beneath the poinsettia's red in warm December."
- Claude McKay, "Flame-Heart," l. 25-30
Chapter 22 – The Sacred Moments
EPOV
I woke up to see Jasper sitting next to me, watching me with a worried expression as he leaned against the headboard. He was dressed in one of my t-shirts and a pair of my sweats. God, he was so fucking gorgeous. My stomach fluttered as I remembered his hands on my skin, his mouth all over me.
"Hi," I said with a shy smile.
He smiled back and his face relaxed slightly.
"Hi. How are you feeling?"
I knew he could simply reach out with his gift and discover for himself, but I appreciated that he was asking instead. I thought for a minute. The grief, the anger, the huge adjustments I had had to make in my thinking after finding out about Jasper and the rest of the Cullens had been overwhelming. Jasper had been right; I needed to let it all out. My breakdown and subsequent physical release had been cathartic. Cleansing.
So many thoughts had gone through my head over the past weeks. I had held him at arm's length while I tried to sort through everything. Hearing the details of his violent past helped me understand so much. I even understood why he left. That hadn't stopped the anger, though, or the hurt that he had made the decision without me. After much reflection, I'd come to the same conclusion I had reached when I learned he had killed prior to my attacker: it didn't matter. What had been harder to overcome was his leaving me. But he had given me space, had been completely open, and had to tried to convey in every way possible that he was here to stay. Alice had filled me in on his unwavering devotion and unwillingness to leave my side for even a moment while I had been ill, even going so far as to lie with me, his cool skin against my own, to try and bring my fever down. In the end his patient persistence had gotten through to me. He was Jasper, and he was here, and was there ever really a choice? Was there even the smallest possibility that I would send him away again?
All my confusion and mixed emotions had seemed to crystallize into a moment of complete clarity: I loved Jasper and he loved me. Everything else would sort itself out in time. When I felt his lips against mine, the world faded away. There was no pain, no uncertainty, nothing but him and me and exquisite pleasure and a feeling of complete and total rightness. I felt whole again.
"I feel… better," I finally said.
"Good." He still looked worried. Nervously, he started talking: "I borrowed some of your clothes. I hope you don't mind. I threw ours from earlier in the wash. I would have run home, but I didn't want you to wake up and find me gone, and I didn't know if you'd want me here or if you'd rather be alone. If you want me to leave..."
"Jasper," I interrupted his rambling. I don't know if I had ever seen him like this, stumbling and uncertain. "It's fine. I'm glad you're here. I want you here."
"Alright." He still hadn't relaxed.
"C'mere," I directed, grabbing his hand and tugging him down on the bed so that he was no longer sitting up but lying down facing me.
"I'm okay. Really."
"I was worried you might think I took advantage of you while you were emotionally vulnerable," he confessed.
I laughed. "I was the one who attacked you. Believe me; you did not take advantage of me. If anything, I took advantage of you."
He smiled in response then whispered, "I love that sound."
"What sound?" I asked.
"You, laughing."
Warmth filled me and I was smiling back at him, lost in the adoring look in his eyes. I noticed the worry had never completely left him. He probably still had questions about what it had meant, whether it had just been a way for me to forget for a while, or was it something more.
I reached out to touch his face, tracing my fingers across his forehead, trying to soothe the lines of tension away. I watched him go completely still as I trailed my fingers across his cheekbones and down to his jaw, sliding my hand to the back of his neck.
"I don't regret what happened, Jasper, if that's what's worrying you."
He swallowed, searching my face.
Instead of saying more, I moved closer to him, my eyes locked on his. I could literally see his pupils expanding as he realized what I intended to do. I heard his breath hitch and saw his eyes fluttering shut, then mine did the same as our mouths connected.
It was the same as before, that feeling of total rightness, as if nothing in the world could go wrong while we were together like this.
His lips were soft and cool and sweet, so sweet. When I reached out my tongue to taste him, to savor the taste of him, the flavor I had craved for so long, he gasped into my mouth and I felt his hand reach out to tentatively grasp my hip.
When I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss, he groaned and his grip on my hip tightened. Desire flared in my belly and I shifted closer to him, eager to feel his body against mine. My hand roamed down his back and under the hem of his shirt, gliding over the cool skin, marveling at the muscles coiling under my touch. I felt him pulling the sheet down from my body as his hand slid over the curve of my ass, pulling me closer so that I could feel his arousal, gloriously hard against my own. Our hips pressed against each other as we moved together in small rocking motions. God, the feel of him, hard and wanting and so very close, was electrifying. Every nerve ending in my body was aware of him, on fire, pleasure rippling through me in heady pulses.
I pulled my mouth away from his and buried my face against his neck, trying to gain control before I embarrassed myself and came right then. I didn't want this to be another fast and furious release, as our last desperate actions had been; I wanted to revel in his presence, learn every inch of his body, and know him in ways that had been impossible before.
As I moved away from him leaning up on my elbow, his eyes opened. His expression was questioning.
"Take this off," I requested, tugging at his shirt.
He sat up and pulled it over his head as I drank in the smooth planes of his chest, his chiseled torso and abdomen, his broad shoulders. Fucking beautiful.
My hand reached out to touch him, lightly smoothing over his collarbone before sliding down his chest. I brushed my thumb across his nipple and I watched in fascination as it hardened in response.
A flare of desire blazed white hot within me as I raised my eyes to his and caught his hungry gaze—fervid and desirous. Burning. He held himself still as I explored his skin, and I marveled at the way his muscles twitched as I stroked his abdomen and ran my fingernails gently through the light trail of hair below his belly button. I slipped my fingertips underneath the waistband of his sweats and said, "Take these off too."
He leaned back on his elbows and lifted his hips as he removed his pants. His erection bounced gently against his stomach, thick and long and even sexier than I remembered. When I reached out my hand, grasping his cock loosely in my fist, he dropped back his head with a cry and his hips gave an involuntary jerk upwards. When I gave it a few slow strokes, his elbows gave out and he collapsed backwards on the bed, his body arching up into my hand. I was stunned by the rush I felt watching this gorgeous, powerful creature trembling under my touch.
He gasped and whimpered as I stroked him and all the insecurity I had felt when I learned of his sexual past melted away as I realized the amazing truth: it was the same for him as it was for me. My touch did to him what his did to me. It didn't matter that he was vampire with a history I had yet to fully comprehend. It didn't matter that I had only a fraction of his years and experience. What we had together transcended our differences. It was real and deep and timeless.
I leaned up and over him so I could reach his mouth with mine and kissed him deeply once again, all the while moving my hand in a steady rhythm. When I pulled away so that I could explore his body with my lips, I heard him whisper, "love you… love you." I felt suffused with warmth as I let his declaration wash over me.
As I moved down his body, he gave another cry when I flicked at his nipple with my tongue. He tasted incredible. I lay my head sideways on his chest, my ear pressed against him, curiously noting his silent heart and cool skin. The incongruity of a body technically dead struck me as he writhed beneath me, responding to the motion of my hand on his cock. His noises filled my ears; his delicious scent filled my lungs and he had never seemed so alive, or made me feel more alive. I wanted to lick every inch of his body.
My mouth continued its exploration and I returned some of the teasing he had inflicted on me earlier, running my tongue over the muscles of his stomach, feeling them quivering beneath me, biting him gently on his hips and investigating the impenetrability of his skin beneath my teeth. I wondered how that would feel to him if I did that to his cock.
I pulled back to stare at it, suddenly nervous. He looked up as my hand stilled and propped himself up on his elbows again. I wanted it to be good for him, but I had no idea what I was doing.
"I've never done this before," I said as I slid my thumb across the bit of wetness at the tip of his dick. Was that really venom, I wondered? It looked exactly like pre-cum to me. Jasper had told me that all the fluid in his body was now venom in various dilutions. Unless it was injected directly into my bloodstream in substantial amounts, it wouldn't harm me. I leaned closer to taste it with the tip of my tongue and was pleasantly surprised at the tangy sweetness. It was similar to the taste of his mouth, but more… intense. My tongue tingled a bit where I had touched it.
I looked up to see him staring at me in rapt fascination, his mouth slightly open and his eyes pitch black.
"Is this okay?" I asked.
He nodded, his expression dumbstruck.
I licked him again at the tip then ran my tongue all the way up the side of his dick, trying to imitate the things I liked having done to me. He let out a sort of gargled moan. The sound went straight to my cock and I did it again. This time when I reached the head, I took it into my mouth, wrapping my lips around him. I looked up to see how he was reacting and I felt a flush through my entire body when I saw the raw hunger on his face. I had no idea giving a blow job would be this much of a turn on. Seeing his response made my dick that much harder. Experimentally, I moved my head, trying to see how much of him I could fit in my mouth, keeping my eyes on his the entire time, only tearing them away when I found myself getting too excited. Instead I concentrated on moving my head back and forth, wrapping my tongue around his length as I sucked, and stroking the base of his cock with my hand.
When I had a good rhythm going, I looked up again and was mesmerized by the sight. Jasper had his head thrown back, the tendons in his neck taut; his hands were in tight fists at his side and he was making soft panting cries at each stroke. I could see the effort he was taking not to thrust up into my mouth. He looked so fucking hot that I couldn't stand it and I reached down with my other hand to grab my own aching cock. After a quick tug or two, I moaned against his dick and his head snapped up, eyes burning.
"Gonna come," he gasped, reaching out to push at my shoulder. I pulled off with my mouth, but kept my hand moving as Jasper cried out, arching and shooting thick spurts over his stomach, his chest, and my hand. He was so beautiful, lost in pleasure, and I felt a sudden possessiveness and a determination that no one was ever going to see him this way again but me.
Watching him come was probably the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. With another quick pull at my dick my own release spiraled through me and my cries joined his as I came all over the bed.
After my last tremors had subsided, my eyes drifted up to Jasper, gorgeously splattered with his own cum. I wondered how it tasted. He hadn't wanted to come in my mouth and I didn't know if he was trying to be considerate because it was my first blow job or if there was anything dangerous about his seminal fluid.
"Will it hurt me if I swallow?" I asked.
When he shook his head no, I leaned over to lick a stripe of white from his stomach. Again I was surprised by the sweetness. It tasted very different from mine—I still remembered the earthy flavor from my experimentation with Bella so long ago—and it made my mouth tingle again, almost as if I had sucked on a menthol cough drop, but it wasn't unpleasant in the least. I would have no problem swallowing the next time. I shivered a bit in anticipation, just thinking about it. As I moved to lick some more cum from his stomach, Jasper leaned over to pull me up his body.
"Fuck, Edward," he whispered breathlessly before crashing his lips to mine and plunging his tongue in my mouth. My head spun from the passion of his kiss and I returned it enthusiastically. After a few blissful minutes of tongues sliding, breaths mingling, Jasper pulled away, covering my face in soft kisses, holding me to him as if I were the most precious thing in the world.
"I love you, Edward. I love you," he whispered against my skin over and over.
"You're not just saying that because I gave you a blow job, are you?" I joked in a shaky voice, needing to somehow ease the intensity of the moment. My emotions overwhelmed me; I felt as if I was drowning in the smell of him, the feel of him, losing myself completely in him, not sure where I left off and he began.
He pressed his forehead to mine and chuckled.
"No, I'm not just saying that because of the incredible blow job."
I smiled against his face.
"I love you, too, you know," I said quietly.
His arms pulled me even closer. "I know," he whispered. "Thank you."
He held me against him for a long moment before asking, "Have you forgiven me?" I could feel the tension in his arms.
I realized right then that I had. I didn't want a future without Jasper, and there was no way we could go forward if I was holding on to my anger and hurt.
I pulled back to look at him. "Yes. I can't promise that I'm not going to ever get angry again or throw it in your face when we're fighting, but I want this with you. I want you. I want us."
I kissed him this time, my actions reinforcing my words, and let myself fall into heady oblivion.
"That first time, when you gave me a hand job at the house, why did you run off?"
"I was afraid I would bite you."
"Do you still worry you might bite me in the heat of the moment?"
"No. Not after seeing you deathly ill and being terrified I might lose you. I could never do anything that would risk having to feel that way again.
"That's not to say that you don't smell delicious," he added seductively as he trailed his nose up the side of my neck and nibbled at my earlobe, his breath in my ear and his cool tongue circling the shell. I shivered and melted into his embrace, sinking into delirium as I felt his hips shift to press his erection into mine.
"Hi honey, I'm home," I called out as I walked in the door. I threw my backpack with my school books on the hall table, tossed my jacket on top of it and headed toward the kitchen. Jasper was sitting at the table sipping coffee and reading a book. When I came through the door he looked up and my breath caught as a radiant smile lit up his face. So fucking beautiful. He stood up, opening his arms to me. I jumped into them, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He laughed, spinning me around, his strong arms supporting my weight as our lips met in a passionate kiss.
He backed me to the counter and set me down on the edge, then cupped my face in his hands, kissing me thoroughly, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, stealing my breath and making my head swim. My heart pounded and I felt my body flushing with desire. God, the way he could make me feel. I had only been home minutes and I was already hard. I pulled his body closer to me with my legs so I could grind my erection up against his body.
I tugged at his shirt while our lips clashed hungrily and he reached between us, never parting our lips, to rip it from his body before tearing mine down the middle as if it were tissue paper. As our clothes fell away, he continued his assault on my mouth, kisses like drugs that had my mind swimming.
I laughed as he mumbled, "I hope that wasn't your favorite shirt," against my lips. He knew I loved it when he showed off his super human strength, what a turn on I found it that he had all this amazing power that he kept tightly leashed so that he could be with me. His hands were as talented as his lips, moving over my skin, plying my nipples to hardness, then sliding around to cup my ass and pull me ever closer to him.
"Alice?" I asked breathlessly.
"Not home," he mumbled as his lips found that spot on my neck, just below my ear, that made me wild.
"Bedroom," I groaned while frantically rubbing against him.
He growled and desire pulsed through me at the sound, then I was back in his arms and we were in the bedroom before I could barely blink. I was laughing as he tossed me onto the mattress like a ragdoll. He stood before me with a sexy smile on his face as he stripped off his pants, freeing his erection. I shimmied out of my jeans in seconds and then he was crawling over me, like a great prowling cat, and his body slid against mine and our cocks rubbed together and he was moving his hips just like that and it felt so good, so fucking good...
He lay on his stomach in the middle of the bed. A small patch of sunlight courtesy of a rare sunny Seattle day caused small rainbows of color to shimmer off his shoulder. I was indulging in my desire to lick every inch of him, slowly exploring his body while he answered random questions and told me stories about his past. I had started with his feet and ankles, then worked my way up his long legs.
His memories of his human life were fragmented and incomplete, but I heard tales of the Civil War, of his mother and brother and his life growing up in Texas so long ago.
I straddled the back of his thighs, staring appreciatively at his sculpted ass. He purred as my hands kneaded his flesh and I smiled at the sound. Unbelievably sexy. How was it possible for anyone to be this gorgeous? I leaned over to kiss the small of his back, dipping my tongue into the dimples above his ass. Then I ran my tongue up his spine, slowly, leisurely, all the way up to his neck where I peppered his skin with kisses and soft nips, my hands roaming over his shoulders, my chest pressed against his back.
He gave one of his sexy growls and then he flipped over underneath me, wrapping me in his arms and rolling us over so that he was leaning over me. He kissed me, slow and deep, humming into my mouth. "You're driving me crazy," he whispered as he pulled away, staring at me with a small smile and a look of complete adoration.
I smiled in return, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering at his intensive gaze. His tawny curls were hanging in his face and I reached up to push them back.
"What color were your eyes?" I asked curiously.
A shadow flickered across his face and a small crease formed on his forehead.
"I… don't remember."
My fingers smoothed over his furrowed brow. I stared at the golden eyes that conveyed so much love and said, "They couldn't have been more beautiful than they are now."
Then he kissed me again and again and again and again.
"Are you sure?" he asked, searching my face.
"Yes," I panted. "Yes, I'm sure."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't. And if you do, it will be okay. I want you. I want you to make me yours. Truly yours. I want you inside me."
I was so wound up. I didn't know it was possible to feel this aroused. Our sexual activities had gotten progressively more intimate and I was shaking with want, half crazed with desire after his fingers, his mouth, his tongue, had teased my entrance until I was practically begging for him to fuck me.
"You keep saying I'm your mate; now mate with me already," I demanded in frustration. He had always held back from this final step and I wasn't sure of his exact reasons.
He laughed softly into my neck and I whined, "Jasper," in response, bucking my hips against him to remind him how hard I was.
"I need you," I begged. "Please."
"I just want you to be sure, Edward," he said seriously, pulling back so he could see my face.
"I am sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you and I want you. Right now, preferably," I added, grinding against him again. "Don't you want me?" I asked.
"God, yes."
"Then what's the problem?"
"It's your first time like this. I just want you to be sure."
Comprehension dawned slowly through my lust addled brain. Could he still have doubts about my feelings for him? Did he think I was going to change my mind about us?
I knew immediately how to fix this.
"Jasper, I want you to use your gift on me. I told you I was sure. I want you to be sure too. I want you to know without a doubt how I feel about you." I knew he had avoided sensing my feelings, wanting to give me the space I needed, and not wanting to inadvertently manipulate me by reacting to things he sensed rather than things I said. I appreciated his effort, but this wasn't the time for nobility.
He opened his mouth to speak and I cut him off: "And don't ask me again if I'm sure."
"Alright," he smiled.
Without wasting any more time, I kissed him, pouring everything I felt into it—the desperate want, the aching need, and most importantly, the unwavering love I had for him, a love that was strong and sure and true. I wasn't going to stop loving him ever. He was mine and I was his.
He moaned into my mouth and I practically felt his capitulation.
"Do you see now?" I whispered. "Do you understand?"
In response he gave me another dizzying kiss. After only a few moments I was back to a fevered state, whimpering and thrusting against him, needy and wanting.
"Please, Jasper, please."
He moved up the bed, so that he was on his back, leaning against the headboard. He pulled me over him so that his cock was sliding against the crack of my ass.
"I think we should do it this way, so you can control the pace. I don't want to hurt you."
"Okay," I panted, my eyes closing at the erotic feeling of him so near my entrance.
Even though his fingers and tongue had been in my ass moments earlier, he coated his fingers with lube and reached behind me to prepare me some more. He pressed a finger gently inside, watching my face. We had done this many times before, so I wasn't uncomfortable with the intrusion. I knew what pleasure his fingers could bring deep inside me. I wanted to feel more.
"Jasper, I'm ready," I reassured him. "I want you. I want to feel your cock inside me."
He groaned at my words and removed his finger. He used a bit more lube to coat his cock and I reached behind me to cover his hand with my own, stroking his length, hard and slick.
His eyes were pitch black and I stared directly into them as I shifted up on my knees to place his tip at my entrance. My one hand was behind me, guiding him into me, the other braced on his muscular chest. As I slowly lowered myself down, I watched his face, his eyelids fluttering as he struggled to keep them open, his jaw clenching as the tendons in his neck went taut, then his lips parted with a gasp.
The stretch of him entering me burned, but it was a good pain. I didn't pause in my movement—I had waited long enough—but sunk slowly lower on him until my ass was flush against his body and he was seated deep inside me. God, he was inside me. My eyes drifted closed and my head dropped toward my chest as the enormity of the moment overwhelmed me. We were as close as we could possible be, joined together in this way.
"Are you okay?"
I looked up and was stunned by the emotions playing across his face, concern, hunger, barely contained passion and most of all love, as if I were the answer to every question in the universe.
I nodded, too overcome to speak.
"I love you," he whispered urgently, "more than anything."
I nodded again, because I knew; I felt the same way. This was right. This was perfect.
I began to move, lifting myself up and settling back down, feeling him sliding in and out, stretching me and filling me up. I had imagined this countless times and it was better than anything I had ever fantasized about, because even when I had dreamed about his cock inside my ass, I hadn't factored in how much more intense it would be to have him staring at me like he was—hungry and so fucking beautiful and as if it were taking everything in him not to ravage me senseless.
His eyes beckoned me and I leaned over to kiss him, melting at the sensation of his tongue plunging into my mouth as my hips ground down on his. I almost fell apart when I felt his cool hands moving over my heated skin, first skimming along my thighs then up my chest to rub my nipples. All the myriad stimulation had me moaning and panting into his mouth. I could barely think.
Then his hands were under my ass, holding me steady as he began to thrust up into me, angling his body so that he was hitting just the right spot inside of me. His movements were careful and slow, but devastatingly effective. I reached between us to stroke my cock and then I was coming, my cries filling his mouth as he continued to move deep within me. As I shuddered against him, he tore his mouth from mine and flung his head back away from me, growling as he arched up into me, finding his own release. I watched him in rapt amazement, my body still shaking with tremors. I had never seen anything more stunning. He was otherworldly beauty, savage wildness.
He was mine.
Jasper's cool fingers trailed up and down my arm and he smiled as goose bumps broke out upon my skin. He loved all my human reactions—the increased beat of my heart whenever his lips met mine, the flush on my skin as I became aroused. We were lying in bed on our sides, facing one another, completely sated after another long afternoon of lovemaking. He was reciting poetry to me, ever the romantic, and I was enjoying the ache in my muscles, ignoring the paper I was supposed be writing and mentally calculating where I'd have bruises from his eager fingers and enthusiastic lips.
These past few weeks had been like a dream. We couldn't get enough of each other. After our long separation and heartache, it was as if we both were desperate to make up for lost time. I'd have my bad days, where the pain of losing my parents would still hit me hard, but having him there to lean on was a gift.
I had loved him when I was in high school. Truly loved him. But it simply couldn't compare to what I felt for him now. I could never have imagined the depths of our intimacy, the simple joy in the knowing of someone and being known in return. When he said he'd never leave me, I believed him, because I couldn't image life without him again.
"Mmmm. I could stay like this forever," I said in a lazy voice, a satisfied smile on my face.
His fingers on my arm stilled and I realized what I had said. It was the unspoken shadow over our current bliss. We would eventually have to part. I would grow older day by day, and then I would die and he would go on, endlessly into the future, forever frozen in his youthful body. Alice had brought up the idea of changing me, but it was something Jasper and I had never discussed.
"You could, you know," he said in a quiet, serious voice. "Stay like this forever."
"Yes, I know. Alice mentioned it."
"Would you want that?"
"I don't know. I haven't thought it through."
"When you were ill, Carlisle wanted me to choose whether you should be turned if you took a turn for the worse."
Alice had mentioned this as well. "What did you tell him?"
"I… refused to decide. I couldn't bear to lose you, but I feared you despising me for all eternity. I prayed that if you pulled through, it could be something we decided on together."
And here we were, discussing my potential immortality.
"Is it really so terrible?" I asked in a whisper. "Do you still hate your life? Yourself?"
"No, not anymore," he said with a soft smile, reaching out to gently rub my cheek with the back of his hand.
"What do you want, Jasper? Do you wish I was like you?"
Conflicting emotions flitted across his face. "That's a difficult question to answer," he finally said.
We talked for the remainder of the day, exploring the ramifications of each decision: what if I were to be turned; what if I were to remain human? It wasn't a question to be decided in one afternoon. I was glad, however, that it was out in the open. Whatever decision we made, it was clear that our future was something we both saw as happening together.
"So a werewolf, huh?" I asked with cock of my eyebrow.
"A vampire, huh?" she shot back with a grin.
Charlie had just left for work and Bella and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after Thanksgiving dinner. This was my first holiday without my parents and I was grateful for the invitation. I had gotten choked up once earlier in the evening and the hug Bella gave me let me know that no matter what, we would always be friends.
I had spoken to Bella about the Cullens prior to tonight, but only in the most basic of terms—dealing with accepting their existence to start. This was the first time we'd have a chance to talk about things in terms of our current love lives.
"Where is the big bad wolf, anyway?" I asked.
"At home. Thanksgiving isn't really something the tribe celebrates, you know."
"Right. Still, I'm a little surprised he's not around, if only for the fact that you're fraternizing with a known leech lover."
"You've been talking to Alice, I see," she sad with shake of her head and a wry grin.
I grinned back. "She is my roommate, after all. So does he really not let you hang out with her anymore?"
She huffed and rolled her eyes. "He doesn't 'let' or 'not let' me do anything, thank you very much. I think I'm capable of making my own decisions about who I spend time with."
She was still so easy to rile up.
"Fuck you, Edward," she said when she saw my grin.
I just laughed. We spent the next twenty minutes putting the rest of the food away and washing up the dishes before we went to the living room to have some coffee and really talk.
I told her about the conversations I had had with Jasper about becoming a vampire. Interestingly, she was faced with a somewhat similar dilemma herself. The werewolves stopped aging when they phased, apparently. It was only after they ceased phasing for a significant period of time that they began to age again. Bella, also, was facing growing older while her boyfriend remained young. Of course she didn't have the option I had been offered. I wondered how she and Jacob would decide to handle it.
Boyfriend, I also discovered, wasn't really the right word. I learned wolves imprinted on their mates, creating a permanent bond. Jacob had imprinted on Bella. It's why she was moving back and transferring to Seattle. It was very difficult on imprints to be apart.
"Who would ever guess that we'd both be bound for life to supernatural beings before we can even legally order a drink in a bar," she said with a laugh. I joined in thinking that it really was fucking surreal.
"Why doesn't Jacob just stop phasing?" I asked. Unlike Jasper, he had the ability to continue to age.
"It's not that simple. While there's a threat, they're obligated to protect the tribe. By the Cullens' simple presence here, even though they don't hunt humans, there will always be members who will phase. Then when you take into account the nomad vampires who occasionally make their way through the area, it's really unlikely they'd choose to just stop. As a matter of fact, Jacob was telling me about a pair of vampires they chased off just this past weekend—a red haired woman and her mate."
She sighed. "I suppose I'm just going to look like a cradle robber, or God forbid, a cougar, as I get older and Jake stays adorably young."
"Oh, you've got it bad," I said.
"I do," she agreed quite happily.
"Me too," I admitted with a sheepish smile.
"No shit."
"What are you thinking?" Jasper asked, propping himself up on his elbow.
I was on my back, my hands behind my head, lost in thought. I turned my head to look at him.
"I'm not ready to become a vampire." I watched his reaction carefully. Would he be disappointed?
I saw something that looked like relief flash across his face, and maybe a little disappointment too. I wished I could read his mind.
"I'm not saying not ever," I continued, wanting him to understand how I came to my decision. "But you said for the first year, all I'll be able to think about is blood. And there's always the chance that I'll be actually killed, that whoever turns me gets carried away and doesn't stop in time."
"That's true."
"I want to finish school first, at the very least. There are so many risks and unknowns, it seems foolish to voluntarily choose that path when what we have here and now is, to my mind at least, pretty fucking perfect.
"In a few years, we can reevaluate."
"Sounds reasonable."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Of course not."
"I don't want you to think it's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, because I do."
A smile began to grow on his gorgeous face.
"And I don't want you to think that I view becoming a vampire as some horrible awful fate, because I don't. Granted, there are aspects of it that sound exceedingly… unpleasant. But I know you'll do everything you can to keep me from attacking anyone."
"I will."
"And frankly, spending eternity with you sounds not so bad."
"Not so bad, is it?" he asked with a smile.
"Not so bad," I said, smiling back.
There was one other thing I needed to tell him. "I want you to promise me something."
"What's that?" He sensed the seriousness in my voice.
"If there's ever a situation like Mexico, I mean where I'm sick enough that I'm going to die, I want you to promise that you'll turn me. Will you promise?"
His eyes searched my face. "I promise."
I let out a breath in relief. "Thank you. I… I just can't stand the thought of you being alone after I'm gone."
He leaned over and kissed me then, the kind of kiss that made my stomach swoop and my head spin.
"Edward?" he said as he pulled back.
"Hmmm?" I asked, still dazed from his kiss.
"You're pretty fucking perfect," he said before he kissed me again.
Chapter 23 | Masterpost | Poetry
Tags:
