Fic - I Wept Not [20/24]
Jan. 30th, 2012 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arcadianmaggieSummary: Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for? AU, slash.
Chapter 19 | Masterpost
"if there are any heavens my mother will (all by herself) have
one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
it will be a heaven of blackred roses"
- e.e. cummings, "XLIII," l. 1-4
Chapter 20 – A Heaven of Blackred Roses
EPOV
I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams Jasper was holding me again, touching me, kissing me, telling me how much he loved me, what a mistake he had made leaving me. It was everything I had always dreamed of him saying. I could feel his love, cocooning me in a warm embrace. It felt so real that I couldn't bear for it to end. I fought against my growing consciousness as I drifted half asleep, half awake, doing my best to stay in my dreams, to stay with Jasper. Soon, though, I could sense the daylight behind my eyelids and reluctantly opened my eyes.
Where was I? This wasn't my room. As I took in my unfamiliar surroundings, my eyes rested on the face I had dreamed about for so long. He was here. My heart lurched with joy, my love for him surging through me like an electric shock.
"Jasper?" I tried to say, but it only came out as a whisper.
"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?" he answered, the sound of his voice so beautiful after far too long. God, I had missed him. Seeing him here and the feelings that were running through me only reminded me of just how much I had ached for him while he had been gone. Was this real or was I still dreaming?
I didn't want to tear my eyes away from his face for even a second, but I was so confused. I looked around the room.
"Where am I?" I asked. As I took in the bright tile floor and colorful wall hangings I recognized the resort we had been staying at. But I wasn't on the pullout; I was in a bed. I grew even more confused. What was Jasper doing here? I was overjoyed to see him again, especially as I had started to accept he was out of my life forever, but what did it mean? I didn't understand.
"What are you doing in Mexico?" I asked. How did he even find me? Suddenly all the hurt and anger I had tucked away came rushing to the surface, the feelings just as fresh as they had been the day he left. How could he have walked out on me like that? And did he think he could just show up after all this time, like nothing had ever happened?
"Your family became ill," he said. My confusion began to clear up as I remembered my parents coming down with a bug, and then me starting to feel poorly and going to lie down for a nap. And after that… after that I only had vague impressions of burning with fever, being cared for, reassuring voices in my ear, cool compresses on my skin. I wondered how long we had been sick. "Carlisle flew down to treat you," he continued, and as he spoke, Dr. Cullen himself entered the room.
An uneasy feeling was growing in my chest. If I had been that sick, why wasn't my mom at my bedside? Why was Jasper here instead?
"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper," Dr. Cullen said.
Jasper nodded then turned to me saying, "We'll talk later." He added, "I'm home for good," and my heart did that funny lurch thing again, filling with a hope I had never expected, while at the same time, afraid to hope. A feeling of déjà vu came over me as I watched him leave the room. I felt a pang of dismay, remembering the last time he had walked away from me, a situation much the same as this, me lying in a bed recovering.
I kept my thoughts on Jasper and what his presence here could mean, the dread growing within me. If I could focus on something else, I wouldn't have to wonder where my parents were, or why Dr. Cullen was here in Mexico.
"Edward," he began, and I shut my eyes against what I knew was coming. I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, son. Your parents didn't make it. The H1N1 influenza virus has become an epidemic in Mexico and all three of you contracted it. Coupled with pneumonia and dehydration, there was nothing I could do for Ed and Elizabeth by the time we got here. Since you were the last to fall ill, the antivirals were able to help at least to some extent in your case."
I was hearing him speak, understanding the words coming out of his mouth, but at the same time not comprehending what he was saying. It couldn't be true. Any minute my mother was going to walk through the door to check on me. She was going to hug me and ruffle my hair and tell me how worried they had been. She was going to bring me some cold ginger ale and put on my favorite DVDs and wait on me and pamper me silly, and I'd act all embarrassed at her babying me, while secretly loving it.
I stared at the door during the heavy silence that followed Dr. Cullen's words, but no one walked through.
"I'm so sorry, Edward," he repeated.
Crushing grief crashed down over me, like a suffocating weight on my chest. I turned away from him and curled into a ball on the bed, deep sobs tearing through me. Dead. My parents were dead. Both of them. Gone forever. I wanted so hard for this to be a bad dream, but I could feel the truth of things in my gut. That old black hole opened back up inside me, but this time it was a hundred times worse. There was nothing but pain and sadness, holding me in its terrible grip.
I felt cool fingers in my hair and the dip of the mattress beside me as someone climbed onto the bed with me. Soft comforting words filled my ears, a motherly voice of sympathy, but the voice was wrong, and no words could help, and the arms holding me weren't the arms I wanted around me. I would never feel those arms around me again.
I don't know how long I cried. I was numb inside. Esme continued to sit with me and offer comfort. For a long time, I didn't even register the words she was speaking, but eventually, they began to seep into my consciousness. She murmured that she and Dr. Cullen had promised my mother they would look out for me; I would always have a home with them. She, for a long time now, already thought of me as a son. She understood my pain, the pain of losing someone you loved with all your heart. She knew how much I was hurting and I wasn't alone. I wouldn't be alone. She was here for me, and Carlisle was, and their entire family. I wouldn't have to go through this alone.
Exhaustion finally took over and I succumbed to sleep, overwhelmed by this new reality.
When I woke up my eyes were all puffy and scratchy from the crying I had done last night. I felt myself tearing up again as I thought about my mom and dad. I wanted nothing more than for my mother to come hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right. Only one of a myriad of things that was never going to happen again.
I heard the door open and Dr. Cullen entered the room.
"Hey there. I just wanted to check and see how you're doing." He walked over to the bed and placed his hand against my forehead. His cold fingers made me flinch.
"Not too bad, but you're running a fever again." He shook some pills out of the bottles on the bedside table and handed them to me along with a bottle of water. "Here, take these."
I unscrewed the cap from the water and swallowed the pills, grateful for any task that would distract me from thoughts of my parents.
"You're over the worst of it, but it's going to take some time for you to recover. I want you to try and get some more rest, okay?" he asked.
I nodded. I felt drained, my body battered and sore. The emotional stress of the day had taken its toll.
"Do you want someone to stay with you, or would you rather be alone?"
"Do you…" I swallowed and paused, trying to regain my composure. I tried again. "Do you think Esme would mind sitting with me?" I asked. Thoughts of having Jasper comfort me had fleetingly crossed my mind, but there was too much unsettled between us right now.
"I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all," he said with a kind smile. "I'll go get her. Goodnight, Edward."
"Night."
A moment later Esme entered the room. I gave her a small smile and she returned it. We didn't speak as she moved to sit on the edge of my bed next to me. I shut my eyes as I felt her fingers gently running through my hair. She started humming softly, a soothing melody. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend the fingers in my hair were the ones I remembered. Tears escaped from my closed lids and slid down my face as I eventually drifted back to sleep.
Dr. Cullen came to check on me in the morning and seemed pleased with my progress.
"I want you to stay in bed for today," he said. "Maybe tomorrow you can take a short walk and sit out on the porch. How does that sound?"
"That sounds fine." I didn't feel much like doing anything anyway.
"Are you up to any visitors today?" he asked, and I knew he meant Jasper.
Why did he have to come back now, when things were so fucked up? I wasn't sure I could deal with all the emotions surrounding his return on top of what I was going through with losing my parents. I fought back the tears that threatened again.
At the same time, as soon as thoughts of Jasper being right here in Mexico—in the same building—came into my mind, my stomach jumped with anticipation.
"Yeah, I'm up for it."
I ate a little of the food Esme brought then dozed off and on for a bit. Even though I was still exhausted, I had a hard time falling back asleep. I was too nervous about seeing Jasper again.
Finally, I heard a knock on the door and Jasper's voice asking if he could enter.
I drank him in as he walked toward the bed. He looked exactly the same—soft tawny curls, golden eyes, broad shoulders. His movements were graceful as he sat down in the chair at my bedside. Fucking beautiful. I couldn't tear my eyes away.
"I'm sorry about your parents," he said to me and his expression was so sorrowful and compassionate that I was only able to nod before closing my eyes and turning my head away, lest I throw myself in his arms and beg him for comfort.
I could almost feel his disappointment in my response, but I didn't know how to react to his unexpected appearance.
"I know this isn't the best time," he began speaking again. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."
My heart started pounding as he said all the things I had dreamed about for so long. Was it true? Had he really decided to come back to me? I desperately wanted to believe him, but I didn't know if I could trust his words.
What he said next hit me hard.
"I never stopped loving you. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."
I wanted to turn toward him and have him hold me close, feel his body against mine again and know in my gut he was here to stay. I felt so lost and alone without my mom and dad, and if I could just have Jasper back then maybe I could get through this.
Grief threatened to overwhelm me again as I thought about my parents. Why did they have to die? I wanted his comfort; I wanted it. And I resented him for showing up now and making me want it. I wanted to hit him and punch him and let him know how badly he had hurt me when he left. I wanted to ask him all the questions I had tortured myself with on long lonely nights. How could he leave me if he loved me? Why did he stay away so long?
I wanted to touch him, feel his skin against mine. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.
What would happen if I did let him back into my heart again? What if he left again? I still didn't know all the reasons he had gone before. What if nothing had changed? How would I be able to survive his leaving for a second time, without the support of my family? How could I possibly risk that?
"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."
I came back for you. The words resonated in my head. I let them sink in, tying not to latch too tightly onto the hope they gave me. All the "what ifs" were too prominent in my brain.
"Well," Jasper said as he rose hesitantly, "I'll let you get your rest."
I felt a sharp pang in my chest as he turned to leave. Was I really going to let him walk out that door? I was angry, yes, and wary, and my emotions were a jumbled mess of confusion and grief. But I loved him. I had never stopped loving him. And he was here, and he said he wanted to be with me, and he was sorry.
The bottom line was that I had missed him so goddamn much, and I needed him right now. I couldn't bear to have him walk away from me.
In a panicked move, I quickly lunged towards his retreating body, grabbing his wrist to stop him.
"No, wait. Stay."
He turned and gave me a small smile as he sat back down. He looked sad.
"Always."
I desperately wanted it to be true.
Uncomfortable silence filled the room. His eyes were trained on my hand that still grasped his wrist. I released it and pulled my arm back to the bed. He stared at the spot where it had lain against his skin. I took the chance to study his features, my gaze roving hungrily over his beautiful face. He looked exactly as I remembered, almost completely unchanged. How could that be when it felt like an eternity had passed?
I felt a wave of longing pass through me. He was really here, after all this time.
"I missed you," I said, breaking the silence, a catch in my voice.
His golden eyes rose to stare into mine.
"I missed you too. You have no idea."
The anger that lay right under the surface surged forward. "You're right. I have no idea." He hadn't contacted me even once after he'd left me. And now he just shows up out of the blue, making declaration and promises…
His expression shifted into remorse. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wish I could convey to you just how sorry I am. I thought I was doing the right thing by going away. I only wanted to protect you. There are things I never told you… things I hid from you…" he trailed off.
He took a deep breath. "I won't hide anything from you ever again. I want you to know everything. You can ask me anything, and I'll answer you as best I can. Please believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to hurt you; it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love you. I'm back for good and I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I don't want to live without you anymore. Please, please give me another chance."
This was too much. The things he was saying were things I wanted to hear, but I couldn't deal with this right now. I couldn't process it all.
"Can we please talk about this later?" I asked.
He looked stricken and I swiftly clarified my meaning. "I'm not blowing you off, Jasper. I want to know. And I'm glad you're back," my stomach flipped as this understatement left my lips. "I just can't do this right now."
I could feel my face crumpling as my grip on my composure began to slip. It was all too much.
"Do you… do you want me to leave?"
I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears.
"No. Can you please maybe just sit with me for a bit?"
"Whatever you need, Edward. I'm not going anywhere."
I nodded in acknowledgement and shut my eyes as the tears began to escape. I turned my face into the pillow and cried softly, feeling overwhelmed, until I gradually dropped off to sleep.
I dozed off an on throughout the day. Jasper was there every time I woke up. We didn't talk much, but it was nice having his presence in the room. He was still there when I fell asleep that night.
Again he was by my bedside when I woke up the next morning. My heart filled with warmth as his beautiful face was the first thing I saw after opening my eyes. I smiled automatically and he gave me soft smile in return before asking how I was feeling.
"Better, I think."
"I'm going to get Carlisle. Can I get you anything?" he asked.
"Some water?"
"Okay. I'll be right back."
After Dr. Cullen checked on me, Jasper came back in to sit with me.
"Carlisle said you can get out of bed for a bit today, if you feel up to it."
"Can we maybe have some coffee out on the porch?"
"Sure. Let me go ask Esme to put some on, and I'll be right back."
I used the bathroom while I was waiting for Jasper. I really needed a shower. I felt disgusting, but my legs were weak and I wasn't sure I could stand long enough for one yet.
Jasper came back and walked with me out to the porch. He stayed close, almost hovering, as if he were afraid I was going to collapse at any second. It actually wasn't far from the truth. I was exhausted by the time we made it outside and sunk gratefully into a chair.
Esme came out a few minutes later with a tray of coffee and pastries. I thanked her and gave a small start when she smiled back at me. I had never noticed before, but she had the same unusually colored eyes that Jasper, Alice and Dr. Cullen had. Was that even possible? Maybe they wore contact lenses.
I mused on the strange Cullen eye phenomenon while I sipped my coffee. I supposed I could ask Jasper; he did say I could ask him anything. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at myself. If I was going to be asking Jasper questions, perhaps I should be asking the important ones instead.
I looked out over the ocean, watching the waves breaking on the sand. We had started our day like this so many times before over the summer. If I shut my eyes, I could almost hear my mom and dad discussing plans for the day while Ava and John talked about the upcoming season or the recent buying trip they had taken. That black ache in my stomach began to spread again and my throat grew tight. I sat up, suddenly wondering if anyone had been able to reach them to tell them what happened.
As I thought about the need to get in touch with them, I was reminded of an earlier question I never got answered.
"Jasper, what are you doing in Mexico? How did Dr. Cullen know to fly down here? Did my parents call him when they realized how sick we all were?"
He didn't answer right away. When I looked over at him, I thought he looked nervous.
"Jasper?"
"Alice had a vision," he finally said.
"A vision?"
"Yes."
I gave a little laugh. "What? Like she saw the future or something."
He wasn't laughing back. "Something like that."
"No, seriously," I said with disbelief in my voice. The way he was acting, though, made me think he wasn't joking at all.
"I told you I wasn't going to hide anything from you ever again. Alice is… gifted."
"So she can see the future?" I didn't know what to think about what he was telling me.
"Sometimes."
"And she saw… what? My parents getting sick? Me getting sick?"
He nodded.
"Why would she have visions of us?" I asked, still not sure I believed what he was telling me.
"I asked her to look out for you," he told me.
"You asked her to look out for me?" I repeated back, stupidly.
"Yes."
I digested this information. He left me, but he asked his sister to keep an eye on me, his sister who apparently had magical powers or something. I felt a slight easing of my underlying anger. This was something I could hold on to, something that proved he didn't just run off and forget about me. This whole predicting the future thing, though, that might take a little more digesting.
"How does it work? Does she think about me and see what's going to happen next?"
"I should let her explain it to you," he answered.
"She's here?" I don't know how that fact escaped me until now.
"Yes, Alice flew here with Carlisle and Esme. Let me go find her."
He got up and went into the building as I sat pondering this strange development.
Alice came out a short time later and leaned over to give me a hug. Her face was so cool against my cheek.
"It's so good to see you feeling better," she said in my ear. "We were all very worried."
She pulled back away from me. "I'm so sorry about your parents."
At the mention of them my eyes started to tear up again. I swallowed thickly. "Thank you."
She nodded. "I'm sorry we didn't get here sooner. I didn't know…"
"So it's true?" I asked. "You had a vision about us? You saw us in the future?" I was examining her face closely, remembering how at times I thought she looked almost otherworldly, ethereal.
"Yes."
"And you saw us getting sick? Did you know they were going to…" my voice broke as I tried to get the question out.
"No, not right away. I wasn't sure. It's not exact. The future can change in an instant."
How I knew that to be true.
She continued, "Someone changes his mind and everything is suddenly different. I wasn't certain any of you were going to survive."
"Jasper says you've been looking out for me. What did he mean? Did you look at my future?"
"Sometimes. But mostly, I just tried to be your friend."
"You are my friend." She had been there for me so many times at school.
"I am. I want you to know something. Jasper was already coming home to you. Before he learned about the flu. I felt it, the minute he made the decision; I felt his entire future shift. I wanted you to know that."
"He told me."
"Do you believe him?" she asked.
"I think so." It didn't make up for the pain he caused when he left, but I did feel better knowing he thought about me.
"He loves you very much."
"I know," I said. "I love him too."
I did know he loved me. I believed him. And I loved him too. So much. But that wasn't all there was to it. He had hurt me badly and I wasn't sure I could ever trust him again.
"Alice?"
"Yes?"
"What do you see for Jasper and me? In the future?"
She gave me a small smile while shaking her head.
"I can't tell you that, Edward. The future can take so many shapes. I don't like to share the possibilities I see; I worry too much I'll influence the form it will take. It's different if someone is in danger. I can tell you this," she continued. "As your friend and Jasper's sister, I've never seen two people who love each other more. I think you'll find your way."
I was getting tired again, even with the coffee.
"I think I'm going to go lie down again for a bit."
Jasper was there almost immediately. He walked closely next to me as I made my way back inside, ready to offer support should I need it. In truth, the short walk exhausted me, and I fell asleep within minutes of lying down.
When I woke up later that afternoon, Dr. Cullen and Esme were speaking quietly with Jasper.
"I've spoken with the Mexican Health authorities and there should be no problem having them issue the Certificado de Defuncion," Carlisle was saying. "I'm going to speak to Edward about how he wants to handle his parents' remains, but I'm going to suggest we arrange for them to be cremated."
I felt a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard Carlisle refer to my parents as "remains." Jasper's head whipped around and he hurried to the bedside.
"You're awake," he stated.
Carlisle walked up behind him, placing a hand on Jasper's shoulder.
"Let me speak with Edward for a few minutes about arrangements," he said, and Jasper nodded in agreement.
"I'll be back in a little bit," he said to me before leaving the room.
"I've finally been able to get in touch with Ava and John," Carlisle began. "They're extremely upset and send their condolences. They're going to stay where they are for now until they decide how safe it is to travel. They wanted to come here right away to be with you, but I let them know we were here to take care of you. They want you to stay as long as you need while you're recovering."
I nodded, listening.
"They've called your Godfather Daniel and Alan, and they're canceling their plans to come here."
That didn't come as a surprise either, although I could have really used them here right now.
"They also spoke to Marta. Her son came home for a visit from Mexico City and fell ill. We think that's how the virus made its way here. Several other family members caught the virus as well."
"Did they…" I started to ask.
"Everyone's fine. They're all recovering."
Only my parents had died. Not that I wanted anything bad to happen to anyone else, but it didn't seem fair that both of them were gone.
"I was just discussing arrangements with Esme. If you're agreeable, we'll have your parents' bodies cremated, and when you're finally well enough to travel, we can bring their ashes back to Washington and hold a memorial service. Daniel and Alan said they would fly in for that."
"All right," I agreed.
"Esme and I will take care of everything. You just concentrate on getting well, okay son?"
I nodded again.
"Do you have any questions for me, Edward?"
"I don't think so."
"Okay." He paused, as if deciding whether to say more.
"I know this is a tough time for you, but I want you to know you'll always have a place with us. I promised your mother I'd look out for you. You'll always be a part of our family. In fact, regardless of what happens with you and Jasper in the future, I'd like you to consider staying with us when we get back to Washington. At least until school starts. Or if you think you might like to take the quarter off, then for as long as you like. I don't like thinking of you in that big house all alone; I know Esme would feel better if you were staying with us too."
I hadn't even thought about returning home yet. I had to admit the idea of walking into the house and being greeting with nothing but silence and memories made me feel desperately sad. What if I took them up on their offer and Jasper and I couldn't get past everything? And was I really up to returning to school in a few short weeks? Everything seemed so complicated.
"I'll think about it," I told him, meaning it, but not wanting to deal with the future right now. I was tired and my head hurt.
"Good. I'll let you get some sleep. Do you want me to get Jasper or Esme to sit with you? Or I could stay if you'd like."
I hated needing him, but he was the only one I wanted right now. "Could you ask Jasper if he minds staying with me?" I asked.
"I'll send him in. Get some rest, son."
I barely managed to nod before falling asleep.
The next morning after I finally managed to take a quick shower, we started the day the same as yesterday. Esme brought us coffee and breakfast out on the porch and I spent a lot of time back in bed. I still felt extremely weak.
Alice kept me company for part of the day and I asked her more about her gift, completely fascinated by her ability. By this time I was convinced, although I had no proof; it was more of a gut feeling. A thought came to me and I voiced it out loud.
"Alice, do the way your eyes are have anything to do with your ability to see the future?" Jasper had alluded to secrets many times. Did he or Carlisle or Esme have special abilities too? Was that how they had found each other? I knew I could ask Jasper, but I still wasn't sure how much I wanted to know just yet.
"To a certain extent, yes," she answered. I was satisfied with that small piece of the puzzle for now.
I started to notice more things that were unusual about the Cullens. Maybe it was because I had so much time to do nothing except sit around recovering. They would stand close to each other, and I couldn't see their mouths moving or hear them saying anything, but I was certain they were somehow communicating. Jasper and Alice had always been graceful, but somehow their movements seemed impossibly fluid. At other times they would stand unnaturally still, not even blinking. I recalled all the times they had touched me and remembered how cool their skin was.
I wondered if I should be afraid, but I felt safe in their company. And loved.
Jasper was a constant presence by my side. He never pushed for me to talk about us or our future. He followed my lead in all things. When I wanted to be alone, he left without any compunction. I had so many questions, but for now, I wasn't ready to re-open old wounds, not when the new ones were so fresh.
One evening as I sat out on the porch after dinner, staring at the ocean and listening to the water, I was suddenly overtaken by a wave of crushing grief. The reality of their passing hit me with a force I couldn't escape. They were never coming back. My mom was never going to hold me again, or stroke my hair, or tell me how proud she was of me. My dad, a constant steady presence, who always made me feel as if he could handle anything, even when we didn't talk much, wasn't ever going to be there to catch me if I fell. I'd never get the chance to tell them how much I loved them and how much they meant to me. I missed them so fucking much. I felt so alone. So lost.
I leaned my elbows down on my knees and sunk my head into my hands sobbing out my pain and sorrow. The black hole in my chest threatened to completely consume me. I ached.
I felt a hand on my back and then it moved to gently rub my hair. I cried even harder remembering how many times my mother had made a similar gesture when I was upset.
"They're gone," I sobbed. "What am I going to do without them?"
Jasper rubbed my back some more as I cried out my grief. I couldn't seem to stop.
Eventually, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face toward his. His eyes were troubled.
"Will you let me hold you?" he asked. "Will you allow me to take away your pain, for just a little while?"
I threw myself at him, hearing his breath catch at my unexpected move. Then his arms were around me, pulling me close. I collapsed against him, sobbing into his shirt. He felt like home.
Jasper rocked me gently, making small shushing noises, murmuring words of comfort and love. I felt a warmth spreading in my middle and it expanding outward through my body, erasing all traces of my grief. I was left with only a feeling of contentment and love. Exhaustion was rapidly overtaking me and I only had energy for one small thought, wondering how he was doing it. Was this his special power, like Alice's ability to see the future? Another question was nagging at the back of my mind. I felt a vague sense of unease, an awareness that something was amiss as I lay with my head against his chest, but I couldn't figure out what. The discomfort vanished as he held me even closer, love wrapping me up like a blanket as I drifted off to sleep.
Things were better between us after that night. I knew I was ready to talk about what had happened when he left me whenever the time felt right. I didn't know what the future would bring, but I would keep an open mind, and eventually, maybe I'd be ready to open my heart again.
After breakfast a few mornings later, I asked him to take a walk on the beach with me. I was feeling stronger and tired of being cooped up inside.
He seemed somehow reluctant, even as he readily agreed. I couldn't make out his mood. As we stood at the edge of the porch, I watched as he braced his shoulders and took a deep breath before stepping into the hot Mexican sun.
The sight that met my eyes amazed me. His skin glimmered as if it were set with a thousand tiny diamonds. Brilliant rainbows dazzled me as he moved in the sunlight. He was glorious.
Jasper watched me take in his appearance with a look of caution and fear. A million thoughts flashed through my mind—his cool skin, the golden eyes, the way he had taken away my pain. I remembered the image that had gone through my head time and time again when I dreamed of that night in Port Angeles, Jasper's otherworldliness as he leapt like a lion at my attacker. My unease from the other night settled into clarity as I realized what it was that had seemed so strange: as my head rested against his chest, I had felt no heartbeat.
I had thought in the time we spent apart that I had finally learned to understand Jasper. I realized now that I had understood absolutely nothing at all.
"Jasper," I asked in a low awed voice, "What are you?"
Chapter 21 | Masterpost | Poetry
Chapter 19 | Masterpost
one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
it will be a heaven of blackred roses"
- e.e. cummings, "XLIII," l. 1-4
Chapter 20 – A Heaven of Blackred Roses
EPOV
I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams Jasper was holding me again, touching me, kissing me, telling me how much he loved me, what a mistake he had made leaving me. It was everything I had always dreamed of him saying. I could feel his love, cocooning me in a warm embrace. It felt so real that I couldn't bear for it to end. I fought against my growing consciousness as I drifted half asleep, half awake, doing my best to stay in my dreams, to stay with Jasper. Soon, though, I could sense the daylight behind my eyelids and reluctantly opened my eyes.
Where was I? This wasn't my room. As I took in my unfamiliar surroundings, my eyes rested on the face I had dreamed about for so long. He was here. My heart lurched with joy, my love for him surging through me like an electric shock.
"Jasper?" I tried to say, but it only came out as a whisper.
"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?" he answered, the sound of his voice so beautiful after far too long. God, I had missed him. Seeing him here and the feelings that were running through me only reminded me of just how much I had ached for him while he had been gone. Was this real or was I still dreaming?
I didn't want to tear my eyes away from his face for even a second, but I was so confused. I looked around the room.
"Where am I?" I asked. As I took in the bright tile floor and colorful wall hangings I recognized the resort we had been staying at. But I wasn't on the pullout; I was in a bed. I grew even more confused. What was Jasper doing here? I was overjoyed to see him again, especially as I had started to accept he was out of my life forever, but what did it mean? I didn't understand.
"What are you doing in Mexico?" I asked. How did he even find me? Suddenly all the hurt and anger I had tucked away came rushing to the surface, the feelings just as fresh as they had been the day he left. How could he have walked out on me like that? And did he think he could just show up after all this time, like nothing had ever happened?
"Your family became ill," he said. My confusion began to clear up as I remembered my parents coming down with a bug, and then me starting to feel poorly and going to lie down for a nap. And after that… after that I only had vague impressions of burning with fever, being cared for, reassuring voices in my ear, cool compresses on my skin. I wondered how long we had been sick. "Carlisle flew down to treat you," he continued, and as he spoke, Dr. Cullen himself entered the room.
An uneasy feeling was growing in my chest. If I had been that sick, why wasn't my mom at my bedside? Why was Jasper here instead?
"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper," Dr. Cullen said.
Jasper nodded then turned to me saying, "We'll talk later." He added, "I'm home for good," and my heart did that funny lurch thing again, filling with a hope I had never expected, while at the same time, afraid to hope. A feeling of déjà vu came over me as I watched him leave the room. I felt a pang of dismay, remembering the last time he had walked away from me, a situation much the same as this, me lying in a bed recovering.
I kept my thoughts on Jasper and what his presence here could mean, the dread growing within me. If I could focus on something else, I wouldn't have to wonder where my parents were, or why Dr. Cullen was here in Mexico.
"Edward," he began, and I shut my eyes against what I knew was coming. I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, son. Your parents didn't make it. The H1N1 influenza virus has become an epidemic in Mexico and all three of you contracted it. Coupled with pneumonia and dehydration, there was nothing I could do for Ed and Elizabeth by the time we got here. Since you were the last to fall ill, the antivirals were able to help at least to some extent in your case."
I was hearing him speak, understanding the words coming out of his mouth, but at the same time not comprehending what he was saying. It couldn't be true. Any minute my mother was going to walk through the door to check on me. She was going to hug me and ruffle my hair and tell me how worried they had been. She was going to bring me some cold ginger ale and put on my favorite DVDs and wait on me and pamper me silly, and I'd act all embarrassed at her babying me, while secretly loving it.
I stared at the door during the heavy silence that followed Dr. Cullen's words, but no one walked through.
"I'm so sorry, Edward," he repeated.
Crushing grief crashed down over me, like a suffocating weight on my chest. I turned away from him and curled into a ball on the bed, deep sobs tearing through me. Dead. My parents were dead. Both of them. Gone forever. I wanted so hard for this to be a bad dream, but I could feel the truth of things in my gut. That old black hole opened back up inside me, but this time it was a hundred times worse. There was nothing but pain and sadness, holding me in its terrible grip.
I felt cool fingers in my hair and the dip of the mattress beside me as someone climbed onto the bed with me. Soft comforting words filled my ears, a motherly voice of sympathy, but the voice was wrong, and no words could help, and the arms holding me weren't the arms I wanted around me. I would never feel those arms around me again.
I don't know how long I cried. I was numb inside. Esme continued to sit with me and offer comfort. For a long time, I didn't even register the words she was speaking, but eventually, they began to seep into my consciousness. She murmured that she and Dr. Cullen had promised my mother they would look out for me; I would always have a home with them. She, for a long time now, already thought of me as a son. She understood my pain, the pain of losing someone you loved with all your heart. She knew how much I was hurting and I wasn't alone. I wouldn't be alone. She was here for me, and Carlisle was, and their entire family. I wouldn't have to go through this alone.
Exhaustion finally took over and I succumbed to sleep, overwhelmed by this new reality.
When I woke up my eyes were all puffy and scratchy from the crying I had done last night. I felt myself tearing up again as I thought about my mom and dad. I wanted nothing more than for my mother to come hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right. Only one of a myriad of things that was never going to happen again.
I heard the door open and Dr. Cullen entered the room.
"Hey there. I just wanted to check and see how you're doing." He walked over to the bed and placed his hand against my forehead. His cold fingers made me flinch.
"Not too bad, but you're running a fever again." He shook some pills out of the bottles on the bedside table and handed them to me along with a bottle of water. "Here, take these."
I unscrewed the cap from the water and swallowed the pills, grateful for any task that would distract me from thoughts of my parents.
"You're over the worst of it, but it's going to take some time for you to recover. I want you to try and get some more rest, okay?" he asked.
I nodded. I felt drained, my body battered and sore. The emotional stress of the day had taken its toll.
"Do you want someone to stay with you, or would you rather be alone?"
"Do you…" I swallowed and paused, trying to regain my composure. I tried again. "Do you think Esme would mind sitting with me?" I asked. Thoughts of having Jasper comfort me had fleetingly crossed my mind, but there was too much unsettled between us right now.
"I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all," he said with a kind smile. "I'll go get her. Goodnight, Edward."
"Night."
A moment later Esme entered the room. I gave her a small smile and she returned it. We didn't speak as she moved to sit on the edge of my bed next to me. I shut my eyes as I felt her fingers gently running through my hair. She started humming softly, a soothing melody. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend the fingers in my hair were the ones I remembered. Tears escaped from my closed lids and slid down my face as I eventually drifted back to sleep.
Dr. Cullen came to check on me in the morning and seemed pleased with my progress.
"I want you to stay in bed for today," he said. "Maybe tomorrow you can take a short walk and sit out on the porch. How does that sound?"
"That sounds fine." I didn't feel much like doing anything anyway.
"Are you up to any visitors today?" he asked, and I knew he meant Jasper.
Why did he have to come back now, when things were so fucked up? I wasn't sure I could deal with all the emotions surrounding his return on top of what I was going through with losing my parents. I fought back the tears that threatened again.
At the same time, as soon as thoughts of Jasper being right here in Mexico—in the same building—came into my mind, my stomach jumped with anticipation.
"Yeah, I'm up for it."
I ate a little of the food Esme brought then dozed off and on for a bit. Even though I was still exhausted, I had a hard time falling back asleep. I was too nervous about seeing Jasper again.
Finally, I heard a knock on the door and Jasper's voice asking if he could enter.
I drank him in as he walked toward the bed. He looked exactly the same—soft tawny curls, golden eyes, broad shoulders. His movements were graceful as he sat down in the chair at my bedside. Fucking beautiful. I couldn't tear my eyes away.
"I'm sorry about your parents," he said to me and his expression was so sorrowful and compassionate that I was only able to nod before closing my eyes and turning my head away, lest I throw myself in his arms and beg him for comfort.
I could almost feel his disappointment in my response, but I didn't know how to react to his unexpected appearance.
"I know this isn't the best time," he began speaking again. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."
My heart started pounding as he said all the things I had dreamed about for so long. Was it true? Had he really decided to come back to me? I desperately wanted to believe him, but I didn't know if I could trust his words.
What he said next hit me hard.
"I never stopped loving you. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."
I wanted to turn toward him and have him hold me close, feel his body against mine again and know in my gut he was here to stay. I felt so lost and alone without my mom and dad, and if I could just have Jasper back then maybe I could get through this.
Grief threatened to overwhelm me again as I thought about my parents. Why did they have to die? I wanted his comfort; I wanted it. And I resented him for showing up now and making me want it. I wanted to hit him and punch him and let him know how badly he had hurt me when he left. I wanted to ask him all the questions I had tortured myself with on long lonely nights. How could he leave me if he loved me? Why did he stay away so long?
I wanted to touch him, feel his skin against mine. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.
What would happen if I did let him back into my heart again? What if he left again? I still didn't know all the reasons he had gone before. What if nothing had changed? How would I be able to survive his leaving for a second time, without the support of my family? How could I possibly risk that?
"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."
I came back for you. The words resonated in my head. I let them sink in, tying not to latch too tightly onto the hope they gave me. All the "what ifs" were too prominent in my brain.
"Well," Jasper said as he rose hesitantly, "I'll let you get your rest."
I felt a sharp pang in my chest as he turned to leave. Was I really going to let him walk out that door? I was angry, yes, and wary, and my emotions were a jumbled mess of confusion and grief. But I loved him. I had never stopped loving him. And he was here, and he said he wanted to be with me, and he was sorry.
The bottom line was that I had missed him so goddamn much, and I needed him right now. I couldn't bear to have him walk away from me.
In a panicked move, I quickly lunged towards his retreating body, grabbing his wrist to stop him.
"No, wait. Stay."
He turned and gave me a small smile as he sat back down. He looked sad.
"Always."
I desperately wanted it to be true.
Uncomfortable silence filled the room. His eyes were trained on my hand that still grasped his wrist. I released it and pulled my arm back to the bed. He stared at the spot where it had lain against his skin. I took the chance to study his features, my gaze roving hungrily over his beautiful face. He looked exactly as I remembered, almost completely unchanged. How could that be when it felt like an eternity had passed?
I felt a wave of longing pass through me. He was really here, after all this time.
"I missed you," I said, breaking the silence, a catch in my voice.
His golden eyes rose to stare into mine.
"I missed you too. You have no idea."
The anger that lay right under the surface surged forward. "You're right. I have no idea." He hadn't contacted me even once after he'd left me. And now he just shows up out of the blue, making declaration and promises…
His expression shifted into remorse. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wish I could convey to you just how sorry I am. I thought I was doing the right thing by going away. I only wanted to protect you. There are things I never told you… things I hid from you…" he trailed off.
He took a deep breath. "I won't hide anything from you ever again. I want you to know everything. You can ask me anything, and I'll answer you as best I can. Please believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to hurt you; it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love you. I'm back for good and I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I don't want to live without you anymore. Please, please give me another chance."
This was too much. The things he was saying were things I wanted to hear, but I couldn't deal with this right now. I couldn't process it all.
"Can we please talk about this later?" I asked.
He looked stricken and I swiftly clarified my meaning. "I'm not blowing you off, Jasper. I want to know. And I'm glad you're back," my stomach flipped as this understatement left my lips. "I just can't do this right now."
I could feel my face crumpling as my grip on my composure began to slip. It was all too much.
"Do you… do you want me to leave?"
I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears.
"No. Can you please maybe just sit with me for a bit?"
"Whatever you need, Edward. I'm not going anywhere."
I nodded in acknowledgement and shut my eyes as the tears began to escape. I turned my face into the pillow and cried softly, feeling overwhelmed, until I gradually dropped off to sleep.
I dozed off an on throughout the day. Jasper was there every time I woke up. We didn't talk much, but it was nice having his presence in the room. He was still there when I fell asleep that night.
Again he was by my bedside when I woke up the next morning. My heart filled with warmth as his beautiful face was the first thing I saw after opening my eyes. I smiled automatically and he gave me soft smile in return before asking how I was feeling.
"Better, I think."
"I'm going to get Carlisle. Can I get you anything?" he asked.
"Some water?"
"Okay. I'll be right back."
After Dr. Cullen checked on me, Jasper came back in to sit with me.
"Carlisle said you can get out of bed for a bit today, if you feel up to it."
"Can we maybe have some coffee out on the porch?"
"Sure. Let me go ask Esme to put some on, and I'll be right back."
I used the bathroom while I was waiting for Jasper. I really needed a shower. I felt disgusting, but my legs were weak and I wasn't sure I could stand long enough for one yet.
Jasper came back and walked with me out to the porch. He stayed close, almost hovering, as if he were afraid I was going to collapse at any second. It actually wasn't far from the truth. I was exhausted by the time we made it outside and sunk gratefully into a chair.
Esme came out a few minutes later with a tray of coffee and pastries. I thanked her and gave a small start when she smiled back at me. I had never noticed before, but she had the same unusually colored eyes that Jasper, Alice and Dr. Cullen had. Was that even possible? Maybe they wore contact lenses.
I mused on the strange Cullen eye phenomenon while I sipped my coffee. I supposed I could ask Jasper; he did say I could ask him anything. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at myself. If I was going to be asking Jasper questions, perhaps I should be asking the important ones instead.
I looked out over the ocean, watching the waves breaking on the sand. We had started our day like this so many times before over the summer. If I shut my eyes, I could almost hear my mom and dad discussing plans for the day while Ava and John talked about the upcoming season or the recent buying trip they had taken. That black ache in my stomach began to spread again and my throat grew tight. I sat up, suddenly wondering if anyone had been able to reach them to tell them what happened.
As I thought about the need to get in touch with them, I was reminded of an earlier question I never got answered.
"Jasper, what are you doing in Mexico? How did Dr. Cullen know to fly down here? Did my parents call him when they realized how sick we all were?"
He didn't answer right away. When I looked over at him, I thought he looked nervous.
"Jasper?"
"Alice had a vision," he finally said.
"A vision?"
"Yes."
I gave a little laugh. "What? Like she saw the future or something."
He wasn't laughing back. "Something like that."
"No, seriously," I said with disbelief in my voice. The way he was acting, though, made me think he wasn't joking at all.
"I told you I wasn't going to hide anything from you ever again. Alice is… gifted."
"So she can see the future?" I didn't know what to think about what he was telling me.
"Sometimes."
"And she saw… what? My parents getting sick? Me getting sick?"
He nodded.
"Why would she have visions of us?" I asked, still not sure I believed what he was telling me.
"I asked her to look out for you," he told me.
"You asked her to look out for me?" I repeated back, stupidly.
"Yes."
I digested this information. He left me, but he asked his sister to keep an eye on me, his sister who apparently had magical powers or something. I felt a slight easing of my underlying anger. This was something I could hold on to, something that proved he didn't just run off and forget about me. This whole predicting the future thing, though, that might take a little more digesting.
"How does it work? Does she think about me and see what's going to happen next?"
"I should let her explain it to you," he answered.
"She's here?" I don't know how that fact escaped me until now.
"Yes, Alice flew here with Carlisle and Esme. Let me go find her."
He got up and went into the building as I sat pondering this strange development.
Alice came out a short time later and leaned over to give me a hug. Her face was so cool against my cheek.
"It's so good to see you feeling better," she said in my ear. "We were all very worried."
She pulled back away from me. "I'm so sorry about your parents."
At the mention of them my eyes started to tear up again. I swallowed thickly. "Thank you."
She nodded. "I'm sorry we didn't get here sooner. I didn't know…"
"So it's true?" I asked. "You had a vision about us? You saw us in the future?" I was examining her face closely, remembering how at times I thought she looked almost otherworldly, ethereal.
"Yes."
"And you saw us getting sick? Did you know they were going to…" my voice broke as I tried to get the question out.
"No, not right away. I wasn't sure. It's not exact. The future can change in an instant."
How I knew that to be true.
She continued, "Someone changes his mind and everything is suddenly different. I wasn't certain any of you were going to survive."
"Jasper says you've been looking out for me. What did he mean? Did you look at my future?"
"Sometimes. But mostly, I just tried to be your friend."
"You are my friend." She had been there for me so many times at school.
"I am. I want you to know something. Jasper was already coming home to you. Before he learned about the flu. I felt it, the minute he made the decision; I felt his entire future shift. I wanted you to know that."
"He told me."
"Do you believe him?" she asked.
"I think so." It didn't make up for the pain he caused when he left, but I did feel better knowing he thought about me.
"He loves you very much."
"I know," I said. "I love him too."
I did know he loved me. I believed him. And I loved him too. So much. But that wasn't all there was to it. He had hurt me badly and I wasn't sure I could ever trust him again.
"Alice?"
"Yes?"
"What do you see for Jasper and me? In the future?"
She gave me a small smile while shaking her head.
"I can't tell you that, Edward. The future can take so many shapes. I don't like to share the possibilities I see; I worry too much I'll influence the form it will take. It's different if someone is in danger. I can tell you this," she continued. "As your friend and Jasper's sister, I've never seen two people who love each other more. I think you'll find your way."
I was getting tired again, even with the coffee.
"I think I'm going to go lie down again for a bit."
Jasper was there almost immediately. He walked closely next to me as I made my way back inside, ready to offer support should I need it. In truth, the short walk exhausted me, and I fell asleep within minutes of lying down.
When I woke up later that afternoon, Dr. Cullen and Esme were speaking quietly with Jasper.
"I've spoken with the Mexican Health authorities and there should be no problem having them issue the Certificado de Defuncion," Carlisle was saying. "I'm going to speak to Edward about how he wants to handle his parents' remains, but I'm going to suggest we arrange for them to be cremated."
I felt a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard Carlisle refer to my parents as "remains." Jasper's head whipped around and he hurried to the bedside.
"You're awake," he stated.
Carlisle walked up behind him, placing a hand on Jasper's shoulder.
"Let me speak with Edward for a few minutes about arrangements," he said, and Jasper nodded in agreement.
"I'll be back in a little bit," he said to me before leaving the room.
"I've finally been able to get in touch with Ava and John," Carlisle began. "They're extremely upset and send their condolences. They're going to stay where they are for now until they decide how safe it is to travel. They wanted to come here right away to be with you, but I let them know we were here to take care of you. They want you to stay as long as you need while you're recovering."
I nodded, listening.
"They've called your Godfather Daniel and Alan, and they're canceling their plans to come here."
That didn't come as a surprise either, although I could have really used them here right now.
"They also spoke to Marta. Her son came home for a visit from Mexico City and fell ill. We think that's how the virus made its way here. Several other family members caught the virus as well."
"Did they…" I started to ask.
"Everyone's fine. They're all recovering."
Only my parents had died. Not that I wanted anything bad to happen to anyone else, but it didn't seem fair that both of them were gone.
"I was just discussing arrangements with Esme. If you're agreeable, we'll have your parents' bodies cremated, and when you're finally well enough to travel, we can bring their ashes back to Washington and hold a memorial service. Daniel and Alan said they would fly in for that."
"All right," I agreed.
"Esme and I will take care of everything. You just concentrate on getting well, okay son?"
I nodded again.
"Do you have any questions for me, Edward?"
"I don't think so."
"Okay." He paused, as if deciding whether to say more.
"I know this is a tough time for you, but I want you to know you'll always have a place with us. I promised your mother I'd look out for you. You'll always be a part of our family. In fact, regardless of what happens with you and Jasper in the future, I'd like you to consider staying with us when we get back to Washington. At least until school starts. Or if you think you might like to take the quarter off, then for as long as you like. I don't like thinking of you in that big house all alone; I know Esme would feel better if you were staying with us too."
I hadn't even thought about returning home yet. I had to admit the idea of walking into the house and being greeting with nothing but silence and memories made me feel desperately sad. What if I took them up on their offer and Jasper and I couldn't get past everything? And was I really up to returning to school in a few short weeks? Everything seemed so complicated.
"I'll think about it," I told him, meaning it, but not wanting to deal with the future right now. I was tired and my head hurt.
"Good. I'll let you get some sleep. Do you want me to get Jasper or Esme to sit with you? Or I could stay if you'd like."
I hated needing him, but he was the only one I wanted right now. "Could you ask Jasper if he minds staying with me?" I asked.
"I'll send him in. Get some rest, son."
I barely managed to nod before falling asleep.
The next morning after I finally managed to take a quick shower, we started the day the same as yesterday. Esme brought us coffee and breakfast out on the porch and I spent a lot of time back in bed. I still felt extremely weak.
Alice kept me company for part of the day and I asked her more about her gift, completely fascinated by her ability. By this time I was convinced, although I had no proof; it was more of a gut feeling. A thought came to me and I voiced it out loud.
"Alice, do the way your eyes are have anything to do with your ability to see the future?" Jasper had alluded to secrets many times. Did he or Carlisle or Esme have special abilities too? Was that how they had found each other? I knew I could ask Jasper, but I still wasn't sure how much I wanted to know just yet.
"To a certain extent, yes," she answered. I was satisfied with that small piece of the puzzle for now.
I started to notice more things that were unusual about the Cullens. Maybe it was because I had so much time to do nothing except sit around recovering. They would stand close to each other, and I couldn't see their mouths moving or hear them saying anything, but I was certain they were somehow communicating. Jasper and Alice had always been graceful, but somehow their movements seemed impossibly fluid. At other times they would stand unnaturally still, not even blinking. I recalled all the times they had touched me and remembered how cool their skin was.
I wondered if I should be afraid, but I felt safe in their company. And loved.
Jasper was a constant presence by my side. He never pushed for me to talk about us or our future. He followed my lead in all things. When I wanted to be alone, he left without any compunction. I had so many questions, but for now, I wasn't ready to re-open old wounds, not when the new ones were so fresh.
One evening as I sat out on the porch after dinner, staring at the ocean and listening to the water, I was suddenly overtaken by a wave of crushing grief. The reality of their passing hit me with a force I couldn't escape. They were never coming back. My mom was never going to hold me again, or stroke my hair, or tell me how proud she was of me. My dad, a constant steady presence, who always made me feel as if he could handle anything, even when we didn't talk much, wasn't ever going to be there to catch me if I fell. I'd never get the chance to tell them how much I loved them and how much they meant to me. I missed them so fucking much. I felt so alone. So lost.
I leaned my elbows down on my knees and sunk my head into my hands sobbing out my pain and sorrow. The black hole in my chest threatened to completely consume me. I ached.
I felt a hand on my back and then it moved to gently rub my hair. I cried even harder remembering how many times my mother had made a similar gesture when I was upset.
"They're gone," I sobbed. "What am I going to do without them?"
Jasper rubbed my back some more as I cried out my grief. I couldn't seem to stop.
Eventually, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face toward his. His eyes were troubled.
"Will you let me hold you?" he asked. "Will you allow me to take away your pain, for just a little while?"
I threw myself at him, hearing his breath catch at my unexpected move. Then his arms were around me, pulling me close. I collapsed against him, sobbing into his shirt. He felt like home.
Jasper rocked me gently, making small shushing noises, murmuring words of comfort and love. I felt a warmth spreading in my middle and it expanding outward through my body, erasing all traces of my grief. I was left with only a feeling of contentment and love. Exhaustion was rapidly overtaking me and I only had energy for one small thought, wondering how he was doing it. Was this his special power, like Alice's ability to see the future? Another question was nagging at the back of my mind. I felt a vague sense of unease, an awareness that something was amiss as I lay with my head against his chest, but I couldn't figure out what. The discomfort vanished as he held me even closer, love wrapping me up like a blanket as I drifted off to sleep.
Things were better between us after that night. I knew I was ready to talk about what had happened when he left me whenever the time felt right. I didn't know what the future would bring, but I would keep an open mind, and eventually, maybe I'd be ready to open my heart again.
After breakfast a few mornings later, I asked him to take a walk on the beach with me. I was feeling stronger and tired of being cooped up inside.
He seemed somehow reluctant, even as he readily agreed. I couldn't make out his mood. As we stood at the edge of the porch, I watched as he braced his shoulders and took a deep breath before stepping into the hot Mexican sun.
The sight that met my eyes amazed me. His skin glimmered as if it were set with a thousand tiny diamonds. Brilliant rainbows dazzled me as he moved in the sunlight. He was glorious.
Jasper watched me take in his appearance with a look of caution and fear. A million thoughts flashed through my mind—his cool skin, the golden eyes, the way he had taken away my pain. I remembered the image that had gone through my head time and time again when I dreamed of that night in Port Angeles, Jasper's otherworldliness as he leapt like a lion at my attacker. My unease from the other night settled into clarity as I realized what it was that had seemed so strange: as my head rested against his chest, I had felt no heartbeat.
I had thought in the time we spent apart that I had finally learned to understand Jasper. I realized now that I had understood absolutely nothing at all.
"Jasper," I asked in a low awed voice, "What are you?"
Chapter 21 | Masterpost | Poetry
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