Fic - I Wept Not [19/24]
Jan. 30th, 2012 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arcadianmaggieSummary: Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for? AU, slash.
Chapter 18 | Masterpost
"But when I hold you I hold everything that is—
sand, time, the tree of rain"
- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet VIII," l. 10-11
Chapter 19 – Everything That Is
JPOV
I was reeling as I listened to Alice on the telephone. This could not be happening. I was brought back to that terrible night in Port Angeles when I answered the phone, expecting to hear Alice reminding me to buy cannoli for Bella, only to find out that Edward's life was hanging in the balance.
As she was describing her vision to me, I felt fear slowly stealing over me, like a paralyzing poison inside my veins. My mind could not comprehend. It simply wasn't possible that I could lose Edward before I even had the chance to see him again, before I could let him know how much I still loved him. How I had never stopped loving him.
"Jasper! I need you to listen to me," Alice was saying on the phone.
"I'm listening. Where are you now?" I asked.
"We're on the plane. We left Phoenix a few hours ago after our layover. I've been trying to reach you. The flight is another couple hours and maybe another forty-five minutes after we get the car. You need to head to Anchorage. There's a 9:30PM flight to Seattle that gets in at 1:55AM. We'll arrange a private charter to save you a few hours. Otherwise, you'd have to wait until 5:15AM to leave."
At her words, the fear clawed at my insides and I dropped to my knees. "A few hours?" I asked in a shaky voice. "Is it that serious a few hours could make a difference?" This could not be real.
"I don't know. I don't know!" The tone in her voice was rattling me. "I can't see what's going to happen. I'm… pretty sure we're going to be too late to save Ed, but I can't see what's going to happen with Elizabeth or with Edward. They're very sick, though. Very sick. I can't see. I just don't know!"
"What's wrong with them? Alice? Tell me!" I was panicking.
Carlisle's voice came over the phone. "Jasper? Son?" I felt a slight lessening of my panic hearing his calm steady voice.
"I'm here."
"We don't know why they're sick. Alice can't see that, but I suspect it's the H1N1 influenza virus. There's an outbreak in Mexico from a new strain that's quickly reaching epidemic proportions. The CDC has been following it. There have been quite a few fatalities, especially with the development of a secondary infection. They're afraid it might become a pandemic before too long."
"Influenza?" I asked, shaken. People today worried less about such illnesses, especially with the wide availability of flu shots, but in my time as a human, I had seen many die from such a thing. Carlisle could sense my distress.
"He's a healthy young man, Jasper. I'm bringing what medical supplies I can, including antivirals. I promise you I'll do everything I can for them."
He paused before continuing. "I need to ask you something. I'm praying for the best. We'll know in a few short hours what we're dealing with, but in the event that he is seriously ill… that he's too far gone to treat… would you want me to turn him?"
My reaction was immediate and from the gut, "NO!" I cried out in anguish. He couldn't die. He couldn't.
"Son, please just think about it. I pray it won't come to that, but I want to at least be prepared for the possibility. Alice is almost certain we're going to lose Ed. I love you, son. And we've missed you. I know how difficult it's been for you, to be parted from your mate for so long. Can you accept that future? A future without Edward?"
"Carlisle," I could barely speak I was so overcome with emotions. "How could I ever condemn him to such an existence?" And yet… I wanted it. I shouldn't, but God help me, I did.
"I understand what you're feeling. I've told you how I struggled when Esme was brought to me, broken and bleeding. You know the decision I ultimately made. I want you to think about it for the next few hours. I don't know what kind of communication will be available once we land. In the event that we can't reach you once we're at the resort, I would want to know your wishes ahead of time."
"I'll think about it," I whispered.
"Good. I love you, son. We'll call you again in a few hours. If Alice sees anything new, we'll call before then. You won't be that far behind us. I love you."
"I love you too," I said before hanging up the phone.
How could the whole world be turned upside down in the space of minutes? I had barely had time to enjoy the return of hope before the threat of eternal darkness once again loomed. How could I not think of my existence as anything but cursed?
And now I was being asked to bare my secret shame. To raise it into the light, unveiled. Exposed. I was being encouraged to indulge in its reality, give legitimacy to my most loathsome desires. Carlisle would turn him for me, if I asked. I fought to tamp down the monstrous joy that threatened to overwhelm me.
I couldn't ask that, could I? I leaned my elbows on my knees, gripping my hair in fists.
When I had decided to return to Edward, I had not wanted to waste another minute without him. I had refused to think about the finite span of his short human life. I concentrated on what we would have together, if he would but let me back in, rather than what we would not. I knew, though, that I would again lose him one day, unless he were changed. I had pushed the thoughts aside, thinking that the question was better left to the future, after we had time to reconnect and he had come to fully understand my nature. I had thought these were questions we may one day answer together.
Now, it seemed, the future was already upon us and input from Edward would not be possible. I had hated my existence for so long. The others in my family, however, did not have the same self loathing that consumed me. Emmett and Carlisle rarely exhibited any negativity about our nature. Even Alice, with her unknown origins and horrific entry into vampirism, seemed to accept this life. Rosalie would likely be the strongest voice against turning Edward, yet she herself had chosen to bring Emmett to Carlisle rather than letting him die a human death. Esme, undoubtedly, would want a happy future for me with my mate.
If Edward were turned, would he despise me? Would the fiery conversion annihilate any love he had for me in a blazing conflagration? Would he be willing to accept the possibility of becoming a murderer? Carlisle had proved it was possible to survive solely on animal blood, but others he had sired had slipped at one time or another. Could I turn my beloved boy into a killer, risk the destruction of his soul, for my own selfish gain? How could I possibly answer these questions in the time allotted?
I rose from my knees and began to pack some belongings. I needed to find Tanya to thank her for everything she had done for me and let her know I was leaving. I needed to get to Anchorage.
-o-
I sat on the plane still in shock from my earlier conversation. My mind whirled with the dilemma placed before me. I still had not come to any conclusions about what I would tell Carlisle. He would be calling in just a short while to find out my decision. Through every moment, fear held its tight grip on my heart. Fear we'd be too late. Fear he would be turned. Fear he wouldn't. Would it be destroying him to save him? I didn't know. I simply didn't know.
I thought about Edward, possibly mortally ill, and I railed at myself with anger for staying away for so long. How could I bear it if he were to die before I had the chance to say goodbye? Before I could tell him I loved him. How could I bear never looking into those leafy green eyes again, seeing that pink blush on his magnolia skin? How had I ever stayed away? Every part of me ached to be by his side.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back letting images of my beautiful boy fill my mind. Would he be happy to see me? Could he possibly still love me? Shame filled me when I replayed Alice's words in my head. Edward's father was likely to die and I was worried about myself. Edward was going to need comfort and strength. I would be what he needed; I would support him through his grief. I would not burden him with my hopes, but would accept whatever he was willing to give. I refused to believe he could die.
When Carlisle called again I found I could not answer his question.
"I can't make that decision. I can't," I told him. "Has Alice seen anything else?"
"She sees me talking to Elizabeth."
"And Edward…" I couldn't even ask the question.
"Yes, son. Edward is still alive when we arrive."
The rigid tension in my body immediately eased. "Then we'll wait."
Carlisle sighed. He spoke softly: "She can't see what will happen. You're still quite a few hours behind us. What if…"
I cut him off. "That's not going to happen. He's not going to die before I get there. He won't."
I heard another sigh on the other end.
"Carlisle," I said before he could speak, desperation in my voice. "I can't."
"All right, son. We'll pray for the best."
The next hours were almost unbearable as I traveled to my precious boy. I hadn't heard from Carlisle or Alice again, so I assumed they were unable to communicate from where they were. They should have reached the resort by now. I drove myself half crazy imagining what they would find on arrival.
Was refusing to choose actually giving an answer by default? I knew if it came down to it, Carlisle would make the decision I had been unable to make. And he would choose to turn Edward, to give me my mate for eternity, as he had for himself and for Rosalie. Maybe I was a coward for refusing to decide. I couldn't bear for him to die, yet I couldn't bear to think of him despising me for the rest of our days. Would he still hate me, for abdicating the burden of the decision to someone else, someone whose choice I already knew? Would he wish I had been strong enough to let him die? I shut my eyes in pain, still unable to fully comprehend such a reality.
Finally the plane touched down at the Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo airport. I impatiently waited for the car Carlisle had arranged, grateful for his foresight to keep me out of the hot Mexican sun. Every inch of the road toward Troncones seemed a mile, every minute an hour. After what seemed like an eternity, I pulled up to the resort. Before I was even out of the car, Alice was bounding down the lane. She threw herself in my arms and we hugged each other tightly.
"We lost Elizabeth early this morning," she said, not wasting any time updating me. "Edward is still very ill. Oh Jasper, I've missed you so much."
"Me too," I gave her a tight squeeze before setting her back on her feet. "Please. Take me to him."
She took me by the hand, leading me to the building. Esme was waiting inside. She pulled me into her arms, whispering how much she loved me and how much they had missed me, then led me to Edward's room.
I barely registered Carlisle's presence; my eyes were immediately drawn to Edward. I stopped abruptly inside the doorway, in shock at his appearance. He was asleep, his face pale with an unhealthy flush on his cheeks. His skin was covered with a sheen of sweat and he stirred restlessly, incomprehensible murmurs coming from his lips. The room smelled of sickness and death.
I made my way to his bedside, drawn like a magnet, that irresistible pull still in place after all this time. I reached over to touch his forehead and comb the sweaty locks of hair away from his face. My fingers burned as I touched his fevered skin. Even through the sickness I could see he had changed. He was older now, and had grown from a boy to a man. His face had lost its youthful roundness, and was all sharp angles—prominent cheekbones and square jaw. His body had filled out as well. His shoulders were broader and although slender, he looked muscular and strong. He was still so beautiful.
As I heard the beat of his heart, a wave of emotion swept over me so strongly that I swayed, gripping the edge of the mattress to keep from falling. All my empty spaces, the cold, dark hollow places inside of me were flooded with warmth and life. How had I ever left him? It seemed incomprehensible that I had once walked away from my beloved boy, my only love. My heart. Never would I leave him again.
I was finally home.
I leaned over to place my lips against his forehead, softly kissing his fevered brow. "It's me, Edward. It's Jasper. I'm here." I said softly, although I knew he couldn't hear me. "I'm sorry for leaving you. Please… please forgive me." I knelt on the floor and rested my head on the edge of the bed, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The relief I felt that he was still alive was overwhelming, and the joy of seeing him again, even in this sickness-ravaged condition, was staggering.
After a few moments I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder and his quiet strength comforted me. I stood and was embraced in his loving arms.
"It's so good to see you, son."
"You too, Carlisle." I hadn't realized just how much I had missed my family until now. "Is it influenza? Is he… will he survive?"
"Yes, it's the H1N1 virus. Ed was already gone before we even got to him." I could feel his sorrow, heavy in the air. "At some point he made it outside and collapsed. We think he may have been trying to get to the Jeep to seek help. He became severely dehydrated in the heat and combined with a secondary infection of viral pneumonia, he didn't have a chance. I'm not sure we could have turned it around for him even if we had gotten here sooner."
"And Elizabeth?" I asked. I felt another pang of grief.
"I was able to speak with her before she passed. We can talk about that a little later. Right now, the critical task is to get Edward's fever down. He's on antivirals and I have the IV running to keep him hydrated. But his temperature is still dangerously elevated. His lungs don't sound too bad for now, but he could take a turn for the worse at any time. It's going to be touch and go for the next twenty-four hours."
"Thank you." I was grateful to him for dropping everything to get to Edward, even before they were able to contact me.
"I'm going to leave you alone with Edward for a while. I won't be far. Call for me at any time if you notice the slightest negative change. I'll be right there."
I nodded in acknowledgement, my eyes already returning to my beloved boy.
I put my hand to his forehead again, my worry growing anew at the intense heat. I stroked his cheek and caught my breath when he turned his face into my palm. For a moment I imagined he knew it was me, his body instinctively moving towards mine as mine did to his. Then I realized my cool skin must be giving him relief.
Without examining too closely what I was about to do, I stripped my clothes from my body down to my underwear, carefully removed Edward's damp t-shirt from over his head, and climbed into the bed with him.
I pulled him close to me, gently wrapping him in my arms. Our chests were pressed against each other, and I moved my legs so that they would be in contact with as much of his skin as possible through the fabric of his lounge pants. I rested my cheek against his face and took in a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent I had craved for so long. The beat of his heart pulsed through me and I trembled with emotion, so unbearably grateful to have the opportunity to hold him like this, close to my heart.
My hand gently stroked up and down his back and through the silken hair at the nape of his neck. I wanted to touch every inch of him, soothe his aching body and cool his heated flesh. Never in my existence had I cause to feel grateful for my monstrous nature, but now, as I sought to ease the suffering of my precious boy, I thanked whatever gods that may exist for my icy skin. If it could bring down Edward's fever and help him survive this terrible illness, I would cease to regard it with repulsion and disgust.
As we lay there, Edward's restlessness began to abate and I felt him sigh against my neck, his warm breath a caress across my skin. My eyes fluttered closed in pleasure and I lay there, letting the jumble of emotions I was feeling settle into coherence—grief, worry, joy, relief, and strongest of all, love.
After a few hours, I could feel Edward's breathing change to the rhythm of restful sleep. I softly called Carlisle's name as I slid from the bed, being careful not to disturb my beloved boy, and put my clothes back on. He entered the room just as I finished getting dressed and walked to the bed to check on Edward. I saw his slight smile as he felt Edward's forehead, and he turned to me nodding.
"Good, good. He's still got a fever, but the temperature is down and he's getting some rest. Why don't you take a break? Come take a walk with me and I'll have Esme stay with him for a bit."
After finally being back by Edward's side, I could hardly bear the thought of having him out of my sight.
Esme entered the room as I was deliberating over Carlisle's suggestion. "I know he wants to talk to you, Jasper," Esme said. "I promise we'll come get you immediately if there's any change."
I reluctantly indicated my agreement. My eyes lingered on Edward as we left the room.
We went down to the beach and walked side by side at water's edge.
"I wanted to talk to you about Elizabeth," Carlisle said after a few moments.
I hadn't given myself much time to think about Edward's parents; I had been too consumed with worry for him. Grief filled me as I remembered his mother pulling me into her arms, as if I were her own child. Edward was going to be devastated.
"She told me before she died that she had made a mistake," he continued.
"A mistake?"
"Yes. About you."
I stopped walking and looked at him curiously.
"She told me that you talked with her, before you decided to leave."
I nodded. I had just been thinking about that day, about her warm arms around me, comforting me as I made the choice I thought best to protect Edward.
"She said she should have tried harder to persuade you to stay. That she didn't understand, then."
"Didn't understand what?"
"How much you and Edward loved each other. She thought Edward would eventually get over you; he was so young."
Pain shot through my chest. I had thought the same at the time. We started walking again.
"She begged me to take care of him after she was gone. To look out for him. He has no other family. Both Ed and Elizabeth were only children. He has his godfather, but he and his partner have their own child now and live far away. I told her that of course I would."
I nodded.
"She also asked me to try and bring you home."
I stopped and looked at him again.
"Why?" I asked.
"She said that you and Edward were meant to be together. She didn't realize how deeply his feeling ran, but he was never the same after you left."
Guilt flooded me.
"Elizabeth said that he tried to move on and pretend he was fine, but she knew. She was his mother and she knew. He never stopped loving you. She said whatever it was in your past that was keeping you from Edward, to tell you it didn't matter. That love is all that matters in the end."
Her words reminded me of Tanya. I tried not to let the hope that was rising in my chest get too strong. Edward may still love me, but would he be able to forgive me?
"I'm home for good, Carlisle. I won't leave him again."
He clasped my shoulder. "Good."
We continued walking for a while, enjoying each other's company in silence.
As we were returning to the resort, we saw Alice running down the beach, calling out to us.
"He's getting worse. He's feverish again, and he's calling for you, Jasper."
We traversed the distance to the building in seconds and I ran to his room, my heart in my throat.
Edward had kicked the sheet off and was tossing and turning on the bed while Esme tried to calm him. His face was flushed a deep red again and he was covered in sweat.
"Jasper… don't leave me," he was crying. "Please… don't leave."
My heart was breaking, although I noted that on some level, he must recognize I was here. It was small comfort.
I quickly stripped my clothes again and crawled into bed, cradling him against me.
"Shhh, shhh," I spoke softly in his ear. "I'm here. I love you. I'll never leave you again. I'm here."
His agitated movements calmed as I held him close, and I continued to talk to him, telling him how much I cared for him, how much I had missed him, how beautiful he was to me. How he made me whole again.
Every time I stopped speaking, he would become restless again, so I kept up a constant stream of talk for the next few hours, telling him all about my time in Alaska, about the ice and the taiga and Denali and the view from the Edge of the World. I told him about all the things that had run through my mind and how the thoughts that were always strongest were thoughts of him. When I ran out of things to say, I recited poetry to him, poems we had read together, new ones that made me think of him. And all the while, I held his fevered body close to mine, trying to cool his heated form.
The worry had returned in full force now as his temperature remained elevated, even with the medication and my efforts to cool him. He became restless again, calling out for his mother. I shut my eyes against the grief I felt, knowing the pain he would feel if… when he pulled through.
Carlisle came in to talk to me. "Have you thought any more about what you will do if he continues to worsen?" he asked.
"Of course I've thought about it. I still don't have an answer. How could I do that to him? Yet I cannot lose him. He must live, Carlisle. He must."
"I think you should talk to Esme. Ask her how she felt when she realized what she had become. What I had made her into. She might be able to give you some fresh insights. Go on. I'll stay with Edward."
He could sense my obvious reluctance to leave Edward's side again.
"Go, son. I won't leave him. I promise. I'll call for you if there's any change at all."
I finally did as he asked and retrieved my clothing again. I leaned over to kiss Edward's head one more time before leaving the room. He was so sick.
I found Esme on the covered porch looking out at the ocean.
"Carlisle suggested that I talk to you. About when you were turned," I added.
"Come sit with me," she said, indicating the chair next to her.
Once I was seated she turned and smiled at me. "You know the story of the condition in which Carlisle found me, don't you?"
"I do." Esme had jumped from a cliff after the death of her newborn baby. Her body was broken and bleeding and she was close to death.
"What I rarely talk about is how much I hated Carlisle for turning me."
I took in a surprised breath. That was my most dreaded fear. I couldn't think. What would I do? I stood up and started pacing, my mind racing wildly. He had to get better.
"Wait. Jasper. Listen," Esme said, rising to take my hand and guide me back to my seat.
"I was mad with grief," she continued. "My son… my baby…" I could feel the emotions pouring from her. They were still strong after so many years. She paused to collect herself.
"I wanted nothing more than to join him. To be with him forever. I thought if I could die too, our souls would find each other in the afterlife. Carlisle took that from me. He took me from my beloved child. So, yes, I hated him for a very long time."
"What changed?" I asked. Their love for each other was deep and true. I had felt it many times.
"Time changed things. Over time I began to see what a good and kind man Carlisle was. He loved me; I could tell. And I began to love him. Who could not, after all?" A small smile graced her face, one of devotion and commitment and true happiness. "And eventually, I forgave him. Then more joined our family—my daughters, my sons." She reached over to squeeze my hand. "My heart is full. I could never bear to leave my family now. In time I also grew to realize that I never truly lost my son. He's here," she said, placing her fist against her heart. "In my heart. He always will be."
I understood, to some degree. "But what of the lives you yourself have taken? Did you hate him for that as well?"
"Not in the same way," she answered. I know that is part of our nature, an aspect of who we are. We can choose to live differently, but the instinct can be difficult to overcome. For that, I had to learn how to forgive myself."
Esme turned to face me, taking both my hands in hers. "Edward will forgive you." She leaned over to kiss my forehead then stood up. "I'll be inside," she said, leaving me to my thoughts.
I walked down to water's edge and stared out over the ocean. Here I was, back in Mexico, facing another life changing choice. I never expected to return here, the home of my earliest dark nights. I wondered where Maria was now. Undoubtedly masking her activities in the drug trade; it's what I would do. I shuddered at how easily I slipped back into a military mindset.
No, that was my past. Those dark times were over. That life of violence and hatred and territorial disputes was no longer my future. I had a family. I had love. And God willing, I would have Edward. He would survive this illness and we would make the decision about the remainder of our days together.
I was already becoming anxious again, being away from him for so long. I knew my musing could be nothing but wishful thinking, but the possible reality was too painful to contemplate.
Carlisle looked up as I entered and I studied his face closely trying to get a read on his mood.
"There's been no change?"
"No, none."
"I'm going to lie with him again. It seemed to help," I said with a question in my voice.
"It did," Carlisle answered with a smile. "I'll be down the hall with Esme. Call me if you need me."
"Thank you Carlisle."
I stripped once more and took my beautiful boy back into my arms, back where he belonged. I spoke to him again, telling him all my fears, my secret longings, the reasons I had run and the reasons I returned. I told him all about my nature, the pain it had caused me, the monstrous self-loathing it had engendered. I promised I would never hide anything from him again. When his restlessness increased and his body burned like a raging fire, I begged him to live. I begged him to give me another chance. I begged him to stay with me and let me love him for the rest of my days. I stroked his heated flesh with my cool fingers, wrapped my icy form around him and prayed he would make it through the night.
After several nerve-wracking hours, I thought I detected a drop in his temperature. I called for Carlisle, unable to trust my own senses. He felt Edward's skin and agreed.
"If it continues to fall, he may yet turn the corner," he said, and I closed my eyes against the surge of hope that rocketed through me.
As the night progressed I felt his skin growing cooler. His fitful tossing and turning settled into more restful sleep. I could feel his pain subsiding. I pressed my lips one more time against his temple, closing my eyes tightly as I whispered words of gratitude to the universe, then I rose from his bed to re-dress. When he woke up, I didn't want him to find me lying naked in his bed.
When he woke up… just the thought filled me with relief and joy. I stood by his bedside, gently brushing his hair away from his forehead, reveling in the warmth that was his human skin, rather than a raging fever. As I smiled down at my beautiful boy I heard the change in breathing that signaled he was about to awaken and I was suddenly nervous.
His eyelids fluttered open, revealing his leafy green eyes. After a moment of confusion they settled on my face.
"Jasper?" he whispered, and I felt the surprise, love and happiness radiating from him. I would have wept were I able.
"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?"
"Where am I?" he asked looking around the room. "What are you doing in Mexico?" he asked next as he comprehended his surroundings. The love was still there, but now I felt uncertainty, and hurt. And an underlying anger. I was saddened by the protective defenses I could feel going up. It was to be expected, of course. I hoped to earn back his trust, but for now, more serious matters needed to be addressed.
"Your family became ill. Carlisle flew down to treat you." As I began the explanation, Carlisle entered the room.
"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper." I nodded in acknowledgement. Edward's feelings toward me were chaotic and unsettled. He didn't need the distraction when he heard the news of his parents.
"We'll talk later," I said to Edward before adding, "I'm home for good."
I saw something flash in his eyes, but I couldn't make out its meaning. I could feel his eyes on me as I exited the room.
I hadn't gone far before I felt the crippling grief coming from his room. The urge to run right back to comfort him was strong, but I knew now wasn't the time. I felt my knees buckling under the weight of his agony and I leaned against the wall for support. Esme rushed past me to Edward's room while Alice hurried to my side. I let her pull me to a seat and I leaned against her as she wrapped her arms around me.
The following morning I knocked on Edward's door and asked if I could come in. Carlisle had suggested that I give Edward a little time before speaking with him again. I had agreed, but it hadn't stopped me from entering his room while he slept, listening to the reassuring beat of his heart, and studying the features of the face I loved. I had missed him so much.
"I'm sorry about your parents," I told him as I took a seat next to his bed. He would be recovering for many days yet.
He nodded then turned his head away from me, facing the wall.
I shut my eyes, discouraged, but decided to plow ahead anyway. He had enough to deal with right now. I didn't want him questioning why I was here or whether I would be leaving again.
"I know this isn't the best time," I began. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."
His face was still turned away from me, but I could hear his heart racing.
"I never stopped loving you, Edward. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."
I had hoped for some sort of response, but he still wouldn't look at me. I could feel his many conflicting emotions.
"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."
I waited a few more minutes, but when he showed no sign of speaking, I stood up, my heart heavy.
"Well," I said hesitantly. "I'll let you get your rest." I waited for a moment then turned for the door. I heard the bed creak and he was gripping my wrist, stopping me.
"No, wait. Stay," he said.
Hope once again swelled in my chest and I gave him a grateful smile as I sat back down.
"Always."
Chapter 20 | Masterpost | Poetry
Chapter 18 | Masterpost
sand, time, the tree of rain"
- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet VIII," l. 10-11
Chapter 19 – Everything That Is
JPOV
I was reeling as I listened to Alice on the telephone. This could not be happening. I was brought back to that terrible night in Port Angeles when I answered the phone, expecting to hear Alice reminding me to buy cannoli for Bella, only to find out that Edward's life was hanging in the balance.
As she was describing her vision to me, I felt fear slowly stealing over me, like a paralyzing poison inside my veins. My mind could not comprehend. It simply wasn't possible that I could lose Edward before I even had the chance to see him again, before I could let him know how much I still loved him. How I had never stopped loving him.
"Jasper! I need you to listen to me," Alice was saying on the phone.
"I'm listening. Where are you now?" I asked.
"We're on the plane. We left Phoenix a few hours ago after our layover. I've been trying to reach you. The flight is another couple hours and maybe another forty-five minutes after we get the car. You need to head to Anchorage. There's a 9:30PM flight to Seattle that gets in at 1:55AM. We'll arrange a private charter to save you a few hours. Otherwise, you'd have to wait until 5:15AM to leave."
At her words, the fear clawed at my insides and I dropped to my knees. "A few hours?" I asked in a shaky voice. "Is it that serious a few hours could make a difference?" This could not be real.
"I don't know. I don't know!" The tone in her voice was rattling me. "I can't see what's going to happen. I'm… pretty sure we're going to be too late to save Ed, but I can't see what's going to happen with Elizabeth or with Edward. They're very sick, though. Very sick. I can't see. I just don't know!"
"What's wrong with them? Alice? Tell me!" I was panicking.
Carlisle's voice came over the phone. "Jasper? Son?" I felt a slight lessening of my panic hearing his calm steady voice.
"I'm here."
"We don't know why they're sick. Alice can't see that, but I suspect it's the H1N1 influenza virus. There's an outbreak in Mexico from a new strain that's quickly reaching epidemic proportions. The CDC has been following it. There have been quite a few fatalities, especially with the development of a secondary infection. They're afraid it might become a pandemic before too long."
"Influenza?" I asked, shaken. People today worried less about such illnesses, especially with the wide availability of flu shots, but in my time as a human, I had seen many die from such a thing. Carlisle could sense my distress.
"He's a healthy young man, Jasper. I'm bringing what medical supplies I can, including antivirals. I promise you I'll do everything I can for them."
He paused before continuing. "I need to ask you something. I'm praying for the best. We'll know in a few short hours what we're dealing with, but in the event that he is seriously ill… that he's too far gone to treat… would you want me to turn him?"
My reaction was immediate and from the gut, "NO!" I cried out in anguish. He couldn't die. He couldn't.
"Son, please just think about it. I pray it won't come to that, but I want to at least be prepared for the possibility. Alice is almost certain we're going to lose Ed. I love you, son. And we've missed you. I know how difficult it's been for you, to be parted from your mate for so long. Can you accept that future? A future without Edward?"
"Carlisle," I could barely speak I was so overcome with emotions. "How could I ever condemn him to such an existence?" And yet… I wanted it. I shouldn't, but God help me, I did.
"I understand what you're feeling. I've told you how I struggled when Esme was brought to me, broken and bleeding. You know the decision I ultimately made. I want you to think about it for the next few hours. I don't know what kind of communication will be available once we land. In the event that we can't reach you once we're at the resort, I would want to know your wishes ahead of time."
"I'll think about it," I whispered.
"Good. I love you, son. We'll call you again in a few hours. If Alice sees anything new, we'll call before then. You won't be that far behind us. I love you."
"I love you too," I said before hanging up the phone.
How could the whole world be turned upside down in the space of minutes? I had barely had time to enjoy the return of hope before the threat of eternal darkness once again loomed. How could I not think of my existence as anything but cursed?
And now I was being asked to bare my secret shame. To raise it into the light, unveiled. Exposed. I was being encouraged to indulge in its reality, give legitimacy to my most loathsome desires. Carlisle would turn him for me, if I asked. I fought to tamp down the monstrous joy that threatened to overwhelm me.
I couldn't ask that, could I? I leaned my elbows on my knees, gripping my hair in fists.
When I had decided to return to Edward, I had not wanted to waste another minute without him. I had refused to think about the finite span of his short human life. I concentrated on what we would have together, if he would but let me back in, rather than what we would not. I knew, though, that I would again lose him one day, unless he were changed. I had pushed the thoughts aside, thinking that the question was better left to the future, after we had time to reconnect and he had come to fully understand my nature. I had thought these were questions we may one day answer together.
Now, it seemed, the future was already upon us and input from Edward would not be possible. I had hated my existence for so long. The others in my family, however, did not have the same self loathing that consumed me. Emmett and Carlisle rarely exhibited any negativity about our nature. Even Alice, with her unknown origins and horrific entry into vampirism, seemed to accept this life. Rosalie would likely be the strongest voice against turning Edward, yet she herself had chosen to bring Emmett to Carlisle rather than letting him die a human death. Esme, undoubtedly, would want a happy future for me with my mate.
If Edward were turned, would he despise me? Would the fiery conversion annihilate any love he had for me in a blazing conflagration? Would he be willing to accept the possibility of becoming a murderer? Carlisle had proved it was possible to survive solely on animal blood, but others he had sired had slipped at one time or another. Could I turn my beloved boy into a killer, risk the destruction of his soul, for my own selfish gain? How could I possibly answer these questions in the time allotted?
I rose from my knees and began to pack some belongings. I needed to find Tanya to thank her for everything she had done for me and let her know I was leaving. I needed to get to Anchorage.
I sat on the plane still in shock from my earlier conversation. My mind whirled with the dilemma placed before me. I still had not come to any conclusions about what I would tell Carlisle. He would be calling in just a short while to find out my decision. Through every moment, fear held its tight grip on my heart. Fear we'd be too late. Fear he would be turned. Fear he wouldn't. Would it be destroying him to save him? I didn't know. I simply didn't know.
I thought about Edward, possibly mortally ill, and I railed at myself with anger for staying away for so long. How could I bear it if he were to die before I had the chance to say goodbye? Before I could tell him I loved him. How could I bear never looking into those leafy green eyes again, seeing that pink blush on his magnolia skin? How had I ever stayed away? Every part of me ached to be by his side.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back letting images of my beautiful boy fill my mind. Would he be happy to see me? Could he possibly still love me? Shame filled me when I replayed Alice's words in my head. Edward's father was likely to die and I was worried about myself. Edward was going to need comfort and strength. I would be what he needed; I would support him through his grief. I would not burden him with my hopes, but would accept whatever he was willing to give. I refused to believe he could die.
When Carlisle called again I found I could not answer his question.
"I can't make that decision. I can't," I told him. "Has Alice seen anything else?"
"She sees me talking to Elizabeth."
"And Edward…" I couldn't even ask the question.
"Yes, son. Edward is still alive when we arrive."
The rigid tension in my body immediately eased. "Then we'll wait."
Carlisle sighed. He spoke softly: "She can't see what will happen. You're still quite a few hours behind us. What if…"
I cut him off. "That's not going to happen. He's not going to die before I get there. He won't."
I heard another sigh on the other end.
"Carlisle," I said before he could speak, desperation in my voice. "I can't."
"All right, son. We'll pray for the best."
The next hours were almost unbearable as I traveled to my precious boy. I hadn't heard from Carlisle or Alice again, so I assumed they were unable to communicate from where they were. They should have reached the resort by now. I drove myself half crazy imagining what they would find on arrival.
Was refusing to choose actually giving an answer by default? I knew if it came down to it, Carlisle would make the decision I had been unable to make. And he would choose to turn Edward, to give me my mate for eternity, as he had for himself and for Rosalie. Maybe I was a coward for refusing to decide. I couldn't bear for him to die, yet I couldn't bear to think of him despising me for the rest of our days. Would he still hate me, for abdicating the burden of the decision to someone else, someone whose choice I already knew? Would he wish I had been strong enough to let him die? I shut my eyes in pain, still unable to fully comprehend such a reality.
Finally the plane touched down at the Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo airport. I impatiently waited for the car Carlisle had arranged, grateful for his foresight to keep me out of the hot Mexican sun. Every inch of the road toward Troncones seemed a mile, every minute an hour. After what seemed like an eternity, I pulled up to the resort. Before I was even out of the car, Alice was bounding down the lane. She threw herself in my arms and we hugged each other tightly.
"We lost Elizabeth early this morning," she said, not wasting any time updating me. "Edward is still very ill. Oh Jasper, I've missed you so much."
"Me too," I gave her a tight squeeze before setting her back on her feet. "Please. Take me to him."
She took me by the hand, leading me to the building. Esme was waiting inside. She pulled me into her arms, whispering how much she loved me and how much they had missed me, then led me to Edward's room.
I barely registered Carlisle's presence; my eyes were immediately drawn to Edward. I stopped abruptly inside the doorway, in shock at his appearance. He was asleep, his face pale with an unhealthy flush on his cheeks. His skin was covered with a sheen of sweat and he stirred restlessly, incomprehensible murmurs coming from his lips. The room smelled of sickness and death.
I made my way to his bedside, drawn like a magnet, that irresistible pull still in place after all this time. I reached over to touch his forehead and comb the sweaty locks of hair away from his face. My fingers burned as I touched his fevered skin. Even through the sickness I could see he had changed. He was older now, and had grown from a boy to a man. His face had lost its youthful roundness, and was all sharp angles—prominent cheekbones and square jaw. His body had filled out as well. His shoulders were broader and although slender, he looked muscular and strong. He was still so beautiful.
As I heard the beat of his heart, a wave of emotion swept over me so strongly that I swayed, gripping the edge of the mattress to keep from falling. All my empty spaces, the cold, dark hollow places inside of me were flooded with warmth and life. How had I ever left him? It seemed incomprehensible that I had once walked away from my beloved boy, my only love. My heart. Never would I leave him again.
I was finally home.
I leaned over to place my lips against his forehead, softly kissing his fevered brow. "It's me, Edward. It's Jasper. I'm here." I said softly, although I knew he couldn't hear me. "I'm sorry for leaving you. Please… please forgive me." I knelt on the floor and rested my head on the edge of the bed, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The relief I felt that he was still alive was overwhelming, and the joy of seeing him again, even in this sickness-ravaged condition, was staggering.
After a few moments I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder and his quiet strength comforted me. I stood and was embraced in his loving arms.
"It's so good to see you, son."
"You too, Carlisle." I hadn't realized just how much I had missed my family until now. "Is it influenza? Is he… will he survive?"
"Yes, it's the H1N1 virus. Ed was already gone before we even got to him." I could feel his sorrow, heavy in the air. "At some point he made it outside and collapsed. We think he may have been trying to get to the Jeep to seek help. He became severely dehydrated in the heat and combined with a secondary infection of viral pneumonia, he didn't have a chance. I'm not sure we could have turned it around for him even if we had gotten here sooner."
"And Elizabeth?" I asked. I felt another pang of grief.
"I was able to speak with her before she passed. We can talk about that a little later. Right now, the critical task is to get Edward's fever down. He's on antivirals and I have the IV running to keep him hydrated. But his temperature is still dangerously elevated. His lungs don't sound too bad for now, but he could take a turn for the worse at any time. It's going to be touch and go for the next twenty-four hours."
"Thank you." I was grateful to him for dropping everything to get to Edward, even before they were able to contact me.
"I'm going to leave you alone with Edward for a while. I won't be far. Call for me at any time if you notice the slightest negative change. I'll be right there."
I nodded in acknowledgement, my eyes already returning to my beloved boy.
I put my hand to his forehead again, my worry growing anew at the intense heat. I stroked his cheek and caught my breath when he turned his face into my palm. For a moment I imagined he knew it was me, his body instinctively moving towards mine as mine did to his. Then I realized my cool skin must be giving him relief.
Without examining too closely what I was about to do, I stripped my clothes from my body down to my underwear, carefully removed Edward's damp t-shirt from over his head, and climbed into the bed with him.
I pulled him close to me, gently wrapping him in my arms. Our chests were pressed against each other, and I moved my legs so that they would be in contact with as much of his skin as possible through the fabric of his lounge pants. I rested my cheek against his face and took in a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent I had craved for so long. The beat of his heart pulsed through me and I trembled with emotion, so unbearably grateful to have the opportunity to hold him like this, close to my heart.
My hand gently stroked up and down his back and through the silken hair at the nape of his neck. I wanted to touch every inch of him, soothe his aching body and cool his heated flesh. Never in my existence had I cause to feel grateful for my monstrous nature, but now, as I sought to ease the suffering of my precious boy, I thanked whatever gods that may exist for my icy skin. If it could bring down Edward's fever and help him survive this terrible illness, I would cease to regard it with repulsion and disgust.
As we lay there, Edward's restlessness began to abate and I felt him sigh against my neck, his warm breath a caress across my skin. My eyes fluttered closed in pleasure and I lay there, letting the jumble of emotions I was feeling settle into coherence—grief, worry, joy, relief, and strongest of all, love.
After a few hours, I could feel Edward's breathing change to the rhythm of restful sleep. I softly called Carlisle's name as I slid from the bed, being careful not to disturb my beloved boy, and put my clothes back on. He entered the room just as I finished getting dressed and walked to the bed to check on Edward. I saw his slight smile as he felt Edward's forehead, and he turned to me nodding.
"Good, good. He's still got a fever, but the temperature is down and he's getting some rest. Why don't you take a break? Come take a walk with me and I'll have Esme stay with him for a bit."
After finally being back by Edward's side, I could hardly bear the thought of having him out of my sight.
Esme entered the room as I was deliberating over Carlisle's suggestion. "I know he wants to talk to you, Jasper," Esme said. "I promise we'll come get you immediately if there's any change."
I reluctantly indicated my agreement. My eyes lingered on Edward as we left the room.
We went down to the beach and walked side by side at water's edge.
"I wanted to talk to you about Elizabeth," Carlisle said after a few moments.
I hadn't given myself much time to think about Edward's parents; I had been too consumed with worry for him. Grief filled me as I remembered his mother pulling me into her arms, as if I were her own child. Edward was going to be devastated.
"She told me before she died that she had made a mistake," he continued.
"A mistake?"
"Yes. About you."
I stopped walking and looked at him curiously.
"She told me that you talked with her, before you decided to leave."
I nodded. I had just been thinking about that day, about her warm arms around me, comforting me as I made the choice I thought best to protect Edward.
"She said she should have tried harder to persuade you to stay. That she didn't understand, then."
"Didn't understand what?"
"How much you and Edward loved each other. She thought Edward would eventually get over you; he was so young."
Pain shot through my chest. I had thought the same at the time. We started walking again.
"She begged me to take care of him after she was gone. To look out for him. He has no other family. Both Ed and Elizabeth were only children. He has his godfather, but he and his partner have their own child now and live far away. I told her that of course I would."
I nodded.
"She also asked me to try and bring you home."
I stopped and looked at him again.
"Why?" I asked.
"She said that you and Edward were meant to be together. She didn't realize how deeply his feeling ran, but he was never the same after you left."
Guilt flooded me.
"Elizabeth said that he tried to move on and pretend he was fine, but she knew. She was his mother and she knew. He never stopped loving you. She said whatever it was in your past that was keeping you from Edward, to tell you it didn't matter. That love is all that matters in the end."
Her words reminded me of Tanya. I tried not to let the hope that was rising in my chest get too strong. Edward may still love me, but would he be able to forgive me?
"I'm home for good, Carlisle. I won't leave him again."
He clasped my shoulder. "Good."
We continued walking for a while, enjoying each other's company in silence.
As we were returning to the resort, we saw Alice running down the beach, calling out to us.
"He's getting worse. He's feverish again, and he's calling for you, Jasper."
We traversed the distance to the building in seconds and I ran to his room, my heart in my throat.
Edward had kicked the sheet off and was tossing and turning on the bed while Esme tried to calm him. His face was flushed a deep red again and he was covered in sweat.
"Jasper… don't leave me," he was crying. "Please… don't leave."
My heart was breaking, although I noted that on some level, he must recognize I was here. It was small comfort.
I quickly stripped my clothes again and crawled into bed, cradling him against me.
"Shhh, shhh," I spoke softly in his ear. "I'm here. I love you. I'll never leave you again. I'm here."
His agitated movements calmed as I held him close, and I continued to talk to him, telling him how much I cared for him, how much I had missed him, how beautiful he was to me. How he made me whole again.
Every time I stopped speaking, he would become restless again, so I kept up a constant stream of talk for the next few hours, telling him all about my time in Alaska, about the ice and the taiga and Denali and the view from the Edge of the World. I told him about all the things that had run through my mind and how the thoughts that were always strongest were thoughts of him. When I ran out of things to say, I recited poetry to him, poems we had read together, new ones that made me think of him. And all the while, I held his fevered body close to mine, trying to cool his heated form.
The worry had returned in full force now as his temperature remained elevated, even with the medication and my efforts to cool him. He became restless again, calling out for his mother. I shut my eyes against the grief I felt, knowing the pain he would feel if… when he pulled through.
Carlisle came in to talk to me. "Have you thought any more about what you will do if he continues to worsen?" he asked.
"Of course I've thought about it. I still don't have an answer. How could I do that to him? Yet I cannot lose him. He must live, Carlisle. He must."
"I think you should talk to Esme. Ask her how she felt when she realized what she had become. What I had made her into. She might be able to give you some fresh insights. Go on. I'll stay with Edward."
He could sense my obvious reluctance to leave Edward's side again.
"Go, son. I won't leave him. I promise. I'll call for you if there's any change at all."
I finally did as he asked and retrieved my clothing again. I leaned over to kiss Edward's head one more time before leaving the room. He was so sick.
I found Esme on the covered porch looking out at the ocean.
"Carlisle suggested that I talk to you. About when you were turned," I added.
"Come sit with me," she said, indicating the chair next to her.
Once I was seated she turned and smiled at me. "You know the story of the condition in which Carlisle found me, don't you?"
"I do." Esme had jumped from a cliff after the death of her newborn baby. Her body was broken and bleeding and she was close to death.
"What I rarely talk about is how much I hated Carlisle for turning me."
I took in a surprised breath. That was my most dreaded fear. I couldn't think. What would I do? I stood up and started pacing, my mind racing wildly. He had to get better.
"Wait. Jasper. Listen," Esme said, rising to take my hand and guide me back to my seat.
"I was mad with grief," she continued. "My son… my baby…" I could feel the emotions pouring from her. They were still strong after so many years. She paused to collect herself.
"I wanted nothing more than to join him. To be with him forever. I thought if I could die too, our souls would find each other in the afterlife. Carlisle took that from me. He took me from my beloved child. So, yes, I hated him for a very long time."
"What changed?" I asked. Their love for each other was deep and true. I had felt it many times.
"Time changed things. Over time I began to see what a good and kind man Carlisle was. He loved me; I could tell. And I began to love him. Who could not, after all?" A small smile graced her face, one of devotion and commitment and true happiness. "And eventually, I forgave him. Then more joined our family—my daughters, my sons." She reached over to squeeze my hand. "My heart is full. I could never bear to leave my family now. In time I also grew to realize that I never truly lost my son. He's here," she said, placing her fist against her heart. "In my heart. He always will be."
I understood, to some degree. "But what of the lives you yourself have taken? Did you hate him for that as well?"
"Not in the same way," she answered. I know that is part of our nature, an aspect of who we are. We can choose to live differently, but the instinct can be difficult to overcome. For that, I had to learn how to forgive myself."
Esme turned to face me, taking both my hands in hers. "Edward will forgive you." She leaned over to kiss my forehead then stood up. "I'll be inside," she said, leaving me to my thoughts.
I walked down to water's edge and stared out over the ocean. Here I was, back in Mexico, facing another life changing choice. I never expected to return here, the home of my earliest dark nights. I wondered where Maria was now. Undoubtedly masking her activities in the drug trade; it's what I would do. I shuddered at how easily I slipped back into a military mindset.
No, that was my past. Those dark times were over. That life of violence and hatred and territorial disputes was no longer my future. I had a family. I had love. And God willing, I would have Edward. He would survive this illness and we would make the decision about the remainder of our days together.
I was already becoming anxious again, being away from him for so long. I knew my musing could be nothing but wishful thinking, but the possible reality was too painful to contemplate.
Carlisle looked up as I entered and I studied his face closely trying to get a read on his mood.
"There's been no change?"
"No, none."
"I'm going to lie with him again. It seemed to help," I said with a question in my voice.
"It did," Carlisle answered with a smile. "I'll be down the hall with Esme. Call me if you need me."
"Thank you Carlisle."
I stripped once more and took my beautiful boy back into my arms, back where he belonged. I spoke to him again, telling him all my fears, my secret longings, the reasons I had run and the reasons I returned. I told him all about my nature, the pain it had caused me, the monstrous self-loathing it had engendered. I promised I would never hide anything from him again. When his restlessness increased and his body burned like a raging fire, I begged him to live. I begged him to give me another chance. I begged him to stay with me and let me love him for the rest of my days. I stroked his heated flesh with my cool fingers, wrapped my icy form around him and prayed he would make it through the night.
After several nerve-wracking hours, I thought I detected a drop in his temperature. I called for Carlisle, unable to trust my own senses. He felt Edward's skin and agreed.
"If it continues to fall, he may yet turn the corner," he said, and I closed my eyes against the surge of hope that rocketed through me.
As the night progressed I felt his skin growing cooler. His fitful tossing and turning settled into more restful sleep. I could feel his pain subsiding. I pressed my lips one more time against his temple, closing my eyes tightly as I whispered words of gratitude to the universe, then I rose from his bed to re-dress. When he woke up, I didn't want him to find me lying naked in his bed.
When he woke up… just the thought filled me with relief and joy. I stood by his bedside, gently brushing his hair away from his forehead, reveling in the warmth that was his human skin, rather than a raging fever. As I smiled down at my beautiful boy I heard the change in breathing that signaled he was about to awaken and I was suddenly nervous.
His eyelids fluttered open, revealing his leafy green eyes. After a moment of confusion they settled on my face.
"Jasper?" he whispered, and I felt the surprise, love and happiness radiating from him. I would have wept were I able.
"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?"
"Where am I?" he asked looking around the room. "What are you doing in Mexico?" he asked next as he comprehended his surroundings. The love was still there, but now I felt uncertainty, and hurt. And an underlying anger. I was saddened by the protective defenses I could feel going up. It was to be expected, of course. I hoped to earn back his trust, but for now, more serious matters needed to be addressed.
"Your family became ill. Carlisle flew down to treat you." As I began the explanation, Carlisle entered the room.
"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper." I nodded in acknowledgement. Edward's feelings toward me were chaotic and unsettled. He didn't need the distraction when he heard the news of his parents.
"We'll talk later," I said to Edward before adding, "I'm home for good."
I saw something flash in his eyes, but I couldn't make out its meaning. I could feel his eyes on me as I exited the room.
I hadn't gone far before I felt the crippling grief coming from his room. The urge to run right back to comfort him was strong, but I knew now wasn't the time. I felt my knees buckling under the weight of his agony and I leaned against the wall for support. Esme rushed past me to Edward's room while Alice hurried to my side. I let her pull me to a seat and I leaned against her as she wrapped her arms around me.
The following morning I knocked on Edward's door and asked if I could come in. Carlisle had suggested that I give Edward a little time before speaking with him again. I had agreed, but it hadn't stopped me from entering his room while he slept, listening to the reassuring beat of his heart, and studying the features of the face I loved. I had missed him so much.
"I'm sorry about your parents," I told him as I took a seat next to his bed. He would be recovering for many days yet.
He nodded then turned his head away from me, facing the wall.
I shut my eyes, discouraged, but decided to plow ahead anyway. He had enough to deal with right now. I didn't want him questioning why I was here or whether I would be leaving again.
"I know this isn't the best time," I began. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."
His face was still turned away from me, but I could hear his heart racing.
"I never stopped loving you, Edward. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."
I had hoped for some sort of response, but he still wouldn't look at me. I could feel his many conflicting emotions.
"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."
I waited a few more minutes, but when he showed no sign of speaking, I stood up, my heart heavy.
"Well," I said hesitantly. "I'll let you get your rest." I waited for a moment then turned for the door. I heard the bed creak and he was gripping my wrist, stopping me.
"No, wait. Stay," he said.
Hope once again swelled in my chest and I gave him a grateful smile as I sat back down.
"Always."
Chapter 20 | Masterpost | Poetry
Tags:
